Just a quick note before I go to work.
A friend of mine who read my “Abuse”-article was surprised by my frankness when talking about what exactly my father inflicted on me. It was hard for me to get his point. Well, it happened, why shouldn’t I tell? It made me who I am and I do not want to feel sorry for myself any longer. Sure it was painful, tragic, dirty and degrading, but I survived. I did even more! I have struggled for everything in my life: for sleeping without fear, for eating and drinking, for overcoming depression and self-injuring. I succeeded and lead a happy life now, even though I am probably still drawn to what I call the “darker shades of blue”. That’s why I chose this term as my blog-title as well. What do people expect me to do? Crouch in a corner and moan about life’s cruelty? I was a victim but I am no longer. Any given day I have to cope with the abuse’s outcome, but I refuse to see myself as weak, dirty or unjustified in my need to talk about the deeds or my feelings.
The web is full of porn, violence and abuse on any level you can imagine and most people clutter their minds with violent speech, music, movies and so on. But I should feel ashamed when telling the truth about myself? Silencing the victims is an old and rather fucked game I do not want to play. By talking about what my father did to me, I demystify it. It was real, but it is over. I am sorry if my frank words might hurt anyone as I do not want to trigger or harm you. But I need to remember.