When John returned home from work yesterday, I could feel he was very upset, but he refused to talk about it before we had dinner. After dinner, I prepared tea and tried to persuade him to play chess with me, but he denied, although he still did not want to talk about whatever made him feel so angry. I felt a bit helpless, but I know that it is best to let him have his way till he decides to start a conversation. But John just hid away behind his netbook and did not even look at me. I really hate this as I always fear I might have done something wrong which offended him and then be left alone to cope with this. So after a not very successful attempt to read a bit, I told him I’d take a shower and then return, but he just nodded his head. Sigh.
After showering, I was about to get dressed again, when suddenly John entered, his face a grimace of anger and … defiance? Could it be? He didn’t say a word, just grabbed me by my wrist and jockeyed me to our bed in the room next door. “On your knees, son.” Sure I obeyed, rather surprised. He gave me a damn hard spanking and still refused to answer to my question what I did wrong. When he was finished, he fucked me. Well, usually I try not to sound dull, but sure yesterday he was not making love to me but just fucked the brain out of me. He was furious, but after a while I could feel him relaxing although he still pounded me vigorously. Eventually he told me to turn around and lie on my back. Again he fucked me, but now looked into my eyes. I was not sure about what I saw. Lust and anger but still something else I could not name. He proceeded for a moment and I was like drifting on both pain and unfulfilled lust, as he asked (in German!) “Kannst Du Gott sehen? Wenn ich dich ficke?” I did not hestitate to reply “Ja”, but he kept asking two more times if I am able to see God when he fucks me. Short before he reached the peak he said tartly: “Gott kann dich nicht haben!” (God can’t have you) First I thought I had gotten that wrong…
After my Love had climaxed, he became very fond and stroked my head and kissed my face, but I could feel he was trembling inside. I nestled myself into his arms and kept kissing him until we both had settled down. Then I asked him why he had said what he had said. He was a bit reluctant to tell me, but in the end he said that he feels excluded from my increasing spirituality and that he fears I might veer away from him, sooner or later, as he does not share this part of my life. He of course reads this blog and apart from W, S and C, John is the one person I share my innermost thoughts with. In fact, he is the one I am ultimately close with. To see him insecure about me or about my loyalty was very moving. I don’t feel like I have to make a decision between my life with John and my spiritual life, as I have only been able to open up for Lord Shiva because of this wonderful man by my side.
John, I’m serious, there’s nothing to fear as I have already told you. I am not going to excuse for or being ashamed because of being gay and living out our relationship the way we do. If I had not met you, there would be no space in my heart for God because it would not know love at all. You are the most precious gift I ever received and the reason why I know God exists. I’m serious.
I think one needs a whole lot of trust to let one’s partner make his own experiences, even more if they take place in a field one cannot follow. It dead sure takes trust to let John meet with the other men he works with as I know that they can talk about things I don’t even understand, and it takes trust to let him travel around Europe and the USA while I stay at home, thinking he might just find out how boring I am, after all. But John, I love you. You know, I want to be more than just a friend, don’t ya? :-) I wonder if others experience this as well and how they cope with it.