I don’t remember whether I have written about it before or not, but anyway. I like to feel phyical boundaries. Not in the sense of being exhausted by sports, but in the sense of being tied or gagged and so on. My father used handcuffs on me, he tied me to the bed for days, gagged me, put a plastic bag over my head and retained it with a rubber, constricted me with straps and so on. That’s the origin of this fetish. Like so many other things I’m into, it all started with him, and I can’t help it.
I knew I liked being tied under what I’d call “safe conditions” when I still lived with him. I guess, I was about 12 years old when I first wrapped my blanket very tightly around me, tucking it under my body and ensuring I could not really move. Being enclosed brought two different sensations, and it still does. On the one hand, I feel safe and comforted, on the other hand it might feel lustful. It does not always. So when my father hog-tied me again, I felt strange, because I had liked it when I did it to myself, and I hated it when he did. Today I know that there’s a big difference between doing things consensual and being abused, of course.
When I lived on the street with Julian, I began to understand that being enclosed, even being tied by someone I trust (more or less, but that’s a horse of another colour) can help me getting through certain stages of mental stress. There are times when words no longer reach me, but that strong physical impact of being enclosed or even tied gets through to me.
Later, when I was in the mental hospital, a doctor explained to me that being enclosed is one of the first impressions a child gets when he’s still inside his mother’s womb. Young children tend to move to one corner of their beds when being placed in the middle, because they need to feel boundaries. So, possibly feeling boundaries reminds me of that early experience, but I can’t tell.
When John started to tie me, it took a lot of courage to surrender myself to him. He promised to take care of me, and he did everytime. Nowadays, I know I can trust him, and being tied does no longer make me feel uncomforable. I’m able to relax when I’m tied. Being tied still bears these two aspects of security and lust and sometimes they mingle.
Allowing myself to live out my female part as Gina/Ginny is connected with a lot of insecurity and axiousness. It’s a part of me I have always realized, but I prevented it from coming too close to the surface. So I guess it’s no surprise that living it out feels exciting and strange as well. To my amazement allowing myself to be Gina/Ginny has a spiritual aspect, too. And that again is connected with the need and the wish to feel secure. I sometimes had a hard time opening up for Lord Shiva and all the experiences he allowed me to make, so that I would come to John and ask him to hold me tight or…well, to tie me down.
I can’t really tell why sometimes being tied feels horny and sometimes not. Of course it’s got something to do with what else happens, you know, but even if I feel horny, being tied down might calm the desire, and on the other hand it might make me horny if I had not been before. I don’t know. But being tied and gagged is an essential part of my personality, not only of my desire, I think.
Yesterday when John came home from the office, we had our daily routine, but he told me that he had bought a surprise for me I’d get later that evening. Of course I was curious about it 🙂 We had dinner, then John slumped on the couch and had me kneeling in front of him. But before I could start anything serious, he took out what he had bought for me: a dog collar made of thick black leather. It’s got a D-ring on the front. I felt strange when he asked whether he might put it around my neck, but nodded. It was very soft and comfortable, and yesterday it made me feel centered and relaxed. I don’t know if I can repeat everything he told me, but he said that he bought it as a loving gift, because he knows sometimes I need to feel boundaries to feel at ease. He told me that he did not buy it to make me feel humiliated (and I guess there are a millions ways he knows to make me really feel humiliated) or like a dog or so, but because he hopes wearing it makes me feel owned and held and helps me know my place. He said each time I might feel insecure and out of control, I may put it on and remember that I am loved. Ugh. His words brought me to the verge of tears, because I thought that this was so cute. I thanked him very much, but then he smiled and added that he had bought something else. He took out a small black bag made of velvet. I opened it and found a heart-shaped, red badge on which it says “Gina”. Ugh! He smiled and put it on the D-ring where it hung with a gentle jingle. He looked at me to see how I’d react. My heart was pounding, but it felt so good. Again I thanked him. He took out his mobile phone and made a photo of me, then told me to come into his arms.
Later he told me that he did not buy a leash and emphasized that he did not buy the collar to make me feel like a dog. I presume it was time to put on a real collar and not just regarding my wedding ring as one… That was so darn cute.
And nonetheless I’ve got a short amazing video for you about being tied very, very hard: http://trikoot.tumblr.com/post/96282258392/first-test-run-of-the-popper-delivery-system-on-my