After my not too good therapeutic session, I got a bit out of line. That was one of the occasions that make it clear to me that I’m far from mental health, because sometimes when I’m confronted with my past, I can’t seem to find back to the present. I have learned some strategies that might help (like running or mopping the floor), but sometimes they just do not. On Thursday, I really felt sick and so I put on my cuffs and my new collar. These things help, beause they make me feel held and secured, and therefore secure. But I had a hard time at work on Friday and Saturday. There was a lot to do due to the weather and I had problems getting all my tasks done. When I returned home on Saturday, I was shaky and tired. Although John and I had a hiking date, I just wanted to sleep, and so he let me and met with A instead. But that made me feel even worse because I had not kept my promise and because I know that he really savours getting out on the weekends. Sigh.
When I woke up on late Saturday afternoon, I really tried to rearrange myself. I got up, took a long shower, washed my hair and prepared dinner. When Love came home and we had finished the meal, I was still disturbed. There’s no way hiding my emotions from John, he just knows me too well. So when I finally crawled up inside his arms, still wearing the cuffs and the the collar, he tried to talk it over. You know, he knows it all. He even knows things I did not tell to all the doctors and therapists. but sometimes even he has difficulties getting through to me. It’s like I’m present and not at the same time, like a part of me has gone. Sigh again.
After a while, he began cuddling and kissing me, but I guess I have not been as responding as usually. So he just said “I see, we need something stronger”. Well, and that’s what I got. I spend the evening and most of the night mummified and nearly unable to move, concentrating on my breath and my Master’s voice.
Today, I’m feeling better. I still wear the cuffs and the collar, and I’m glad Love lets me. I need to feel this, tight and safely secured. I was curious and asked John about how it is to have me freaking out sometimes. He just smiled and kissed me. I guess that’s a good sign.