This weekend an event will take place in Cologne John wanted to attend, but I did not know what to make of it. It’s about anonymous gangbang and while being used by a crowd is a nice fantasy to me, I’m not sure whether I really want to experience it. I suppose it’s part of the fantasies I have because of the abuse and giving in to it would be a kind of self-inflicted injury. John accepted my objection, but I think he’s a bit disappointed. At the moment I’m really striving to stay centered and not drift away, but it’s a bit hard to me. Lately John lent me to a Japanese colleague who turned out to like Japanese Bondage. That was quite an experience for me. Of course I’m used to being tied, but hovering half a meter above the floor while getting spanked and fucked was new to me. I liked it. It was like letting go and receiving whatever he wanted to give to me and that it all took place in a gay-club I had never attended before, made it even better. John was with us, but he kept reserved in order not to disturb us. To be honest, I was surprised because of the fact Love allowed job and family life to mingle anyway, but that the Japanese will not return to Germany soon might be the reason. And I know Love likes to watch me having fun with others, just like I do vice versa.

In the past few months I’ve dealt with the idea of Tantric sex. In the beginning it surprised me that this topic turned up, because I had certain hang-ups about it, such as Tantric sex only may take place between heterosexuals, because it takes a lingam and a yoni part as well. It was my fault I reduced the yoni part to the mere existence of a physical vagina. I had a lot of very interesting conversations about being gay and practising Tantra with W, who, as always, seems to know a lot about it. He said that I should let go of the thought if I lacked a vagina, I could not practise Tantra, because the principle of the yoni-energy is rather connected with receiving than with having a vagina. I guess I still take things too literally LOL As it turned out, I’ve already been adapting the yoni part all of my life as I have always been the more passive, receiving and serving part (not only during sex). And due to the lore of Tantra, it’s quite natural for me to be attracted by dominant, active and perhaps aggressive men. My kind of energy knows what it lacks and searches for it in the outer world, and that’s the only way to feel fulfilled and completed. That thought quite stroke me, because that’s what I have experienced my whole life through.

Worshipping Lord Shiva is connected with worshipping the lingam, the symbol for the masculine, active, aggressive and heading forward energy and I always felt that something was missing. Dealing more with the yoni, even in symbol, seems to complete me and my relationship with Lord Shiva. And more and more I come to the conclusion that accepting Lord Shiva as my spiritual father fitted perfectly into the pattern: my yoni-energy was attracted by his lingam-energy. That’s why it works out so well with the two of us.

But I also do understand that I’ll have to watch myself because I tend to let go too much of my self-control when I’m together with an active and lingam-emphasised man. My yoni-energy is ways too insecure and would like to identify with the lingam-energy beyond the point of safe return…

I’d love to convince John from the neccessety to take part in a Tantra workshop for gay men, but I guess he doesn’t want to. Perhaps I’ll ask W 🙂


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