Christmas Coming Up

This week in the café and shop we have arranged the decorations and I helped hanging up the garlands. On Dec 6th we will have a little Christmas Market with a few stands where local farmers sell their products such as honey, soap, decorations with flowers and so on. I have applied for baking wafers and selling them and I’m a bit nervous, but my boss already told me I could tell her if I needed to pause.

At home, I have not had the time yet to think about decorations, but probably we’ll set up a Christmas tree and decorate it with the old glass ornaments John has inherited from his parents. We’re still not sure about how we will spend the Holidays. L has invited us to Switzerland as well as we have invited him to stay with us. I want to see my family during the Holidays, but they do not really like the thought of L attending as well. All in all I’m still indecisive. I think it would be rude to ask L to stay at home while John and I visit my family.

My Yoga teacher has invited our class to a little feast as well. In mid-December we’ll be having tea and some cake after our lesson. He already promised to make a midwinter-meditation with us and I’m really looking forward to it because later I might show it to W.

W, some of his friends and I have thought about a little ritual (Yul) in the woods which sounds interesting to me. I hope there will be snow 🙂

This year I’m a bit late with the presents, but the older I grow, the less Christmas presents mean to me. If I had it my way, there’d be no presents at all, but even if I tell people I don’t want anything, they’d still present me with things like a bath additive or a shawl or something like that. Probably it makes more sense to choose a few things I really want to have or may use afterwards such as a new cake pan, a blanket or so. Love has thought aloud about locking me into the Birdlock until Christmas, because it would be a nice present to unlock me again 🙂 But I’m also indecisive about that. I’m quite happy with being unlocked.

In therapy, this week we talked about identifying with the abuser when being abused as a child. In my clear conscience I know what my father did was wrong, but on a more subconscious level I still try to please him or to prevent people from talking bad about him. For example, during my daily chores thoughts pop up like “I know he’d be pleased if he saw that” or “if he heard the noise of the vacuum cleaner, he’d get mad” or so. He’s still so very much inside of me.


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