Yesterday Love presented me with an oil massage for back and neck and afterwards I was in the mood and gave him a Tantric massage or at least what I think is one 🙂 Afterwards we sat in the livingroom, drank tea and had a beautiful but nevertheless serious chat about John. Since last summer there have been changes in his attitude towards work. He often felt tired and over-worked and although he had a lot of free days and we went abroad for holidays, he did not feel better. A, one of his closest friends, suggested John might see his doctor and talk about depression or burn-out, but Love refused to. Yesterday he told me that he has thought about it a lot and thinks it would be wise to consult his doctor, because of the increasing feeling of emptiness and senselessness. I was aghast. Of course I had witnessed his weariness, but I had not thought it might be this serious 😦 I’m glad Love wants to intervene and I hope his dotor might lend a helping hand.

It seems to me there have been a lot of changes in the past year and we both need to adapt to them. We have become married, I have overcome my fear of leaving home for a trip, we have met Leo, we have hired a char and so on. I guess all things have developed in a very positive way, but we have to get used to all these changes. And there is another fear that haunts John a bit, the fear of growing too old. I asked him: too old for what exactly? He is healthy, he eats well (at least I’m trying my best to make him do), does his exercises, has friends and a reliable social network and so on. But nevertheless his 50th birthday is ahead and he feels old whatever I may say.

Perhaps it’s a hang-up gay men have, to stay forever young and hard-bodied. Many of us think only then we might stay desirable and attractive. But concerning me, the years have been good to John. He’s handsome and his grey hair gets myself clammy hands 🙂 I would not want him any other way, but I accept that his self-perception differs from my view of him. Anyway, I have promised to help him in any way I can. But I recognize on myself that I’m lesser and lesser attracted by young men and feel more and more drwan to older men with grey hair and wrinkles in the corner of their eyes 🙂

That’s perfection:


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