Not Judging Others (And Myself)

When I was a kid, I heard our priest talk about not judging others in order not to be judged and I thought it was bullshit. I was faced with a lot of judgemental opinions, not only by my father but by most of the people around me. I grew up believing I’m scum and uncapable. “Not worth the air you are breathing”. Of course being faced with this rating of myself made me break down when I still was a kid. I could not cope with this image of self I was provided with and as fighting it just led nowhere, I gave in to it. Even worse, I started to believe in all the things they said about me and did the preliminary work for them. If someone tried to be kind to me, I said or did nasty things to push them away. I remember being at a classmate’s and his mother pouring some lemonade for me. I never ever got lemonade at home and could not wait to drink it, but instead of just waiting her to finish, thank her and enjoy it, it pushed away the glass so that the sticky lemonade was spilled all over the kitchen counter. As a result, I have never been invited again. Why did I do so? I still don’t know. Perhaps I was anxious she might laugh at my hopes and take away the lemonade, or I was angry because my classmate had a mother pouring lemonade, or perhaps I maybe WAS scum. I don’t know, but I’m still sorry about that.

This episode just came back into my mind when John and I were sitting in a small beer garden last week. I thought how strange it still feels to be able to choose from so many options (here: the whole menu, but I guess that’s the same for most anything), and how used I have gotten to that on the other hand. I don’t take it for granted and I still need John to reassure me to choose what I like and spend money for these things. I know people judge us. I know many of them think I’m just John’s lover, just a sort of adventure while his wife is not around. Sometimes this thought is exciting, but to be honest, most times it is not. Sometimes I get weary being regarded as a toy he will throw away if it no longer excites him, even more as I fear he might do that. That’s when I know I’m not done with what I thought of myself as a kid. I still believe I’m not worth the air that I breathe.

I really try not to be judgemental towards others. There are so many examples I could tell to prove. Like the old lady I serve at work and who treats me like an idiot and always wears that knowing smile in her face as if she knew something about me. I guess she feels good having that “power” over an idiot like me, like, you know, if I would not be an idiot, then why would I work there, where all the idiots work? I try to be polite and tread her with respect, even though it’s hard. I keep telling myself I don’t know why she’s so harsh. Perhaps she has been insulted by someone I remind her of, but still she deserves to be treated like a good human being. John can’t understand why I’m that patient with her or people like her. He demands respect. He might ask for it once, but surely not twice before giving you a chewing out. I’m none of that kind, and perhaps that’s still because I think I’m more or less wortless. I can raise my worth when serving others and serving them well. I guess that’s sort of my sense of life.

So, why do I write about all of that today? I don’t know. I guess I’m slowly slipping into the next state of being kept in chastity, which I think is acceptance. It is always deeply connected with these thoughts about my value, my place in life and in our relationship. Being kept in chastity for so long now makes me humble and permeable. I wish he’d just milk me…

4 thoughts on “Not Judging Others (And Myself)

  1. mondfeuer says:

    Oh fuck, i know this feeling, these thoughts and that believing in these words….it´s a long and hard way out….there is every time a little voice that reminds me of being a dirty little bastard, ungrateful, bad behaving and only disturbing the peace and love of the family…i was never part of this family…although i live with them for 14 years….but i was only called by my last name or by an “nickname”….more a term of abuse….

    You are a person who survived, who is stronger than anything that happens to you!
    You are a beautiful being, able to love, to serve. You know the feeling of having nothing, of thirst, hunger, the need of love and a warm hug, a kind word and more. Therefore you may not able to refuse these things, cause you are a emphatic soul. You feel the little feelings, the needs and things like that.

    At least this is what it does to me and makes me behave in this way.
    But i, for myself, my sanity and my wholeness i haved to learn more selfish, not in a bad way, just in a way that protects me, keeps me safe and stable.

    Sometimes i´m on the way to became a big bitch to protect myself, sometimes i am kind and respectful in a way the people dont deserve, but this makes me feel better than those people and give me peace.

    You are a survivor!

    What´s the point of my posting?
    Well, i dont know it, i had the feeling this is necessary to say. For me and maybe for you.

    brightest blessings
    Mo

    • blaubeermann says:

      Hi Mo, thanks a lot for your kind comment. Just a quick response before I’m off for bed. I’m really sorry to hear about the bad situation you survived in your family. May I ask where they send you to when you were 14? I have not been called by my name, too. My father used to call me names like “Bastard”, but that was one of the nicest things, you know. Being called this way causes so much pain which is carved deeply into the soul.
      I myself am not really able to regard myself as a beautiful being, but I understand that my point of view is not neccessarily true for everybody. I’m trying to accept that John loves me, and in fact I guess he’d still love me if I’d not be that obedient…
      To be honest, I have not really learnt demanding respect from others. I would not know what to say to people who are disrespectful. I fear I might make an idiot out of myself, so I keep quiet. Sometimes these feelings I keep inside lead to self-harm. It’s been a long time now I do not cut anymore, but there are other ways to harm oneself. Each time I do it, I hate it, and I manage to ask John for physical pain instead, but in the end it’s just a surrogate for what I’d do to myself. That’s why I’m sometimes that much in doubt about me being a sub, you know.
      All the best!

      • mondfeuer says:

        Hey,
        Oh, they dont send me away, you know, my english is not trained enough…
        My mother married a new man when i was 4 years old and moved in his house.
        Before that, there is a lot bad happend to me, but then, my tortures began to grow more and more.
        When i was 18 i moved in my own appartment, therefore the 14 years.
        Yes, called by a name, or a really nice nickname like it´s today is sometimes still creepy to me, though it is today usually. When i was in my first relationship, the one which i married, get 2 sons and divorced after 11 years (yes! happy divorced^^) she tend to give me some nice nicknames, but mostly it feels strange called by a lovely name instead of a insult.
        Sometimes to be insulted is more comfortable to me than to called in a nice way….its very deep carved in my soul, you sayed it.
        Your point of view is influenced by all the things that are deep in your, body, mind and soul.
        A few years ago, i was a period of time at a lokal healer. She did make “Craniosakrale-Ostheopathie” (i dont know how it is called in english) and this transforms a lot of things in my body and my mind. Also the thinking about me and my subjects.
        Maybe this may helpful for you too.
        Everey insult, every pain that is driven into you and every abuse is stored in your body as well as in your mind, and this method is to release it and makes you free from it. (oh man….my english today is a bit like a broken wheel….it goes, but not really flowing round^^, my best friend teaches me english throug conversation and says that there is a lack of finesse…i think my english is like a drunken rednek on crack)
        First, you have to respect yourself. You cant demanding respect from others if you dont respect yourself.
        You have rights too? Did you know that?
        You may love to be a sub, thats Ok, that is you and your favor, but being a sub means, when im correct, that you and John play this game, live this life to these rules, nobody outside this relationship have the persmission to treat you this way!
        The feeling of making myself to an idiot when people are disrespectful is also often inside my head, but fuck off…wherever want´s to fuck me have had to pay!
        Know what i mean?
        I trained it, first at frinds, then to others, last to everybody. No one got the right to treat me like scum. Its bad enough that i treat myself like that.
        My spirits told me to draw, to make my feelings a way out of myself. This may help, i dont know, i didnt tried it….*cough*
        Wishing you to find a way to love yourself the way john loves you!
        (sorry for the fucked up grammar)

  2. blaubeermann says:

    Sorry for getting you wrong. I had to stay at my father’s until I was 21, interrupted only by many run aways, because I thought being out on the street was better than being with him. But good for you, you could move into your own appartment at age 18!
    I have a bit of a problem with nicknames in German, too, but I like being called by English nicknames like honey or precious or so. All in all, I have developed an aversion for the German language. Many words are triggers for me and I avoid them by talking and writing in English.
    I guess it would be “craniosacral therapy” or “osteopathy”. I have not tried either of them, anyway, because I have problems with accepting others to touch me in a non-sexual way, you know. During my Yoga classes, we sometimes have practises which are supposed to transform our perception of the past as well, but sometimes they are hard to take. To be honest, I don’t know if I would change my past. It was really ugly, but I am used to it. I am used to feel this certain way about myself and I guess I don’t have the courage to change it. It would affect anything and I don’t know if I could bear that. I’m a coward.
    I don’t know if me being sub is reserved for John only. I tend to see myself as submissive thoroughtly, you know, not only in a sexual way, but as a way of life. Hard to explain. I fear confronting people or being insolent, and as I’m not convinced of my right to demand respect, I use to leave it be.
    Don’t worry about your English. I appreciate your efforts. Thanks a lot.

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