On the weekend, I met W and again we made a ritual for Papa Legba and Lord Shiva. I don’t know why, but these both go together well, I presume. Both seem to have something spare for humans and seem to be willing to teach us, although I’m not really able to get in touch with Legba. Although W is always very generous with explanations about Voodoo and his adaptions, it’s still a bit strange to me. Even more than in Hinduism, the gods of Voodoo appear picky to me. Every gesture matters. I myself have done a lot wrong in connection with Lord Shiva, at least according to the books, but he has never been mad with me because I placed a wrong flower on his altar or pronounced a Sanskrit word in a wrong way. Legba does not seem that uncomplicated to me. He sometimes becomes mad very quickly, and that makes him not appear as stable and “nice” as I’d need it.
At the moment I am working with the destructive incorporation of Lord Shiva, which actually feels a bit weird, because I feel it’s not a “bad” part, but a very worthy thing. If there was not destruction, nothing would ever fade or rot, so that we’d end up in a very overcrowded world with a lot of waste. It’s quite new to me to honour this destructive part as an essential and important part of life. Usually I tend to hold on to things and conditions, even if they have lost their use or meaning long ago, just beause I’m used to them. I tend to hoard, even if I’m a maniac de-clutterist. Uhm, that’s not a contradiction🙂
Lord Shiva’s destructive incorporation may be seen as Kali. She is honoured as the mother who gives life and takes it again. She is wild and greedy and it took me by surprise that so many people even see a mother in her, but I guess I have certain prejudices about mothers in general, you know, like how they should behave and be. I’m not able to get in touch with Kali on a deeper level, so I tend to leave her something on Lord Shiva’s altar every now and then, but most times it seems she dismisses what I offer.
Some months ago, W advised me to drop my efforts concerning Kali and rather try to find that destructive, eating side of Lord Shiva. He said it might be that by doing so I’d finally find her, too, but I have not managed yet. Anyway, I have tried to get in touch with Lord Shiva’s destructive side, which to me appears as a fourious, golden dancer, which skin is anointed with blood. When he dances, he is all by himself, all absorbed and highly concentrating, but on a kind of spiritual level. He taught me that getting absorbed by things that really matter so oneself, one creates a sort of destruction. I liked that term “create destruction”! That’s because when you’re focussing on one thing, other things escape your attention and develop in a chaotic, creative way by themselves, or fall apart. But from whatever has fallen apart, there might arise new creation, like plants being turned into soil and providing new ground. I know these thoughts are not surprisingly new, but I presume it was the first time I understood this process at heart.
Lord Shiva in his destructive incorporation told me to pay attention to the destruction I create, and I did. I found it everywhere: when eating, cleaning up, showering, even when breathing. It was strange to feel this certain power I have about life and death, because it was the first time in my life that I was aware of destroying others (even bacteria). To be honest, thinking about my destructive side or my power to create destruction made me feel very uncomfortable, because I really do not want to have any mastery over whatever. When I wanted to discuss that with Lord Shiva, he just told me that’s one of my major problems and that I should really take my place, which actually means acception even of this power of destruction. Not easy at all! I guess my concerns are connected with the feeling of helplessness and worthlessness. I’d easier adapt to the thought that I’m not even worth breathing than that I am allowed to destroy the life of a bacterium. I’m best at destroying myself, I think.
That’s the point where Lord Shiva and John somehow mingle. They both try to empower me and help me taking my place, but it feels a bit weird if your God and your husband, who don’t even have contact with each other, work together that well🙂
The symbol of the destructive incorporation of Lord Shiva as I experience it is the egg or rather the broken/breaking egg. So when W and I made our ritual, I gave a goose egg to Lord Shiva. We left it on the garden altar and while we were sitting on W’s porch, drinking tea, we saw a black cat licking it up. Well, that sent a shiver down by spine.
Task given by Lord Shiva: celebrate destruction. I don’t know what to make out of that.