Although I define our relationship as monogamic, John reserves the right to have sex with other males as well. Now one might argue about what is monogamic about that, but I think that a relationship depends mostly on feelings of love, relatedness and so on and not so much on never sleeping with anyone else again. But this does not neccessarily mean that it does not hurt me seeing John having intercourse with other men. To be honest, each and every time I have to struggle with feelings of jealousy and the fear of losing him. Well, it is part of the game we play. Sometimes I am not sure if it makes it better or worse to always know and witness what he is doing with and to others (we have the agreement that everything John does takes places before my eyes).
It is both awesome and abominable to watch John with other guys, especially if it gets to that kissing and stroking thing. In these moments I experience a tickling mixture of lust, jealousy, pain and fear, all at once, which makes it unbelievably intense. These feelings can even be raised if John decides to ban me from taking part in the game and all that remains for me is to watch or if he asks me to prepare the other man for him by undressing him or something else. The most humiliating aspect is of course being kept from stimulation and climaxing, while the others are having their fun with each other.
I have granted John the right to let my body and mind be used by other men, be it for mindgames / mindfucks, be it for sexual purposes. I am not to reject a man he chooses for me which sometimes is hard for me. Of course John knows which types I would prefer and sometimes I am lucky enough to be gifted with one of those, but most times John chooses men I myself would not want to have sex with. But on the other hand, it satisfies these masochistic needs to overcome my own desires and give in to Johns demands.
Although I am happy with our relationship, I know for sure that if it was only me to decide, I would choose John to be the only one for me and vice versa, not only by heart but also by body. But what do I know? Perhaps it would not be enough for me, perhaps I would miss it. Well, Sir, it might well be that I have one of my weak moments again…