The past ten days have been tempting. Without help from W, S and C I would not have been able to perform that well. I’m still not used to being alone and sitting home alone at night makes me feel weird. I listen to every crack of the beams and wonder if it might be a housebreaker or, even worse, some kind of monster lurching in the dark. I even could not resist looking into the wardrobe before going to bed. That’s embarrassing, I know, being at my age and still behaving like a child.
But that’s not exactly what I wanted to write about. I wanted to share my thoughts about Kali. I guess no one ever can work with Lord Shiva without getting in contact with Kali either. To be honest, in general I don’t have much contact to female goddesses, not even to Lady Parvati, although I recognize her as a shiny, friendly and warm energy at Lord Shiva’s side (but I know Lady Parvati can do other!). Even though I myself have a lot of that “female”, receiving, passive energy (Yin or whatever you want to call it), I’m always drawn to the male energy. And that’s the point where I don’t come to terms with Kali. Although she is female, she sometimes is named as the female or counterpart of Lord Shiva. But to be honest, in their relationship I see Lord Shiva as the more passive and “female” part, as Kali turns out to be quite aggressive and rude, which usually is associated to male energy. I never had to deal with female aggression (let alone some conflicts with my friends S and C, but these conflicts were more verbal than physical), so that confuses me quite a bit. To be honest, I think it’s repellent and nasty. W says, whatever I find abhorrent is worth a closer look, and I really want to, but I can’t see anything. Whenever I try to look closer at these destructive energies of Kali, I just see or feel nothing. She just bewilders me. It’s not even that I fear her or think she should not behave the way she does. It’s only that I don’t come to terms with her.
I tried to make friends with Kali, but she does not seem to want to have friends. Whatever oblation I give to her, it’s wilted or even mildewed within a couple of hours. That only happened once with a piece of cake I gave to Lord Shiva during midsummer! Or it feels like a clear “I don’t want that, put it away!”, if I put something for Kali on the altar. Well, it’s ok not to be friends with someone who obviously does not want it, but I’m confused by such behaviour.