Next week it’s my Love’s birthday and as everytime we wished to make a short trip to a place we have never been before. In 2011 and 2012 we went hiking and stayed both times in small villages in sort of B&Bs, but this time John decided he wants to visit Berlin. I have never been to such a big city with so many people and I was really upset when John told me about his plans today. Even more because he had booked our hotel and the trip by train back in July! I started to cry because I felt so stressed and thought I couldn’t take it. John very calmly explained to me that he hadn’t decided to go on such a trip if he still would be convinced that I couldn’t do it. He said he has trust in me and will do everything he is able to to make that trip enjoyable for me as well. But I couldn’t stop being excited and one word came to the other and I said “John, damn it! You didn’t have the fucking right to do this without informing me!”. Ugh, quite a mistake as I am not allowed to curse at my Master, but I was angry and fearful. There were some seconds of silence and then I found myself on my knees for at least more than one hour, to calm me down, as he said. Kneeling on a triangular piece of wood with your hands folded behind your head is actually a harsh way to calm you down again as pain emerges rather quickly. Every now and then I was to lower my arms to ensure circulation, but all in all it was a long time down there.
After a while John took a seat beside me and in very kind words explained to me why he decided not to tell me about that trip. He said he knew that I’d refuse to go with him and let fear control me. I wanted to deny it, but when I thought about it, I found he was right. I really fear what might happen during the long journey, then during the stay, and I said so when I was allowed to talk. John said, he will hover over me and never leave me alone (only if I need to use the toilet or want to be left alone). He suggested I might see that trip as a challenge or a way into a kind of deeper relationship with trust on an even higher level. And it will be only 3 days with 2 nights, he added. Quite a managable period, hu?
I don’t know. I am still afraid. I am honoured by his trust in me and I deeply respect his willingness to try it, but I fear I may disappoint him. I fear I could wack out. John suggested I might wear collars around my wrists or even my neck if I want to (under my clothes) as they offer me a feeling of security. I think this might help a bit. When I feel enclosed, I feel safer. But I still feel completely surprised and anxious. But yes, Sir, I can take it. I want to take it. I have trust. Oh good God.