I Am Sorry.

Again, my brother and I had a serious conversation about this blog.

I did not mean to harm or disgust anybody. I am really sorry.

Sometimes I tend to forget that most people don’t experience and don’t like what I did/do and that I should talk about it only with my therapist or my partner.

I will try to cut down entries about sexual preferences and abuse.

I am sorry.


4 thoughts on “I Am Sorry.

  1. mondfeuer says:

    Maybe i repeat what i say early:

    This is your blog and you can write about what you want!
    Nobody got the right to say what is allowed and what is not.
    When writing about your past is helpful for you, then write it down, when it is helpful to survive the things you must carry in your soul and mind, then do it.
    Whiever didnt want to read this should dont klick to your blog.
    Dont be sorry about things that will make your life, your pain and your suffering much easier!

    Here are things posted i didnt want to read, because bdsm is not my subject, but everething else is helpful for me to read, sometimes it eases my own pain and suffering, it helps me sometimes to understand myself, to see that i am not alone, to see there are other poor souls that have to suffer and that there is a way.

    best wishes

    • blaubeermann says:

      Thank you, you’re welcome. I appreciate your words very much, but nonetheless I know I have difficulties understanding when I should stop due to my emotional disability. When I’m writing down what pops up in my mind, I tend to believe that as there exist so many explicit pictures in the internet, it does not matter if I publish an explicit entry.

      John made it clear again that he’s ok with anything I publish and I know he’d be ok with even pushing the frontier forward and showing pictures of us. But I really want to consider my brother’s objections. As you say, BDSM is not for anyone, but I’m so involved into that lifestyle that I disregard or do not even see a borderline between what is to be published and what I should keep to myself.

      To be honest, I don’t want to stop writing about these things, but these discussions with my brother make me aware of my emotional disability again and help me keeping in mind that words can harm people. W suggested I might add a warning about triggering content on my blog and perhaps that’ll do.

      Today, I’m glad I did not reset my blog, but I want to make it clear that I really do not want to hurt folks.

      Moreover, my brother said he’d regard it as a kind of self degradation to write about what I let do to myself, and I guess he’s right there. I really tend to degrade myself and that’s because of the abuse. I have a hard time making him understand that (self)degradation is an essential part not only of my sexual desire but of my personality as well. I myself think it’s ok as long as I do not lose myself. But I need to keep being aware of that fact that it’s only a small ridge. I guess it’s not graspable for him and for many others why on earth I should want to accept so many degrading things and words. I can only keep telling that I need this and it helps me knowing my place. It’s a place not everybody would want to be at, but I want to. I need to, at least.

      Thanks again, Mo.

      • mondfeuer says:

        Yes, it´s your way to be safe, centered and knowing your place.
        Sometimes i think, that all things i do, which hurt myself in one or another way are bad ways, but i need them to be centered, to feel who and where i am.
        When i avoid doing this, the pressure is so intense that i felt like bursting and got meltdowns, fall in deep holes of darkness and pain and solitude.

        A trigger warning is a good way, maybe also an nsfw sign. Some stories and Pictures are tooo hot for work^^ im not in bdsm, but some things make me feel horny and the links to tumblr are mostly not secure for work or when kids around^^ like much of the stuff from tumblr *lol*

        There are for sure things on this blog, like words and memorys postet that can harm in one way or another, especially to your brother, but nobody forces your brother or other people to read them.

        Blog like hell!

  2. blaubeermann says:

    Well, same here. Not giving in to it builds up so much pressure that I think I’d burst or hurt myself in a very drastic way. I don’t want that, but it’s sometimes really hard to admit to myself (and others) that I need a certain amount of pain and degradation the feel good. I know it’s insane, but I can’t help it anyway, so I guess it’s better to do it in a safe environment with John who always stays in control than to freak out if I’m alone.

    Thanks a lot for indicating installing a NSFW button. I’ve just done that in my side description.

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