(This is part of my mail to John.)
(…) So, I’m probably a little sentimental today 🙂 And that’s why I thought of us being spart for the first time. You had to go to Boston for 12 days and I was so insecure about it. You had never left a doubt about the fact that you’d fuck who ever you’d like to, and although you did not demand it from me, I knew I’d only miss you like I’ve never missed anyone before, being unable to even think of meeting someone else. When you called, you sometimes told me that you’ve been out, leaving it unclear wheter or not you had been together with another man. And I did not ask. I thought, we had assured each other that we’d be ok with it, so I was not to feel jealous, although I was. I did not want to share you, but feared you might leave me if I told you so. You had told me, you’d need your freedom and that you were used to do whatever you’d like to since A was gone. How was I to contradict?
When you returned to Germany, I felt sore. I was confused by my feelings and I dead sure did not know how to talk to you about them. (…) I was so insecure when you finally stood in front of me that I did not know what to say or do. I just thought, you probably had expected another kind of reunion. I was relieved you took the initiative, and I did not object when you kissed me. I felt like melting wax, really, like ever before. I knew it was stupid, but I asked myself whether I’d taste if you had kissed someone else.
(…) Of course you knew something was wrong with me and afterwards, you questioned me. It did not make me feel comfortable, you know, but I finally told you. You just watched be and smiled mildly, then gently nodded your head. “There would have been chances, you know, but there was just that guy in my mind I had left here”. I had to cry.
(…) I can’t wait until this evening, until you return home. I imagine you coming through the door, and I know all tension will fall off from me. Love ya, honey. Glad we finally figured it out.