Confused

Guess that was inevitable. Had a bad night, felt cold and ill, but that’s not a flu. I’m sick from memories and emotions yet untouched. I can’t remember having ever felt as sheltered as I do with John who tried to warm me the whole night through with tea, a hot-water-bottle and his body. My whole body hurts, my back, my jaws, my head, my legs. It’s not real pain, it’s just a symptom of that fucking PTBS, so painkillers won’t work. I’m glad John will be with me today as work only starts tomorrow.

Whenever I tried to bar myself from something that felt strange but good at the same time, I sooner or later gave in to it. I mean, it felt strange to be spanked while lying on someone’s lap as my father did just the same, but it felt right, so I accepted it as part of my affection. I think sooner or later I will accept wearing diapers and drinking from a baby bottle as long as I don’t have to do it 24/7, but at the moment I feel confused. I want it, because it feels good. Is it about belonging? It’s not only that ring on my finger, it’s the fact that I call my Love Dad and that I start to feel in a different way about him. I know I’m attracted to him because he’s the stable, mature man he is and calling him Dad states this fact just a little bit clearer. Ugh. I’m so tired.

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