I just love to see the lovemarks Master leaves on my skin. Freaks me totally out, even days later 🙂 I have been thinking about the spiritual aspects of BDSM. I’m not so sure whether I’ll be able to get to the point, but I’ll give it a go.
Although I have made spiritual experiences during sessions, I would not have called it that way until I found out about ritualized pain. There are many religions who accept ritualized pain as a service for the God or the Gods. Christianity and Hinduism are the first to pop up in my mind when thinking about it. Jesus Christ on the cross, wounded and with a crown of thorns is reenacted by believers, who even torture themselves with strokes on their backs like the medieval flaggellanti. In hinduism, there are streams in which people put hooks through their cheeks, tongues, backs and so on to experience severe pain. Some consider this pain as a gift for the Gods, some say their God makes them resistent to pain, which they want to prove by injuring themselves.
Every pain means stress to the body and the mind. The body reacts to pain by producing pain-recuding subtances (I don’t know what they are called) so that one gets a bit high. At least, that’s what I feel like when pain is inflicted on me. The more pain, the higher I get. But, to be honest, the pain I experience during sessions is totally different from the pain I experience when cutting me accidentally LOL I guess that’s because during sessions I’m in an altered state of mind due to the setting. When playing, I’m in an inferior role like the misbehaved boy or son. John and I like to extend these roles into our everyday life, but I guess there’s still a big difference in our behaviour and understanding of our roles when playing and when being in our everday routine. For example, I really like being slapped in the face when playing, but it would hurt my feelings if John did that to me when we were not playing. We have managed to communicate by looks so that we know if the other would like to join in a game or not. For others the borders between our “normal” relationship and playing are very diffuse, I guess.
I have agreed to expand the limits of our relationship, so that John may have sex with others and can decide for me whether I’m allowed to have sex or not. I have even agreed to the fact that he can lend me to others who may use me (as far as they stick to the rules). These things cause mental pain. I have not been able to find out why I like this sort of pain. Perhaps because it also expands the limits, or perhaps because of what my father did to me. His “games” were not only physical.
When getting spanked, I feel I’m not in charge. I’m all helpless. I give in to my Master. When we started our BDSM-relationship, we had talked it over that he’d like to hit me and that I usually like to get hit. But I said that I’m afraid to try it, because I feared I might lose myself. Sometimes things trigger and then I’m with my father again, which is quite a kink-killer LOL In one of our first sessions I felt I could not go on and I asked him to stop without using our safe-word. When you ask your Master to stop without using that word, he will not stop, but I had just forgotten about the word. So he went on caning me and demanded discipline from me, while I thought I could not take it. But then it changed. I found out that I had just passed a barrier and that John’s authority would carry me anywhere from there. It was the first time I experienced that a strong and stable Master can help you emerge and rise above yourself and take much, much more than you ever thought you could. But although we’re together now for so long, I’m still not able to understand why he feels comfortable with all the responsibility lasting on his shoulders (job, me and so on). I wouldn’t be able to bear it, but he is and he likes it. Love can’t endure helplessness and being passive and I can’t bear being in charge and offensive.
At some point of the game, when things get really painful and annoying, it feels like I can leave my thoughts and doubts behind. There is only Master. His voice carries me through anything. His will becomes my will. I’m obedient and stop thinking. I’m at his mercy. Well, I guess that’s what believers experience in their relationship with God. You are minor, He is superior. But although he could just break or kill you, he carries you on his wings of love through it all, until you experience your own strength and worth and feel only thankful and full of love. He could do the worst thing to you, but he decides to do you only good, even though it hurts. Would it be good, if it did not hurt? Well, not for me. I need this pain, I need to be disciplined and put where I belong.