I Can’t Help It

Seems to me I spent the past days with drinking tea, playing chess, reading, smooching with my Love and sleeping 🙂 I enjoyed the peace and that there haven’t been any deadlines. On dec 24th John and I had been invited to W’s and S and C and some other friends of him were there, too. Everyone brought a little something to eat and we played a nice parlour game. When we returned home, my love presented me with a range of new markers and I also had something for him.

Yesterday afternoon my brother and sister-in-law came over for a visit. John had made fruit cake with icing and we chattered a while. In the evening, we went for dinner in a nice restaurant. I did not know how to behave in front of my brother because I feel ashamed for the things he said to me and when John and I were home again, I uttered that I miss blogging, but that I still didn’t know what to do about it. Sólveig had suggested I may set up a new blog and not tell my brother about it and I have thought about it, but I would miss this blog because of its name and I’m not sure whether I would start to write again if I stopped it here and now. Moreover, I have thought about what my brother said. I fully understand that it feels odd when he’s reading what we do in the bedroom (or elsewhere), because I would not want to know what he and my sister-in-law do as well. But that’s the point. I have not started this blog for him, but for me and for John too, I guess. If he’d blog about what they like, it would be my decision whether I read it or not, but it wouldn’t change the things they like and do anyway. And I sure would not want them to change just because I could feel offended. It’s their affair and I think it’s my and John’s affair what we like and do, either. And part of what we like turns out to be writing / reading about it. All in all I have decided to keep this blog and keep blogging about BDSM, too. It’s a huge part of our lives. When I started this blog I have stated that sometimes I have problems with my affinity to BDSM because sometimes I feel guilty about it, but in the past few months my perception has changed a bit. I still feel guilty for some things, but it was good to write about it as it helps me refocussing.

I am a gay, submissive man and I find things turning on that are deeply connected to what my father did to me. Not everyone will be able to understand or like it, but that’s the way I am. I can’t help it.


One thought on “I Can’t Help It

  1. ich freue mich, daß du hier weiterbloggen wirst 🙂 ich kann gut verstehen, daß es dinge über menschen gibt, die man gar nicht wissen will, aber genau dafür hat man oben rechts ein kleines kreuzchen…

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