What About Playing?

I have managed to make a hook on almost every task on that list John gave me, but still he refuses to play with me which gives me a hard time. I know I could end this all and tell him to take off the Birdlock, but somehow I do not want to. Why? I’ve come so far and in a strange way it satisfies me to experience I have the will-power to make it. What really hurts and tickles is that Love went to a glory hole twice this month. You put 20 € through that hole and then you get a blow job by someone you don’t even see. Later he told me everything about it and I was like melting, because I wished so much for this other guy had been me. But it reminds me of episodes of my life I don’t really like, because I made some money by having sex with strangers when I lived on the street. John said that I have to value that he is so moderate just having a little bit sex with others while his husband (me!) is busy. Ugh, yeah. And sure I like to know he’s satisfied and it increases my own desire to hear about it or witness it, but ugh!!! This evening the two of us will be visiting a gay sauna club again and I will watch him fucking someone else. What is that weird thing about, watching Love having another? I like it and I hate it. I love this man so much, I can’t put in in words. I’d do most everything for him and accept at least all he gives to me. I do trust him to do me no harm. I know he’s very caring, that Dad of mine. There are times when playing hurts. Just like in any good game.

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