In my Yoga class for men only I have met D. He’s straight, so no rumours, please :-) We have met for lunch several times and by and by he asked me about my relationship to John, but it was only this week I found out why: he’s submissive, too, but has never attempted to live out his affection. He asked me one thing I’ve been pondering on ever since: what is it like to live such a 24/7-BDSM-relationship? I thought it might be interesting to put it down for my blog.
So, what is it like? First of all, I think it’s not suitable for everyone who is into BDSM. It’s one thing to play in a settled space of time, it’s another to live it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (24/7). For some people it’s attracting to dive into a safe sphere where they can live out their affections, but to know that they’ll be back into their “normal” every day lifes when the session is finished. They can let go in this safe playtime and then change back into their normal role. That’s different to when you’re doing it 24/7. There is no longer that difference between playtime and normal life. You extend your role until it fills the whole time and your whole life. This is only suitable for people who are REALLY into BDSM and for whom it is not only a fetish or so but a lifestyle. I’d say you’ll know whether or not this lifestyle suits you if you try it and do not miss anything. If you find yourself mourning about a loss of “normal life” or your “normal activities” or so, then a 24/7-relationship won’t probably fit your needs.
This leads to the second point. That 24/7-thing seems to fit you only if you’re into it by nature. If Master or sub is a role that allows you to let go and experience sexual arousal and relief, that’s fine, But you’ll only like a 24/7-relationship if you’re dominant or submisse by nature. It would take too much effort to keep up a role that does not correlate to who you are, to your core-personality. Again, in a BDSM set-up that’s only meant to last for a weekend or so, it’s okay to adjust to your role, but in everyday life it would be nerve-racking to try to keep up a role that does not fit your personality.
For John and me, as we are dominant and submissive by nature, it’s very natural to live like we do. I have to admit that I thought it was strange when John had the first flu during our new relationship and then was not that dominant, but needed comfort from me, but I have adjusted to that. Just because he’s dominant, he doesn’t have to hide his weakness. Perhaps a Dom who can show compassion and weakness is even more authentic and attractive than that kind of robot-Dom in BDSM-Movies.
A 24/7-relationship is not only about sex. To put it short: a day has 24 hours and most of the time you sleep, do your chores or just spend the time with your Love without fucking. If you’re into BDSM-sex, that’s fine, but then you won’t need a 24/7-relationship to fulfill your needs. For us, it’s about caring for each other in that “special” way, it’s about love, respect, understanding and allowing each other to be who he really is. There are a lot of prejudices about 24/7-relationships like I am not to have my own money or my own opinion or to contradict Love. That’s bullshit, at least in our marriage. John actually encourages me to contradict him and have my own money (and spend it). In fact, he’s the only partner that ever encouraged me to develop, to overcome fears and traumas and do things that do me well like Yoga, meeting friends and so on.
Where’s then the difference to a normal, not-BDSMy relationship? I guess you could say we have a classical, somehow vintage marriage. I’m the guy to help John out of his jacket, bring his slippers and a cup of tea, asking him how his day was, serving him in any way to please him. Again, if you’re not into that, it won’t please you but make you feel exploited and subdued. To me, it’s heaven.