As I have already stated before, I use to dream and think in English quite often. I feel language does matter in terms of dealing with my own reality. I feel German is my father’s language and many words and phrases trigger memories and bad feelings (even everyday words like “Kaffee”). I can’t follow people who claim language does not matter and who try to focus on the content words provide only. I am not able to do so. Plus, I find German sounds rather harsh and like a commanding tone. So, I think I come well off with an English partner and a best friend from American origin 🙂
Now I was pondering on the question how language influences the idea I have of Lord Shiva. When I think of Him, I call Him Lord Shiva, not Herr Shiva or Gott Shiva. I feel comfortable with calling Him Lord Shiva, just like I would talk to or about a friend and someone I am close with. When I try to imagine Him as Herr Shiva, I feel distance between us. It’s nothing I would call logial, but just a feeling I have.
When I started to deal with Him, I was very much in doubt about His ability to accept me the way I am. I find myself insufficient in many aspects of life and definately not pure enough, in a ritualistic sense. It seems as if I’m simply not able to keep myself from “dirty” thoughts, mostly concerning sex, but also regarding violence. Well, this is one aspect I have never written about before, but although I am a passive being and have never had the tendency to fight, I have very violent thoughts, not only about myself. I think the major part of what you might call self-discipline is held up by those violent thoughts about myself. Self love is so much more difficult to create than those forcible toughts. When I feel like “um, I’m really not in the mood for vacuuming the livingroom”, there’s one part of myself which thinks “you better get your lazy ass moving, you useless son of a bitch, or I’ll fucking kick your stupid head in!”. I guess altought I tend to think and dream in English, my father found his way right inside my head, hu? I am very reckless with myself and don’t respect natural borders. I am not very kind with myself.
So, last night I dreamt of Lord Shiva. I was standing in a very big house with a huge stairway leading upstairs. I wanted to see what’s on the first floor, but I could not go on the stairway because a young man stepped into my way. He asked me whether I could tell the password, and I thought, dammit, you fucking idiot, you lost it! It seemed the young man knew what I was thinking. He smiled and I suddenly felt naked and as if He had taken a close look inside my soul. I felt ashamed for being so rude to myself and simultaneously I knew He was Lord Shiva. He said I should understand that there are neither rights nor wrongs. When He said so, I suddenly remembered the password. I don’t remember it precisely, but it felt like it had to do with acceptance, but again I thought “nah, stupid asshole, that can’t be right!”. Lord Shiva again smiled at me, but He did not let me pass. I woke up with palpitations and heavy breathing.
Usually my dreams are not very hard to interpret, and so isn’t this dream, I suppose. Altought I’d say I somehow love Lord Shiva, it is still almost unthinkable for me that He might love or even like me. Me, that powerless wimp, ha! But I feel like I should try harder to improve the opinion I have about myself. Am I not trying the best I can to be an upright person, do my duties, be kind to everyone? Well, supposedly not to everone. Not to myself. So I thought it would be good to offer one more task to Lord Shiva: I will try to think better of myself. I will try to be loving to myself an respect myself. Ugh, this might be a hard one…