On this weekend it’s been 16 days without orgasm, even without T&D, and I was a bit needy. Master decided we’d visit a gay club, and I did not even dare hoping for more. The Birdlock stayed on, but I did not reckon with being used by…I don’t know, perhaps 13 men or more. It was wicked and I savoured every single minute of it. Master just stepped back and watched me serving and being fucked. Later, Love and I sat in the yakuzi and I had to laugh about our attempts of being content with just the two of us so hard that tears were flowing. Oh boy. When we arrived home, Master put the collar around my neck and I slept with it. I need to get used to it, but it was good feeling it strong and stable around my neck.

We’ll be heading off for holidays by the end of May, so I already started the preparations. I know I’m a bit neurotic about it, but I hate it not to have enough time to wash the clothes I want to take with me and so on. I have a list with everything I want to have done before we start. We’re going to lake Wolfgang in Austria for 5 days, because John wants to spend some time in nature, hiking and just relaxing his mind. Before travelling home again, we’ll meet Leo in Switzerland for 3 days. I can’t wait to see him again.

John and I had a serious chat about holidays lately. He said there are a few places he wants to visit before he gets to old, and some places he wants to see again. When he told me about the places he had in mind (like Niagara falls, Thailand, Japan, Australia and so on), I had to swallow. I know that he’d be travelling more if I was not that afraid of it. I guess I have learned that I can rely on John in every case and that as long as he is with me, it’s ok not to be at home. But when I think of being so far away from home, I still feel insecure. I think I’ll have to take courage. To be honest, I’m afraid that John might get mad with me if I don’t. His job is very demanding and he already uttered that he “envies” colleagues and employees who are travelling more than him. Ugh. In July, he’ll have a three week holiday and wants to go to the south of France then. I’m anxious about it. It might be very hot and I don’t know if I can withstand snobs and so. It’s always that these things show me where I come from. It’s not grown normal to me. I don’t know. It makes me feel small and useless and like all the nasty things people have already said about me are true, like I let John be my Dom to get a part of his money. These things make me feel worthless and dirty in a very bad way. I know I’m no man of importance or meaning and I still wonder what this amazing man sees in me. I know that if I’d dive deeper into these thoughts, I might break up with him, just because I know I’m not able to hold a candle on him.

Hm, so finally my posting has made me sad 😦


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