BDSM And Self-Injury

In one aspect, my therapist and I just can’t get to an agreement, although we kept talking about it for years. He says, BDSM for me is a way of hurting and injuring myself. From the beginning, he made it clear that he thinks it would be best to drop every little bit of BDSM in my life, so that my thoughts and cravings would follow some day. He does not push me, but I can’t help but feel guilty whenever we talk about it.

I totally get his point. John and I do at least a lot of things that are connected to what my father did. But we do so, because we both get turned on by it and, to be honest, he has agreed to do some things to and with me he is not really into, just because I seem to need them. On the other hand, I agreed to do things I’m not fully into. We have decided that only these things one of us really dislikes will never take place (such as burning). That’s a fair deal and we get along well with it.

I know I like being slapped in the face because my father did. The same to being strangled, being humiliated and controlled in general and so many other things. I am totally aware of it. I even have tried to change my ways. John and I have tried what we think might come close to normal sex, but it did not work! First of all, none of us got as aroused as we use to get, and when we talked about it later, we both confessed that we thought about pain and humilitation to get some satisfaction at any rate. I thought it was sad that cuddling, kissing and having intercourse was not enough. Perhaps I have not tried hard enough, I don’t know. When I’m horny, I want to experience things I like and that satisfy me and not force myself to feel aroused if any. All my kinky thoughts are connected to BDSM. On the other hand, I have become a very cuddly guy and like to be near John, kiss him, pet him without trying to arouse us. But as soon as I feel the slightest sensation of lust, it is connected to pain and humiliation.

My therapist said, it is an addiction and I could learn to let it go step by step to do myself good. But when he says so, I feel like he wants to extract something very precious and important from my life and from me as a person. That makes me feel helpless, ashamed and angry. And it makes me mad that he recommends dropping BDSM to me, while on the other hand everyone else seems to embrace it. I can’t cout how often I have been asked if I had read 50 Shades Of Grey! I have not, by the way, because after all I have heard of it, it’s more like mainstream kind of BDSM and heterosexual anyway, so why would I?

Each time I claim to enjoy what we do, my therapist would ask me whether I really do or whether I just think I do. That’s an odd question. I have tried normal sex and did not like it. Should I push myself to practise it, until I can bear it, because I think of BDSM while John’s petting me quite bored? Should I destroy what I regard as the most fulfilling and gorgeous way of living and fucking just because it has self-destructive potential? That would just be camouflage as all others aspects of my life would stay the same, and they are all connected to what my father did. I know I’d be another person if I had grown up in a normal family without being abused. I could have a normal job, I could cope with many things ways better. But I have grown up under these threatening circumstances and I can’t change it. I don’t want BDSM to be taken from me, because I’d still be that masochistic, submissive man I am.

To me, BDSM is deeply connected with feeling safe and knowing my place in this world. I know I can rely on John and I trust him. I regard the bruises on my body as lovemarks and signs of possession. I am His.

2 thoughts on “BDSM And Self-Injury

  1. mondfeuer says:

    Ok, im not into BDSM, but, a friend of mine is, and she told me, its like being straight, gay or bisexual, its nothing you choose, its something that is in this way or not.
    I´m able to understand what your therapist thinks about it and thought it often by myself about varius things until i had the chance to hear about it from people who are in this topic.
    Do what makes you happy. The fact that he is a therapist does not mean that he is right in his way of thinking and viewing.

    Maybe it is an addiction, maybe the only reason you feel this way and want it this way is because your father was a ….i dont have enough words that can describe my thinking of him and other people like him…and did this to you.

    You are Blaubeermann, you and your husband John know what you like and dislike, you take care of each other. Where´s the Problem?

    Do more of what makes you happy😉

    (Sorry for my clumsy english, i dont write or speak often, therefor i´ve lack of practice)

    • Blaubeermann says:

      Du kannst auch auf Deutsch schreiben, für mich ist es einfacher, über diese Sachen auf Englisch zu reden.
      Ich habe noch nie gedacht, dass BDSM eine unbeeinflussbare Neigung ist, aber deine Freundin könnte Recht haben. Das könnte erklären, warum wir nicht davon ablassen können.
      In der Sexualität habe ich noch nicht gelernt, meine Grenzen zu 100% einzuhalten, weil ich viel mehr zulassen würde, als innerhalb der Grenzen wäre. Ich kann es auch manchmal fühlen, dass es von Lust zu Aggression verändert wird und ich dann nur noch den Schmerz suche, als eine Art von Bestrafung für mein Dasein. Darum verstehe ich meinen Therapeuten auch, dass er sich Sorgen macht. Er findet es nicht gut, dass ich mich körperlich und psychisch so stark benutzen lasse. Er sagt, ich reinszeniere, was ich erlebt habe. Ich kann es trotzdem nicht lassen.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s