General Exhaustion

At the moment, I am just strung out. Things have been busy at work and John had some tasks for me that were really exhausting. Sometimes I think I should go to see my GP and have him check me, but then again I think if I’d only sleep better, much would be won. I guess sleeping not so well and most times only little leads inevitably to general exhaustion.

The past few weeks have been rough for me either, because I was thinking about some changes in my everyday life. The longer I keep crossdressing, the more I like and need it. Sometimes, when I dress like Blaubeermann (jeans, shirt), I am really frustrated and sad, because I feel it would be more appropriate to dress like Ginny. Some days, it even feels like disguising myself to put on those Blaubeermann-clothes for work or other appointments. I am blessed with the best friends one could ask for, and W, M, S and C all give me the opportunity to wear whatever I like when we meet. When I came out to S and C, they just smiled and said they had suspected that long-term, and they made it very easy for me to feel comfortable being Ginny. And W and M knew about it from the beginning on.

I regard those friendships as safe spots in my crossdressing life, just like my relationship to John, and I highly appreciate all of them for their support. But I can’t overlook the fact that it takes more and more effort to go to work as Blaubeermann only. On most days, it’s OK, but there are some days when I feel heart-broken and just wrong. I have the best boss I could wish for. She accepts my nails and my girly jewlery and I guess she wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m crossdressing, but I am still reluctant to tell her. And then, there’s my brother. I think he still hopes for all that gurly stuff to disappear. On the other hand, he knows I’m broken-minded and regards anything that keeps me calm and happy as helpful.

All in all, I feel the need to build up courage to move on. And that’s just exhausting.

Fifty Shades Of WTF

On Saturday, John and I were invited over to W’s and M’s. M cooked a very nice Italian dish with eggplant and afterwards, we watched Fifty Shades Of Grey. Neither of us knew the movie before, but as I had mentioned it on my blog lately and W had read that, he suggested we should watch it. If you don’t want to read about the movie, I’ll give you the short version: nice evening, bland movie.

If you want to read more, here we go (spoiler alert!).

The first thing that really made me cringe was the so called dom (Christian) right away. He was portrayed as a 27 y.o. billionaire, who, when he was 15, had a BDSM-relationship with a friend of his mom’s, in which he was the sub. But even after being a sub for several years, he didn’t develop any competence in dealing with an unexperienced sub. When he meets his sub (Anna), he steps over so many borders that I stopped counting. As if being a Dom equals being overbearing. John later suggested that BDSM-unexperienced people might indeed think so. I get his point, but for me, that Christian is just a jerk and I couldn’t understand why Anna falls in love with him.

The next thing I found superfluous was that Anna still is a virgin when she meets Christian, although she is in her midtwenties. W suggested that for a woman, keeping her virginity for her husband is believed to be of caliber in the U.S. He said that when Anna had Christian take her virginity, she submitted to him on a higher level, or at least that’s what’s indicated. Moreover, it is alluded to the fact that they later get married, not in that movie, but I’ve read how the story develops in the two following books).  I understood that, but having lost my virginity that early, I guess that just didn’t get through to me. Though that movie made me think about my own virginity, but that’s another story.

So, with Anna being a virgin, the first thing Mr super-dom needs to do is to sleep with her like her lover and not like her dom. After telling her all the way that he could never be aroused by normal sex. Even after handing her a “slave contract”. Uhm. Really? What was intended by that? Showing her how real he was about being her dom? How super-unimpressed he was by normal sex? I don’t get it and think that was just ridiculous.

Than that “slave contract”. Obviously Anna is the 16th to sign that thing, but she is hesitant to really do so. I mean, how can a Dom of caliber hand such a thing to a sub without the slightest experience and really believe that shit could be more than just a joke? O.K., she tells him that there’ll be no fisting, but what about all the other thing she has never even tried once before in her life? Damn, no! That thing really had me cringe and moan.

The next thing that really made me feel sick was Christian repelling Anna again and again, but always coming back for her when she really tries to do without him. Like “you should not fall in love with me…..here’s a super-romantic present from me”. WTF?! Is that supposed to be a Dom?

The next thing I found disappointing was the actual “BDSM”-practice. Of course I know that that movie was made for normal people and perhaps it just proves how deep I’m into that lifestyle, but I thought of it as not dominant at all to blindfold her and cuddle her. Am I wrong? At the end of the movie, Anna demands Christian to do to her what he really wants when he talks about punishing her. And she gets what she has asked for, namely six hard strikes on her butt, resulting in her leaving him. I mean, seriously? That was what she had asked for and what probably is a part of that contract LOL

I was disappointed by that movie and I didn’t feel good about the thought of many people watching that shit and thinking just being a jerk would equal being dominant. John said that movie actually didn’t make him as mad as me, but that this contract still is a joke. And he added “we don’t need a contract, right? You just have one rule: do as I say. That’s not so hard to remember, is it?”. Not at all:)

Did you watch that movie? What do you think about it?

The Other Side Of The Flogger Pt. 3

Yesterday evening John did something really nice for me to help me get better. And it worked, I really feel better now and want to publish the last part of that Flogger-series.

After I launched my last “Flogger”-entry, I was in doubt whether or not it was helpful and whether or not I was able to express what I had wanted to say. When I talked it over with John, he simple asked: “Does it matter if what you write about is helpful for others?”. Uhm, well. Anyway, today I want to share some insights on what everyday life is like if you’re a 24/7-sub, and of course what I write about is only true for me. Other subs may experience being owned 24/7 in a different way. I have written so much about how being John’s property is in those special, kinky moments, but today, I want to concentrate on the aspect of everyday life.

Being his 24/7-sub means: you get up first. In winter, you take care for the bathroom to heat up so that it’s comfortably warm when he gets up. Put a towel on the heater, so that it’s warm when he needs it. Put some toothpaste on his toothbrush. Check toilet and paper, sink and shower before you leave. No hair or stains allowed.

Make breakfast for him and yourself. He likes coffee and some roasted bread with honey or jam, on the weekends he likes full English breakfast. Prepare a lunch bag for him (I like to put special somethings in it from time to time, like a chocolate bar, a bought pie or whatever, and sometimes I also add little notes, saying I love you or so). The morning is his quiet-time, so keep shut. Offer oral sex while he eats, but don’t expect any. If he approves, you can eat later. Bring his bag, hand him the lunch bag and his jacket. Kiss him goodbye.

Now do your chores. If it’s a day you spend at work, go there, if not, do what you’re supposed to do in and around the house. In case John gave certain tasks to you, get them done. Take care to drink regularly and have a mid-morning snack and lunch as well. Take rests and do something you like (Yoga, reading, surfing the internet, baking, whatever). Take a nap, when you’re feeling tired, because when he gets home, he is not in the mood for a tired sub.

When he arrives home, welcome him. Bring his shoes, take his jacket and his bag. Offer sex, but don’t expect any. Let him rest and bring him a tea or a drink, as demanded. Listen, ask questions, but don’t bother him with your chitchat. When he’s in the mood, he will ask how your day was and listen to you.

Cook dinner and serve it. Be a nice person to talk to. After the meal, do the dishes and get everything clean and neat again. You can make suggestions about the evening program. He will consider your suggestions, but decide for what fits his needs best. If he utters special wishes, be eager to obey (and remember: those sissy knees are meant to meet the floor). If he decides you’re going out, he will tell you what to wear. Again you can make suggestions about where you want to go, but he will decide.

When it’s bedtime, go upstairs before he does. Prepare the bed, set the pillows and the plaid aside and fluff the blankets up. Let fresh air in. Get ready in the bathroom. Check the sink and the toilet. Put some toothpaste on his toothbrush.

When you’re in bed: let him check the news on T.V., do not interrupt. Offer sex, but don’t expect any. If he thinks you should receive a rubdown, you’ll get one. He decides whether you’re allowed to sleep in the bed, whether you’re wearing a plug all night and so on. You may snuggle up inside his arms if he approves.

Finally: be contented and quiet.

I had a hard time writing that down, because during the typing I always thought that even if that’s what it is all about, it sounds so wrong. I guess there’s an immense clash between the written word and my reality, because even if John’s always in charge, he isn’t bossy. He’s not that kind of Dom who treats me like crap, really not. I know he appreciates what I do for him and he appreciates me being submissive. He says, being THAT submissive is a gift and he hopes he is worthy to take it (I think he is!). Moreover, over the years we have come to a lot of silent agreements. Because we know each other so well, we often understand each other without words. So, if John arrives home and just knows I’m not OK, he is immediately there for me and takes care for me. The list above may evoke the illusion of our relationship being static, but it isn’t. I just tried to write down a normal day, but there are hardly any normal days:)

I guess one thing that is really different in our relationship is that John expects me to do things no one would expect the other to do in a normal relationship, such as offering sex regularly even f I’m not in the mood or me cleaning up the mess he left in the kitchen when he wanted to cook or so. Well, I know for sure that’s not anybody’s cup of tea, but it’s ours:)

If you yourself are in a 24/7-relationship, tell me, what is everyday life like for you? What does your service consist of?

~

Sometimes, when I just thought everything is alright, there appears a trapdoor and suddenly nothings is really alright anymore. I know how it is to live with triggers and I guess all in all I do quite well. Apart from some times…

Saturday, John and I were attending a BDSM-party in a club and I actually wanted to write about that. Because after more than nine months of daily nipple stimulation I have finally managed to cum by nip play only. I was proud of myself and I like the fact that my clitlette is no longer neccessary.

But, on another level, this physical reaction has triggered memories that are rather lost underneath the dust of time. For years now I’ve been collecting memories written on little papers in a box. I try to sort them chronologically, but some memories can’t be put in the right place. Cumming by nip play only triggered memories of things that have happened when I was really, really young. I know my father touched me as a baby though I don’t recall exactly the first time when he inserted something into me. What I do recall is the feeling of being torn apart, a hellish, neverending pain and the fear of being extinguished. Well, well, and obviously sooner or later he made me cum by anal stimulation only. For years, like, the most part of my life I haven’t been able to cum by prostate massage or fucking only and always needed my clit to be stimulated. Now I remember why.

In fact I think I’m quite lucky to remember that now and understand why I couldn’t cum without clitoral stimulation. I feared loss of control and I feared death when letting go. My body needed to be overpowered again to recall that. I hope I can work on that and let it go, because of course I know I won’t die when I get fucked. I want to be a useful fuck-slut and cum when getting fucked as my clit is just a ridiculous and superfluous attachment.

For the moment, I just hate my body, hate myself. It sounds sad, but I’m glad I’m used to that, so that I know I will be OK again, sooner or later. I wish I could just hate him, but that little boy in me still loves him and wants to be loved by him. So sick of that.

The Other Side Of The Flogger Pt. 2

I want to share some stories connected with our 24/7-lifestyle, occasions that make clear we don’t lead a normal relationship. But first of all I thought it could be interesting to take a look at how it all came together.

When John entered the shop at the very first time, I could tell he was dominant. Ok, I know, people who claim to be able to see or sense whether others are gay, sub, dom or whatever always get to hear that this isn’t possible, and I admit that maybe it’s just wishful thinking:) But having met so many Doms or wannabe-doms in my life, I had that certain knowledge. I call it knowledge because it’s more than just a feeling. It’s a look and then this cognition. And obviously, it’s hard to describe.

There are so many guys out there who claim to be doms, but when you take a further look, they just take that so called dominance as an excuse for being bossy and treating people like assholes or for hurting people physically and mentally, without even thinking about the consequences. I think all of us subs who really strive to be owned and dominated dream of a Dom who possesses that natural dominance without being arrogant. I personally believe that the ideal Dom is someone who is self-reliant and doesn’t need to be mean to others in order to elevate himself. An ideal Dom is a person who is kind, reliable and responsible. He is centered in himself, so he can accept and cherish the gift of submission, and therefore respects or even loves his sub.

With that being said, I still think I could see at the first glance that John was dominant. You know, some guys seem very dominant when you first meet them, but when you get to know them, you find out that that’s just a kind of masquerade because their true self is insecure or even sub. Well, even Doms may have a certain insecurity about some things, but that’s humane, I think. But I’m talking about guys pretending to be a tiger and turning out to be a cuddly cat:) When John and I started seeing each other and it got clear that we liked each other, there were certain hints of his dominance. To be honest, it’s hard to figure that out and put it into words. Would it be sufficient if I just said that every word and every gesture expressed that he was comfortable in his body and mind? My friend W once said there are persons who constantly express a question mark and others who are more like a dot or even an exclamation mark. That hits the point, I guess.

More than in everyday life, his dominant attitude got clear when we were in bed. The very first time we had sex, I told him that I’ve got scars, and he just said that he would not ask until I wanted to talk about it, and he just wanted to know whether it would hurt me if he touched them. We didn’t need to talk about who is the receiving part. That was no question at all. I guess that got clear by just being together. I think I’m not good in hiding my submissive attitude anyway, but when I’m fucked, I totally open up and let go. I think he liked it when he saw me giving in and savouring being taken. It was not long until things got a bit rougher.

In retrospective, I’d say that the majority of things were negotiated without even needing to talk about them. But certainly we came to a point where we told each other what we liked and needed and where our limits were. He told me that all his relationships ended sooner or later because nobody was the resilient partner he was looking for and that he had given up hope to find a partner who’d fit his sadistic needs. I was honest and told him that I was abused long-term and that I had a bunch of problems connected to that, like PTSD, issues with self-harm and eating-disorders and so on, and that I craved to be owned, but that I knew there might arise further problems, for example losing myself in that BDSM-thing. He said, he could destroy me (and I knew he could), but that he always thought of Doms who destroy already physically and mentally abused and injured subs as nasty fuckers who deserve to be spanked to death LOL I guess it’s a tightrope walk, you know, to find that RIGHT balance between giving your injured sub what he really needs, but on the other hand taking care not to cause any further damage or even help him heal. And John said, he would not want to cause any damage to me, because that would not fit his kind of codex, because he liked my brother (and he would dismiss him if he didn’t do me good) and last but not least, because he really liked me.

The rules I live by nowadays didn’t come overnight. We had to find out what works for the two of us and I admit that I liked John stretching my borders every now and then. Because sometimes I don’t dare to try something new and he just makes me do it. For example, when we had just met, chastity was only a fantasy, but he offered me the possibility to experiment with it and we found we both really like it. It could have turned out that we don’t like it, then we would have dismissed it. And I think that’s true for all things that have become part of our 24/7-relationship. I guess we still like to try new things and therefore our relationship goes on developing.

I think it’s impossible to meet someone and decide “let’s make it 24/7!”. It’s got to grow, you may makes mistakes, you may leave some things behind and come up with new things, you might learn a lot about yourself and your partner, you are free to find out what fits you best. I personally needed quite a while to wrap my thoughts around the fact that serving a sadistic man who hits me in the face whenever and makes me piss myself if he’s in the mood is not “really” self-harm, but moreover a kind of self-care. Am I completely in peace with being a masochistic, submissive sissy slut cumwhore? Not at all! But it helps to know that I haven’t made myself and that my overall disposition might even be in my genes.

I’m sorry, this one got longer than intended, but I hope it helps figuring out how that 24/7-relationship came to be.

The Other Side Of The Flogger

Last weekend, John and I attended a BDSM club and after playing, John drove us home. I was tired and exhausted, but when we entered the house, he said “I could use something to eat”. So, at 3 in the morning, I went into the kitchen to make him scrambled eggs on toast, some sausages and a cup of tea, while he snuggled up in bed and waited for me to serve the dish. When he was finished, I went back into the kitchen, did the dishes and cleaned the oven. Then I was allowed to go to bed as well.

Sometimes my friend W asks me “What is it like to be a sub, 24/7?”, and I’d say, the story above is all that is to it. But I thought it might be fun to write down some details:) But before I start, I just want to add that all I talk about here is true for John and me and doesn’t represent any other 24/7-couples! Let’s start:)

Being John’s 24/7-sub is all about devotion, obedience, serving and striving to be the best you can. He doesn’t allow himself any laxness and for sure he won’t forgive you any.

Concerning yourself that means: stick to the rules he has given to you. Take care for your body and your mental health. Eat, drink and sleep enough. Be helpful. Be polite. Be dutyful. Always tell the truth. Secrets? Not allowed. Swearing? Not allowed. Take care for your body. Take showers every day, wash your hair at least three times a week. Shave all over, body hair is for Alphas only. Use a lotion. Use a perfume he has chosen for you. Dress well and appropriate.

Concerning your chores that means: do what he tells you to do when he tells you to. There is just one way a task can be fulfilled, and that is his way. His house shall be the home he likes to return to each evening, so keep it clean, tidy and neat. Keep everything in place. Your belongings have their own places. It is his house, so it’s him to decide what’s right. It’s his house, so of course he needs more space for his belongings than you. He tells you when the sink is clean and he decides what you’ll have to do if it is not. Take care for the details. Toilet paper ends get folded twice to form a nice triangle. At table, everything has its place. Socks must be sorted by colour and there is only one way to fold them.

Corcerning him that means: he is a busy man with a lot of responsibilities. When he comes home, he wants to relax. Welcome him back home, take his jacket and bring his slippers. Offer a drink/tea and just listen to him. He had a hard day and isn’t in the mood for your chitchat. You’ll get to know when you’re allowed to talk. Rather listen to him and offer a massage or a blowjob. He is hungry, so make dinner. You know what he likes and what he doesn’t even want to try. Stick to that, no experiments unless he has approved. Whenever he wants sex, you have to serve. Your body is his, so he gets whatever he desires, whenever and wherever. No no’s except for the limits you have approved. His satisfaction is obligatory, yours is a pleasantry. Be thankful. Swallow all he gives to you, it’s good for you. Say thank you. There’s no use in begging for anything, you only get what he wants you to have. Your cocklette is his, his cock is his. Respect his need for spare time he spends alone or with friends. He’ll tell you when you’re allowed to go and meet your friends, too. Never ask him where he’s been or with whom he has been, that’s none of your business unless he decides to tell you. You’re allowed to feel jealous, but you have no right to be possessive. Keep interesting for him. Read and watch news so that you understand what he is talking about. Be interested in all he says. His well-being is your highest good. A happy Dom equals a happy you.

Well, writing this down, I sometimes had to grin, because it sounds like John is more like a dictator than my husband, right? But to be honest, over the years we have come to quite a lot agreements, for example, I know he needs much time for himself, so he is OK with me being away more often than when we had just met. I have enough time for myself and my friends, no need to worry:) But after all, if he’d tell me to stay home, I’d rather do that than go to my Yoga class.

In our everyday life, that 24/7-relationship has a lot of effects on how we do things. I tend to see myself as his maid/servant/slave/possession and him as my Owner/Master/Husband/Dad/Dom. He is the leader, the Alpha, the ruler.

I think there’ll be part 2 with some stories from our life together:)

Easter

We arrived back home Monday afternoon and after unpacking the bags and cooking a nice and simple meal, I feel like I’m home again. Perhaps it becomes easier to return after being away if one is away more often!

The days we spent with Leo were amazing. He had sought out a really nice hotel with a spa, and as I predicted, I spent most of my time either at the spa, in the restaurant or in bed:) And I guess in the next week I’ll go for salads, fruits and muesli:)

I was totally excited to meet Leo again. He and John meet more often and I try to step back and allow them to indulge in their time together after they waited so many years for each other, but sometimes that’s hard, because I feel for Leo, too. So when we met on Wednesday evening, I was jumpy and nervous, but he was as kind as ever and after one or two hours, I was able to relax and just enjoy us being together again. We went to the restaurant and they offered to make a special meal for me as I don’t eat meat and have difficulties in digesting dairy. And so they did every day!

Leo had booked a suite with two bedrooms and two bathrooms, so that we didn’t have to leave our suite to swap beds:) That was nice, because in most other hotels we have to book two rooms and then step out on the corridor if we want to change rooms, and that of course makes people notice sometimes. For me, that’d be O.K., but both John and Leo like to be a bit more discreet, and that’s why the suite was perfect.

This weekend, I spent most of my time as Blaubeermann, even though when we were in our rooms, I sometimes dressed up as Ginny. That too was in order to not be noticed. I guess there a places where you don’t mind other people’s opinion and others where you try to keep private what’s private. It was O.K. for me, especially in the spa, and when we finally shut the door behind us in the evenings, I was happy to put on make up and dress in pretty things:) Some weeks ago I saw a nice picture on tumblr with a guy wearing a blue panty and blue stockings and with the words added “I don’t mind blue for for boys as long as there’s a lot of lace included!” LOL

Now everything’s back to our usual schedule and John and I are making plans for our next holidays in June. He said he wants to show me his hometown and the area he grew up in, and perhaps we’ll go there (or we might go there in October?). I said I always wanted to travel to Scandinavia, but be objected he doesn’t want to get killed by mosquitoes LOL We’ll see.

For this week, I haven’t planned anything special, just work, Yoga and running. On the weekend, John and I will be attending a BDSM party and therefore I am kept chaste this week, with a nice pink bow added to the Birdlock😉