It’s been 52 days now since my last orgasm in Zürich. In the meantime I could cope with being kept chaste very well and had not a strong desire, but for a week now or so I’m really horny. Love has invented a new game to increase my horniness without helping me getting over it. He has stopped fucking me and uses a very small tool of perhaps 8 cm instead. So he can claim that I’ve gotten fucked and that it’s my own fault if I’m still horny. That really increases my sexual frustration and that makes me feel sad. I have started to do exercises in the morning and run about 3 miles a day back in March and I still practise Yoga, but all this won’t help. Master has pondered aloud on the question whether he will keep my desire unfulfilled until our wedding day, so that it would be a nice present for me to cum again. Ugh!
Another thing that’s been around is an uncertain feeling of being rejected because Love never sucks me off. I know it’s stupid and John has made it clear from the very beginning that he’d be the one to put things into me and that I’d always be the guy to receive things from him, but it would mean very much to me if he did suck me off. Love asked me whether I’m in doubt about our BDSM-relationship, but I’m not. A part of me just thinks it might be a sign of love if he did. And sure I liked being sucked off in former days, before I met John. I haven’t had passive oral sex for about three and a half years now, apart from one occasion John allowed me a few seconds. I feel like our relationship has changed a lot in the past few month and altough I’m still the passive and submissive man I used to be, I feel rejected. And although being kept chaste is helpful for me in a few aspects, I have started to think about whether or not I still want it. I tend to masturbate obsessively, but I feel I have understood why I did. It was a simple way to release pressure and it was better than injuring myself or drinking or whatever I did to come down, but it seems the physical exercises take a lot of this inner pressure from me. I just feel like I want to take back that responsibility and to be free to decide whether I not I want to climax. But would it make me feel happier? I do not know yet.
I had a great conversation about desire and masturbation with a man who practises Zen and he said, he just realizes his horniness or stiffy and then waits until it’s over. He said he just lets it pass by and so he’s not obsessed with thoughts of sex. I don’t know if I could ever be that strong-minded, but I thought he was cool. He also said that he would have a lot more energy now for his everyday life.