Christmas Coming Up

This week in the café and shop we have arranged the decorations and I helped hanging up the garlands. On Dec 6th we will have a little Christmas Market with a few stands where local farmers sell their products such as honey, soap, decorations with flowers and so on. I have applied for baking wafers and selling them and I’m a bit nervous, but my boss already told me I could tell her if I needed to pause.

At home, I have not had the time yet to think about decorations, but probably we’ll set up a Christmas tree and decorate it with the old glass ornaments John has inherited from his parents. We’re still not sure about how we will spend the Holidays. L has invited us to Switzerland as well as we have invited him to stay with us. I want to see my family during the Holidays, but they do not really like the thought of L attending as well. All in all I’m still indecisive. I think it would be rude to ask L to stay at home while John and I visit my family.

My Yoga teacher has invited our class to a little feast as well. In mid-December we’ll be having tea and some cake after our lesson. He already promised to make a midwinter-meditation with us and I’m really looking forward to it because later I might show it to W.

W, some of his friends and I have thought about a little ritual (Yul) in the woods which sounds interesting to me. I hope there will be snow 🙂

This year I’m a bit late with the presents, but the older I grow, the less Christmas presents mean to me. If I had it my way, there’d be no presents at all, but even if I tell people I don’t want anything, they’d still present me with things like a bath additive or a shawl or something like that. Probably it makes more sense to choose a few things I really want to have or may use afterwards such as a new cake pan, a blanket or so. Love has thought aloud about locking me into the Birdlock until Christmas, because it would be a nice present to unlock me again 🙂 But I’m also indecisive about that. I’m quite happy with being unlocked.

In therapy, this week we talked about identifying with the abuser when being abused as a child. In my clear conscience I know what my father did was wrong, but on a more subconscious level I still try to please him or to prevent people from talking bad about him. For example, during my daily chores thoughts pop up like “I know he’d be pleased if he saw that” or “if he heard the noise of the vacuum cleaner, he’d get mad” or so. He’s still so very much inside of me.


Tantric Massage

On the weekend I enticed John to receive a Tantric massage by me and I hope it was a fine surrogate for the gangbang event he missed 🙂 It was the first massage of that kind I have ever given and therefore I was quite nervous and excited whether I’d do it well and enjoyable. I had read a bit about it and was discouraged because Tantric massage after all seems to be a science for itself. There are even schools which teach how to become a Tantric massage therapist, but I thought it might work out well if I’d do it with love and devotion.

I bought a massage oil from an Indian store which decently smelled of sandalwood, but which is not too sweet and heavy. John was a bit sceptical about it, but I guess he liked it. On Saturday, I lit a few candles around our bed and put a few towels and a a soft blanket on it. I dimmed the light to create a peaceful atmosphere and played meditation music I found on Youtube.

I was a bit ashamed to be naked in front of John, which was odd as I ought to be used to it, but I found out, to me, there’s a big difference in being naked while showering or having sex or being naked during such a massage. I can’t explain why.

I tried to focus on John’s reaction while massaging him. First of all, I spread the oil on his whole body, then covered the parts I was recently not working on with a light towel to keep him warm. I tried to always work towards the heart, but found that a bit difficult as I came to his hands and fingers. Some videos about massaging show movements towards the fingertips, which are movements away from the heart. Might depent upon the technique, I suppose, but I tried to avoid these strokes. His breath deepened and he seemed to relax completely. I tried not to disturb him by questions as it was said in one of the videos. When I had started, I was convinced it would not end up to be an erotic massage, but when I turned to Love’s front side, I found he was aroused. It was very different to what we usually enjoy, but it was intense and loving. He was able to let go and allow me to take the lead, and so I took my time to coddle him and let his horniness increase very slowly. In the end, after he had climaxed, I massaged him until he calmed down again and even fell asleep which I took as a compliment.

In traditional Tantric massage there are no sexual actions allowed as it focusses on the control of the sexual energy in order to gain power, but I have to admit that I could not help but please my Love. To me, it was beautiful, and I hope he will allow us to repeat that. I’d like to meditate with Love, but I guess that’d be too much for him.


This weekend an event will take place in Cologne John wanted to attend, but I did not know what to make of it. It’s about anonymous gangbang and while being used by a crowd is a nice fantasy to me, I’m not sure whether I really want to experience it. I suppose it’s part of the fantasies I have because of the abuse and giving in to it would be a kind of self-inflicted injury. John accepted my objection, but I think he’s a bit disappointed. At the moment I’m really striving to stay centered and not drift away, but it’s a bit hard to me. Lately John lent me to a Japanese colleague who turned out to like Japanese Bondage. That was quite an experience for me. Of course I’m used to being tied, but hovering half a meter above the floor while getting spanked and fucked was new to me. I liked it. It was like letting go and receiving whatever he wanted to give to me and that it all took place in a gay-club I had never attended before, made it even better. John was with us, but he kept reserved in order not to disturb us. To be honest, I was surprised because of the fact Love allowed job and family life to mingle anyway, but that the Japanese will not return to Germany soon might be the reason. And I know Love likes to watch me having fun with others, just like I do vice versa.

In the past few months I’ve dealt with the idea of Tantric sex. In the beginning it surprised me that this topic turned up, because I had certain hang-ups about it, such as Tantric sex only may take place between heterosexuals, because it takes a lingam and a yoni part as well. It was my fault I reduced the yoni part to the mere existence of a physical vagina. I had a lot of very interesting conversations about being gay and practising Tantra with W, who, as always, seems to know a lot about it. He said that I should let go of the thought if I lacked a vagina, I could not practise Tantra, because the principle of the yoni-energy is rather connected with receiving than with having a vagina. I guess I still take things too literally LOL As it turned out, I’ve already been adapting the yoni part all of my life as I have always been the more passive, receiving and serving part (not only during sex). And due to the lore of Tantra, it’s quite natural for me to be attracted by dominant, active and perhaps aggressive men. My kind of energy knows what it lacks and searches for it in the outer world, and that’s the only way to feel fulfilled and completed. That thought quite stroke me, because that’s what I have experienced my whole life through.

Worshipping Lord Shiva is connected with worshipping the lingam, the symbol for the masculine, active, aggressive and heading forward energy and I always felt that something was missing. Dealing more with the yoni, even in symbol, seems to complete me and my relationship with Lord Shiva. And more and more I come to the conclusion that accepting Lord Shiva as my spiritual father fitted perfectly into the pattern: my yoni-energy was attracted by his lingam-energy. That’s why it works out so well with the two of us.

But I also do understand that I’ll have to watch myself because I tend to let go too much of my self-control when I’m together with an active and lingam-emphasised man. My yoni-energy is ways too insecure and would like to identify with the lingam-energy beyond the point of safe return…

I’d love to convince John from the neccessety to take part in a Tantra workshop for gay men, but I guess he doesn’t want to. Perhaps I’ll ask W 🙂


Normalerweise redet man nicht über Geld, man hat es oder nicht. Ich brauche nicht viel zum Leben und es fällt mir schwer, Geld für Sachen auszugeben, die nur schön und nicht nützlich sind. John hat im letzten Sommer gesagt, dass ich eigenes Geld haben soll, und es so eingerichtet, dass ich jeden Monat einen Betrag auf ein Konto bekomme. Von dem Geld soll ich mir Kleidung kaufen oder Sachen, die mir sonst noch gefallen. Bei John und mir sind es zwei Welten, die aufeinander prallen. Er kauft sich gern neue Sachen und gibt die alten in die Sammlung. Ich trage meine Sachen sehr lang und flicke sie auch, wenn sie Löcher bekommen sollten oder wenn ein Knopf ab ist. John möchte, dass ich mich mehr männlich und weniger wie ein Junge kleide. Ich trage am liebsten Jeans mit einem T-Shirt oder Pulli, aber er mag lieber Hemden und Saccos an mir. Ich fühle mich darin manchmal zu angezogen, aber es gibt auch Sachen, die ich gerne trage. Aber eigentlich wollte ich gar nicht über Kleidung schreiben.

Wir waren bei einem Mitarbeiter von John zum Essen eingeladen. Es ist für mich problematisch, wenn ich John bei solchen Anlässen begleiten soll, weil ich dann schon direkt weiß, dass alle anderen in einer anderen Gesellschaftsklasse leben und nicht alle damit so unbefangen sind wie John. Viele lassen es mich spüren, dass sie finden, dass ich unverschämtes Glück gehabt habe, dass John mich geheiratet hat. Als John die Einladung überbracht hat, hätte ich am liebsten gesagt, dass ich nicht mit ihm gehe, aber das kann ich nicht machen. Es wäre unhöflich und außerdem bin ich ja eigentlich froh, dass sie es akzeptieren, dass er schwul ist. Es gibt viele Männer in seiner Branche, die schwul sind, aber die meisten verstecken es, weil sie Angst haben, nicht mehr akzeptiert zu werden.

Ich weiß, dass es vorverurteilend war, aber schon als wir das Haus von dem Mann betraten, habe ich gedacht, dass der Abend nicht gut verlaufen wird. Es gibt Häuser, wo Menschen drin wohnen, und es gibt andere Häuser, die man hat, um mit ihnen anzugeben (Love, don’t be mad with me). Wir wurden herumgeführt und sollten alles bewundern, was er hatte. Bilder, Porzellanfiguren, Teppiche und alles andere. Ich habe mich nicht gut gefühlt. Wir haben dann am Esstisch gewartet und der Hausherr und seine Frau haben gekocht. Es war eine offene Küche und wir konnten ihnen zusehen und uns trotzdem mit ihnen unterhalten.

Es waren auch noch andere Gäste da. Ich hatte mit ihnen nichts zu erzählen, weil sie das Gespräch als beendet angesehen haben, wo ich gesagt habe, dass ich stundenweise in einer Einrichtung für Behinderte arbeite. Eine Frau dachte, ich wäre da ein Aufseher (sie hat wirklich Aufseher gesagt), aber ich habe gesagt, dass ich das nicht bin. Ich habe gesagt, dass ich auch behindert bin, und dann gab es nichts mehr zu sagen und sie hat John den ganzen Abend behandelt, als wenn sie Mitleid mit ihm hätte, und mich, als wäre ich schwerhörig. Es war sehr erniedrigend. Die Gastgeber wussten, dass ich Vegetarier bin, und ein anderer aß auch kein Fleisch und wir bekamen etwas abgewandelte Speisen. Das Essen war gut, aber es hat mich gestört, mit welchem Pomp es serviert wurde. Es reichte kein normaler Wein, es musste ein teurer sein (ich trinke keinen Wein und ich kann auch einen teuren nicht von einem billigen unterscheiden). Das Salz war eingeflogen. Das Brot war aus besonderem Mehl, extra aus Italien. Und so war alles ganz besonders und teuer. Beim Essen haben alle erzählt, was sie haben und wo sie Urlaub machen und welche ausgefallenen Sachen die sich kaufen können und dass alle sie immer mit Respekt behandeln. Hotelangestellte sind für sie Kakerlaken, habe ich gedacht. Und je länger der Abend dauerte, desto ungemütlicher wurde mir und desto schlechter habe ich mich gefühlt.

Es ist sehr schwer für mich, dann höflich und bescheiden zu bleiben. Ich habe mich gefragt, wie John es aushält, so oft von diesen Leuten umgeben zu sein. Im Auto haben wir darüber geredet und er war wütend auf mich, weil er fand, dass ich mich nicht gut benommen habe, weil man mir ansehen konnte, dass ich mich unwohl gefühlt habe. Wir hatten einen Streit deswegen. Ich weiß, dass wir aus unterschiedlichen Welten kommen, aber das habe ich nie so sehr gespürt wie an diesem Abend.

Kommendes Wochenende verleiht John mich an einen Geschäftspartner aus Japan. Ich weiß noch nicht, was mich erwartet. Er mag BDSM. Ich glaube, er hat das gemacht, weil er wütend auf mich war. Ich fühle mich im Moment nicht so gut.

Into The Dark

Last weekend, W had some friends attending and together we made a ritual because of Halloween or Samhain as it is called in witchery. This year, I have learned a lot about the so called wheel of the year by W and his friends and I was glad I could join them! Samhain is the feast of and for the dead who reside among the living for this one night. Kind persons arrange food and alcoholic drinks for the dead and take them to crossroads or set them upon their altars. I have placed a piece of apple cake and a glass of John’s red wine on my altar, the ledge, for Julian and all other dead people who want to have it (first I thought I don’t want my father to join the meal, but then again I thought he is dead as well and can’t do any harm to anyone).

On friday, we all met at W’s house. M was there as well. He works as a cook and he helped us preparing the food, which was great fun. I think I will try a dish he made for us by myself! We had pumpkin pie after W’s mother’s recipe with a whole lot of cinnamon and onions, Cajun-potatoes, roasted lamb (which I did not eat), spicy vegetables, a cranberry sauce and apple and pumpkin pudding for dessert. We were full! 🙂 M is not into spirituality and so he left us after dinner. I thought it would have been nice if John had joined us, but he went to the opera with A and M.

It took a lot of time to build up the altar. W had put a black cloth on his table and we all could bring whatever we thought would fit Samhain and our Gods. I brought a postcard of Lord Shiva with Lady Parvati, a bowl of rice with I had coloured with sepia so that it was quite black and a knife. I have written about knives and being a warrior before. I still fail to see myself as a warrior but Lord Shiva insists I am in a certain way, because I have managed to survive harsh conditions. We had a lot of candles and incense, too, and one woman who joined the ritual brought some cool selfmade rattles for us. Making music as a way to express myself is not that easy for me. I had to learn to play the piano in my childhood, but whenever I tried to express what I felt, I was corrected to play after notes only. But with a percussion instrument it’s a bit easier 🙂

W led through the ritual although everyone of us took part in it. First, we called upon our Gods, which was quite personal, I think. There are people who seem to issue commands to their Gods, but I try to be kind and humble when asking Lord Shiva to come to me. I guess I just try to treat him like I want to be treated as well, and I do not tend to command lovers or friends to do whatever I want to 🙂

I think there’s a big difference between Voodoo and Shivaism as W and I practise it. W has very extended rituals for his Gods which may take hours. I use to have shorter pujas for Lord Shiva, approximately 15 to 30 minutes, while W’s services may take 2 or more hours. I have asked myself whether that is why my service for Lord Shiva is not feastful enough, but W said, if it feels right for Him and me, then it is. And it does! So, when W and I make a ritual together, we try to find a compromise.

When we all felt our Gods were attending, there was enough time to do whatever we wanted to do with them. The woman I have mentioned above asked us all to rattle with her, while she sang a beautiful but sad song for her Goddess (Yemaja). W and another man both wanted to work with the energy of Papa Legba and created His sign on a plate with white wheat (Papa Legba is the Lord of the crossroads and He knows the realms of death which of course fitted into our ritual). When they were done, W channeled Papa Legba. It’s like the God takes over W’s body and mind, which looks and sounds a bit crazy. I guess I’d be too frightened to offer Lord Shiva to take over my body, but this is part of the spiritual tradition in W’s family, so he is used to it. We could ask Papa Legba questions and He would answer them. For some of us who had no question, Papa Legba had an advice, anyway 🙂 I myself had thought about chanting a mantra for Lord Shiva with help from the others, but then thought I don’t want to chant in front of others. It’s ok if it’s W only, but not in a group of people. So I brought dried petals with me and we made a garland out of it (at least it’s got the size of a bracelet). It was a quiet ritual, but I liked it, and when I hang it over the postard, I felt Lord Shiva and Lady Parvati liked it as well. Another man led us on a guided journey into the realm of death, but I did not know whether I liked it or not. I thought it might trigger memories, so I stayed a bit more centered. Between the single parts of the ritual we tried to calm down and the same man showed us special breathing and focussing rituals which reminded me of Yoga. All in all the ritual stretched from about 8 p.m. to 2 a.m.! Definitely the longest ritual I have ever attended! 🙂

When I came home, I was spent, but happy. The best ritual: crawling under the blanket and snuggle up into Love’s arms!