During the Christmas Holidays it was powerfully brought back to my mind that I can’t help being submissve and masochistic in a rather rough way, as I have already stated. In the past year I’ve been trying to emerge from being that submissive and to lead a more normal kind of life, as if the BDSM-aspect was reduced to what we did behind closed doors or in sexual context only. Our relationship changed, een before we met Leo. John allowed me to experiment with this new role. I have not been kept in chastity for such long periods of time and most of the year I have not been chaste at all. He agreed with hiring a char to help me with our household. Although we still had a BDSMy relationship, the lines between this and what I would call a normal relationship blurred. It did not always feel right for me to be used to John’s pleasure only and we had some serious chats about that. I ask him to ask for my permission before he would fuck me and that resulted in much lesser intercourse and spankings than I was used to. In the past few weeks and even more during Leo’s stay with us, I realized that my longing for a more normal and self-determined life caused our relationship to change dramatically. John tried his best to let me have my way and made some concessions concerning his dominant and sadistic affection. He went into distance to provide me with the clearance I seemed to need and lived out his dominant and sadistic needs with other men. That again made me jealous and did not increase my willingness to serve him.
In the past weeks I’ve been thinking very intensely about the clash between my ideal of a normal, self-determined life and my actual masochistic, submissive needs. Obviously I was trying to be someone I am not. I have mistaken admiring a stable, normal person with trying to be one. I do not regret the last year in terms of finding out more about myself, but trying to be who I am not put a lot of pressure upon me and for the worse on John. Maybe I can’t do no other way because of what my father did, but actually it doesn’t really matter to me any more.
I have missed being myself. I have really missed being told what to do, being available all the time, serve my Dom. I had forgotten about the most important rule of my relationship: keeping my Dom happy equals keeping myself happy.
When Leo was with us, it all came back with power. The days we spent with him were extraordinary anway and had nothing to do with our everyday life. So I found myself serving two men, being roughly used and slapped in the face, being fucked like a whore and loved like a husband. And it was then when I realized that I really need this because that’s me! I thought I could make myself equal to John if I denied being submissive, but that was doomed to failure.
At the moment Love and I try to refocus on what we really want and need and what we want our relationship to be. I have begged for his forgiveness and although he says he’s not mad with me, I know it will take some time to bring us back on course. I have asked him whether he’d have the kindness to punish me for my egoistic ways. He smiled mildly and replied that he thinks it was good to find out where I really belong and that he’s glad to have his boy back, then he asked why the fuck I was still on my feet and not kneeling before him, kissing his shoes. Well, I refused to do that before, but it turned out that asking for forgiveness and getting back on track is connected with stretching one’s boarders.
In these days I’m on my knees a lot, licking dirty shoes clean, getting spanked, blowing my Dom off and trying my best to demonstrate my contriteness. In the things John demands from me and in what he says I can sense how deeply it must have injured him to feel like losing his sub. He makes me suffer and I’m gratuful he does. We have to get rid of my attempts to lead a normal life and get back to business as usual. With me being kept chaste and denied and being told what to do. I feel like I’m back home, finally.