Glad To Be Me

Yesterday I went to visit W and again we made a ritual for Lord Shiva and at least three of W’s spiritual “ancestors” (like Lady Maria). After we were finished, we sat in his garden, drinking homemade lemonade and talking about this and that. I know W sometimes takes a peep into this blog, but he’s far from reading it regularly, and so he was a bit surprised to find out about Gina/Ginny. It took me all my courage to tell him, but as he’s not judging and likes some things, you know, a bit remote, it was ok, I guess.

He was interested and asked me a lot of fascinating questions, for example whether I don’t like to be a man. Uhm. To be honest, I have never pondered on that question before John came along with the idea of me wearing a lace panty. I’m only aware of the fact that I quite like men in women’s lingerie, especially cocks in see-through panties, but on the other hand I’m really into a lot of stuff that’s gay to the core. Like poppers or beefy guys or so. I don’t feel like a woman, but I feel passive and vulnerable most times, and if you want to call that female characteristics, then I have a lot of them. I have never felt the urge to live as a woman and I’m sure I have no idea of what women think or feel innermostly.

Switching roles from Blaubeermann to Gina/Ginny feel ticklish and exciting, and in that female role I can experience feelings, behaviours and possibilities I can’t experience as Blaubeermann. Or at least I think so. But I’m fully aware of the fact that Gina/Ginny is a role. It’s not me like Blaubeermann, if that sounds reasonable.

To be honest, my brain gets nuts when I think about it in detail LOL I’m convinced that I have quite a good understanding of who I am, and that’s Blaubeermann. Being Gina/Ginny is like a roleplay to me, quite the same as being a little boy put into diapers. It’s all part of my (sexual) experience, but all in all Blaubeermann is my real personality.

W also asked me if Gina/Ginny feels in another way for John than Blaubeermann does. Well, I guess so. When I’m Gina, I regard John as my owner with whom I can fornicate in a very dirty way, but always more like a whore/slut with her Master than like Blaubeermann and his husband. To be honest, I regard myself a bit like a she-dog or a “Pferdchen” as John calls it when I’m Gina. Like I need to be broken in, obeying without hesitating, being dirty and slutty and all. When I’m Ginny, I see him as my male-husband and myself as his female-wife. I like it if he calls from work and tells me to dress up and put make up on, and when he brings me flowers and behaves politely and like a gentleman to me. It may change in a second, if we’re both in the mood, but it does not always.

When I’m Gina or Ginny, my body language changes. Even the words I use and my tone change. I get a bit gurlish, you know, perhaps even swishy. I’m shy being a gurl, but I’m also into a role that allows behaviour I usually do not have as Blaubeermann. Being swishy is a bit dangerous, depending on your environment. Being with John, I feel invulnerable, even if I know that’s only an illusion.

Yeah, but all in all I’m a man and I like being a man. I savour being a gurl, but each and every time I like to see my face without make up again and my body clad in good old jeans and shirts.

W alluded to the fact that there are a lot of male Gods who sometimes dress up as female. I want to find out more about it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s