Undenied Unfulfilled

Yesterday, Master took me to a club we attend every now and then. It’s got a nice, cozy darkroom, a sauna ect. It’s always like a holiday to be there! Master had noticed my sad mood in the days before and although we had talked about it, the dark clouds just did not vanish. I guess that was why he allowed me to take off the Birdlock and “enjoy myself”.

To be honest, it’s always a bit confusing to be unleashed! Usually I do not know what to do with myself for the first 20 or 30 minutes. That’s when I just watch others, before making contact. Master had vanished into the darkroom, but I did not want to follow him, so I just went into the sauna. When I enter the room, it’s always a bit demanding to adjust to the climate, but after a few moments I really savour it. One guy attracted my attention. To put it short, after showering we ended up on one of the play areas and he sucked me off beautifully. Later I met another guy and had him pounding me while I sucked off another guy. And later again, I found myself sitting at the bar, when Master showed up. He sat down two seats away from me and pretended not to know me. Oh yes, that’s awesome!

He ordered a beer and I could not keep my eyes off his obviously fresh showered body. We made eye contact, but he did not react to my smile. A young stud came to his side, they began talking to each other. It was not long until they began touching and kissing, while I still sat there with growing arousal. When the guy began touching Master underneath the towel he had wrapped around his hips, he looked at me and asked “gefällt dir, was du siehst?”. I replied “ja”, so Master suggested we three might go to a booth and have some fun. My heart was pounding like crazy when we finally did. The stud began sucking Master off. It’s a bit strange to watch others do what I do usually twice or three times a day. I know exactly what he wants and when the others don’t do what he likes most, it feels sort of uncomfortable for me LOL Master instructed me to suck the guy off, and when he wanted to do the same for me, he kept him from doing so. Finally, Master fucked him with me feeling superfluous, but Love did not bother. I guess that’s the most demanding part of being his 24/7 sub! Being aroused, then being denied, even though not in the Birdlock. I tried to jerk off, but it did not really work. So after Master and the guy had climaxed and the guy went his way, Master smiled at me sweetly and told me we’d be heading home. In the locker room, he handed me over the Birdlock. That much for sex.

It’s strange, but even being allowed to have sex and climax can feel like being denied if you’re not getting what you’re craving for. So when Love brought my head down to his cock this morning, I thankfully welcomed his morning glory.

Feeling Guilty

I have talked it over again and again with my therapist and others and I know I should not, but I can’t prevent myself from feeling guilty about certain aspects of the abuse. At very young age, I learned that it would hurt less to do what my father told me. By the time I was 8, I was trained to know what he wanted and do it before he needed to tell me. He made me believe that he’d only abuse me because I took the initiative. And I did. When he came home, I went to him, took off his jacket, brought his shoes and it was more than once I got down on my knees right there in our hall.

Does that remind myself of what I do for John? Sure it does. Many aspects of our relationship are mere revivals of my childhood experiences. I tried not to see it, but when I’m honest I knew it ever since we started. During our first games, John kept asking me “did I hurt you?”, and I always answered honestly. We both noticed that we both wanted and needed it. We were only satisfied when it had hurt. The more and fiercer, the better. Once he said that if my brother knew what he did to me, he’d be mad at him, and I replied, my brother likes to think of me as an asexual person. At least that’s fine, but I am not. Moreover, I think I’m oversexual because of the abuse. If you’d let me, I’d solve most problems and arguments with sex only.

When I found the courage to tell John about what my father did bit by bit, he was shocked and felt guilty as well, because what he did to me was so reminding of what my father did. John asked me whether I’d think of him as an offender, but I did not. I do not. As I have written before, we have tried to have what we think may come close to normal sex and it did not do it for us. Shall we feel guilty forever because I was abused and now like being dominated and because John is dominant?

I’m so fed up with that, really. I wish I could just accept that getting abused conditioned me to be submissive and savour pain and stop questioning it over and over again. But to make it worse, I sometimes think of my father when I’m aroused. It was the ultimate experience of being helplessly at his mercy, and whether I like it or not when I’m not aroused, it turns me on, no matter what my therapist thinks of it. I know by myself that I’d never think of my father if he had not abused me and that it’s only a kind of self-injury. But I can’t stop it. And even worse, I don’t want to. In my really, really bad moments I’d be pleased if John would fulfill what my father started, put a fucking gun to my head and shoot me while pounding me.

I know that’s insane and I feel bad and guilty about it. On the other hand, I know there’s a reason for the diagnosis of a mental invalidity. If I could build myself up from the beginning, I’d make myself a better man. A healthy and normal man with healthy and normal passions. I’d be more like my brother and less like me.

Aspects Of Lord Shiva

My view of Lord Shiva is quite ambiguous, I suppose. On the one hand, he appears to me as a tramp, like someone who has abandoned living by social rules and standards. In this appearance he is drawn to bum around, beg for food and really giving a shit about what others may think of him. On the other hand, he appears as a dominant Alpha male, well-clad and well-behaved. And to be honest, sometimes it scares me how similar he then is to John LOL

For others, there may be uncountable images more of Lord Shiva, and although I have gotten a glimpse of them, I had not much to do with them.

Both aspects of him teach me valuable things, not only about myself, but about life in general. If I should tell in which aspect I find myself, it’d be more in the tramp than in the Alpha male. Of course I have not given up living my society’s rules and I really mind about what others think of me, but I complete fail seeing myself as Alpha.

The tramp aspect of Lord Shiva is an insightful meditation teacher. He is very accepting and does not mind if I defer tasks. He encourages me to enjoy life, especially the little treats that don’t cost any money at all, like sunshine on my face, a nice conversation and so on. He is frugal and makes me remember with how little I can survive or have survived actually. He does not only accept but really recommends the use of drugs to open one’s mind to higher dimensions, although we both have come to the agreement that for me it would be best to keep from using them. He guided me to psychedelic music which’s effects are enough for me and he was glad to see how certain breathing techniques I have learned during Yoga classes have a mild effect of beaming me away, too. To be honest, although I have liked to kill my pain by drinking alcohol in former years, I’ve become a coward concerning “higher” levels of consciousness. It’s ok to drift monitored by John during our games, but I don’t like to lose the connection to my body in other ways!

The tramp aspects tells me not to worry so much about the past or the future and live fully from now to now. I’m taken care of, he keeps telling, and I really wish I could believe him.

The Alpha aspect of Lord Shiva is very pushy and dominant. He tells me to perform and perform brilliant. He does not accept excuses and demands 100% from me, in whatever situation. He keeps emphasizing that I’m able to overcome everything as soon as I’m willing to do all I can to achieve my goal. He demands hard work and keeps pushing when I’m whimpering about. He does not accept excuses for bad behaviour and tells me to be straight up. He’s the one I can rely on on bad days. He makes me getting up, eating and drinking, and working actually. He scorns laziness.

It was quite a surprise to me, when I found out both of these aspects do not judge me for who I am. They just have different ways of making contact with me.

50 Random Things About Me

I’ve been asked to take part in that 50 random things about me, and here we go:

  1. I can’t bear the feeling of satin on my fingernails.
  2. For breakfast, most of the time I have oat flakes and a cup of tea.
  3. I drink coffee only every now and then and it makes my heart beat faster everytime.
  4. I’m quite ticklish.
  5. I knew I’m gay at very young age.
  6. I have never kissed a girl, except for my friend S on her cheek.
  7. I grew up without a mother.
  8. I don’t even think I’d recognize her if I met her on the street.
  9. At work, my favourite mug has no more handle. I broke it, but still can’t get rid of the mug.
  10. I’m better in understanding higher mathematics than people. But I try!
  11. I usually don’t tend to snack, but John makes me.
  12. He’s even buying me ice cream and crisps and makes me eat it.
  13. I have gained more than 5 kilos since we met and I like myself better now.
  14. I like listening to classic music, but it makes me sad most times.
  15. As a kid, I had to learn to play the piano.
  16. I find gay movies boring as they’re usually only about coming out to oneself and others.
  17. If I’d make a gay movie it would be about two normal men with their normal heights and depths.
  18. I use to sort my socks and I can tell without looking which pair’s which when I open my drawer.
  19. I suffer from asthma and always have my spray handy.
  20. I’m very much into BDSM.
  21. In our wedding night John told me “your wedding ring is your collar”. I never take it off.
  22. When John is not at home overnight, I always beg him to leave a shirt he wore, so that I can smell him.
  23. My favourite meals are eggplant lasagna and coleslaw with raisins. But I eat most everything.
  24. When I’m stressed and anxious, it helps me to wear leather handcuffs and a leather collar. They make me feel safe.
  25. I own more books than DVDs.
  26. I’m very good at reverse parking, but I’m a loser in car parks, because I can never decide which space to choose.
  27. I have no stickers on and no air refresheners in my car.
  28. But I always have condoms in my glove box. You never know…
  29. If John lets me, I watch a lot of porn.
  30. But I hate clips in which subs scream, because I think they should keep quiet.
  31. Sometimes my best friend W reads out newspaper articles to me on the phone.
  32. I sleep on the left side in our bed, closer to the door.
  33. I do not dare to go to a haunted house, but I don’t like going to the fair anyway.
  34. My favourite incense sticks are frankincense and sandalwood.
  35. I only burn them when John’s not at home, because he doesn’t really like them.
  36. I make offerings to Lord Shiva regularly.
  37. But I’m still surprised by what He demands from me, like frozen yoghurt, a pack of chewing gum or a bowl of potting soil.
  38. I shave all over. But I asked John not to shave my hair of head when he said he likes the thought.
  39. It took me weeks to dare to use my cash card, now I’m married to a banker.
  40. My friends S and C taught me how to knit, and I guess I should do it more often!
  41. At the moment, I have two Yoga classes a week. In one group, we’re only men and I like to chat with them before and after the class.
  42. I still refuse to practise Yoga with naked feet.
  43. And I still don’t like to move around the room during class.
  44. I have never solved a crossword in my whole life, but I’m quite good at logic puzzles.
  45. I’m drawn to a few really bad things and I feel guilty about it. But I can’t stop it. I can’t even talk about it, although John knows about it.
  46. I’m obsessed with counting. I count almost anything: steps, stairs, cars, tiles, cups, noises, flowers and so on. But I never count human beings.
  47. I still own photographs and movies my father made of me. Sometimes I look at them to hurt myself and feel worthless. I know I should not.
  48. I always carry a sketchbook with me and scribble down whatever catches my eye. Even dead birds and waste.
  49. I always fail cooking Yorkshire pudding. I don’t know why!
  50. It took me more than four weeks to complete these 50 things!

Small Things

Yesterday, Master and I went for a two hour hike and enjoyed it entirely! It was the first longer hike since November and we both realized we were not in our best shape. As Master has some serious health issues going on, we have decided to go hiking more often again. When we returned to our car and changed shoes, Master looked at a spot a few yards behind me, smiled and went there to pick something up. I asked him what he had fetched, but he just smiled that telling smile of him and did not answer.

After dinner, I was to find out what he had collected. He scattered a handful of small pebbles onto our kitchenfloor regardless of my mopping on Friday, told me to undress, kneel on it and fold my hands behind my head.

It’s the small things that make us happy, aren’t they?

BDSM And Self-Injury

In one aspect, my therapist and I just can’t get to an agreement, although we kept talking about it for years. He says, BDSM for me is a way of hurting and injuring myself. From the beginning, he made it clear that he thinks it would be best to drop every little bit of BDSM in my life, so that my thoughts and cravings would follow some day. He does not push me, but I can’t help but feel guilty whenever we talk about it.

I totally get his point. John and I do at least a lot of things that are connected to what my father did. But we do so, because we both get turned on by it and, to be honest, he has agreed to do some things to and with me he is not really into, just because I seem to need them. On the other hand, I agreed to do things I’m not fully into. We have decided that only these things one of us really dislikes will never take place (such as burning). That’s a fair deal and we get along well with it.

I know I like being slapped in the face because my father did. The same to being strangled, being humiliated and controlled in general and so many other things. I am totally aware of it. I even have tried to change my ways. John and I have tried what we think might come close to normal sex, but it did not work! First of all, none of us got as aroused as we use to get, and when we talked about it later, we both confessed that we thought about pain and humilitation to get some satisfaction at any rate. I thought it was sad that cuddling, kissing and having intercourse was not enough. Perhaps I have not tried hard enough, I don’t know. When I’m horny, I want to experience things I like and that satisfy me and not force myself to feel aroused if any. All my kinky thoughts are connected to BDSM. On the other hand, I have become a very cuddly guy and like to be near John, kiss him, pet him without trying to arouse us. But as soon as I feel the slightest sensation of lust, it is connected to pain and humiliation.

My therapist said, it is an addiction and I could learn to let it go step by step to do myself good. But when he says so, I feel like he wants to extract something very precious and important from my life and from me as a person. That makes me feel helpless, ashamed and angry. And it makes me mad that he recommends dropping BDSM to me, while on the other hand everyone else seems to embrace it. I can’t cout how often I have been asked if I had read 50 Shades Of Grey! I have not, by the way, because after all I have heard of it, it’s more like mainstream kind of BDSM and heterosexual anyway, so why would I?

Each time I claim to enjoy what we do, my therapist would ask me whether I really do or whether I just think I do. That’s an odd question. I have tried normal sex and did not like it. Should I push myself to practise it, until I can bear it, because I think of BDSM while John’s petting me quite bored? Should I destroy what I regard as the most fulfilling and gorgeous way of living and fucking just because it has self-destructive potential? That would just be camouflage as all others aspects of my life would stay the same, and they are all connected to what my father did. I know I’d be another person if I had grown up in a normal family without being abused. I could have a normal job, I could cope with many things ways better. But I have grown up under these threatening circumstances and I can’t change it. I don’t want BDSM to be taken from me, because I’d still be that masochistic, submissive man I am.

To me, BDSM is deeply connected with feeling safe and knowing my place in this world. I know I can rely on John and I trust him. I regard the bruises on my body as lovemarks and signs of possession. I am His.