Last weekend, John and I went to Switzerland. He had presented me with that trip for my birthday and I was very nervous, because we were flying there und would meet L, John’s childhood sweetheart. I felt a bit weak when we entered the plane, but Love held my hand firmly and it turned out that flying is not so bad, except for ear pain. When we arrived, we took a taxi to the hotel, checked in and had a walk across town. I really like Switzerland, everyone is very polite and helpful. We had tea in a small café and it was then I uttered I was a bit anxious to meet L. Not because of L as a person, but because he is a very stable and responsible man, too. Many people depend on him, just like on John, and I tend to feel a bit poor considering that. It’s like the “salad-boy” in jeans meets two businessman in suits. It always makes me feel insufficient. John and I are O.K. with it, but I know people tend to look at us and judge our relationship like “it’s only phyical and as soon as John is satisfied, he’ll drop that salad-boy”.
However, Love and I went back to the hotel, changed and then it was time to meet L. He had suggested to meet in a nice restaurant where they offer vegetarian dishes as well, because he knows I’m a vegetarian. How sweet is that? 🙂 Our first hour together was a bit formal, but L is very nice and funny, too, so that I opened up the more the longer we sat there and talked. From the very beginning it was clear that L still fancies John, and I could tell by the look in John’s eyes and his beaming face that he fancies L, too. It was a bit strange witnessing these two guys flirting while trying not to flirt LOL
At 10, John voted for us to move to the bar in our hotel, and so we did. I do not drink alcohol because I don’t agree with it, but they both had some drinks. They talked about old memories from school and I could see them getting sad. After a while, they were silent and John smiled faintly. It was that moment, when I felt completely pity for them. You never know how it would have ended, but I thought if they had not been separated, they might still be together, and I may have never met John anyway. And I was totally aware of the fact that these two still crave each other. I thought perhaps it would make it easier if they just gave in. It took all my courage to say it, but I did. When the words were out, John and L said nothing, just looked at me, looked at each other and still did not reply. “What?” I asked. “Uhm, well, I have asked myself whether you two would just let me…watch?”, L said. John and I changed looks, John smiled slightly, so I nodded. I wanted to know why L did not want to take part, but he did not reply properly. We finished our drinks. L said he’d pay, so that John and I could already return to our room and he would follow. We agreed. In the lift I asked John what he thought why L would not join us. He told me, he thinks L thinks he’s too fat and old and unattractive to meet with other guys, which is why he still lives alone. Ugh, that made me sad, especially because he’s such a kind man. We did not talk anymore, but I felt like we had come to a silent agreement.
When L followed some minutes later, he settled into an armchair near the bed. John and I were still standing, when we began kissing. I was nervous. It’s not the same in front of someone so dear to your husband. John started opening my shirt and I took his off. I could hear L swallow when he say John naked. Love smiled at me and I knew what to do. I went to L, knelt down before him and began stroking his shaking hands, then softly kissed him, while John stayed where he was. “Come”, I told him, got up and took him by the hand. I led him to John. They just stood there for eternity, looking into each other’s eyes, and I thought it was like they were asking each other for excuse. Finally, they smiled and John kissed him.
I watched them from the armchair and did not intervene. It was totally different from anything else John and I had done in the past years, and I guess that’s because they feel for each other. They literally made love, but it did not make me feel jealous or uncomfortable. It was peaceful and quiet and beautiful and I was glad they shared this moment of their lives with me. Later, they invited me, and I thankfully came over.
L just stayed with us the next two days. We spent the whole time together and I tried to back off a bit. They were holding hands and kissing and cuddling, but I did not feel excluded. It was more like our relationship was expanded by L, and he and I held hands and kissed, too. It was weird, but I liked it. I liked them that happy and I liked it when they told each other “I love you”. I don’t know what that means or where it may lead us, but it feels right. I would have thought I might feel like losing John, but instead I feel like gaining a new perspective and well, love.L will be with us for some days during september and I can’t wait to meet him again. I know, Love can’t.