Put Your Trigger On My Finger

Taking a break from my daily chores, drinking a cup of tea and thinking over a few things.

Last night I had a dream that somehow scares and somehow calms me. Due to a bend in our solar system, scientists announced Uranus was going to crash into the earth. Most people got anxious, but I was totally calm and thought “well, let’s wait and see. Hope dies last”. I followed a blog in which a woman wrote down articles about how she prepared for her death and Uranus crashing down. At some point of time, scientist said that they had calculated it over and over again and that there was no hope Uranus might miss the earth. I went outside and saw the bend in the universe, but it did not scare me, I just gazed in silence and bewilderment at the beauty above: moving stars and nebulae and Uranus approaching. It was very quick and soon became bigger and bigger. When it hit earth, all lights faded, but I was peaceful and content. I thought “that did not hurt…such a good way to die!”, and then I thought “Wait! I have no more brain, so how am I able to think this?!”. Then I woke up and my heart was beating like it wanted to escape from my chest. I don’t know what this dream wants to tell me. Do you have any ideas?

The other thing…well, yesterday evening, when I already wanted to be in bed, I stumbled upon a video. I will post the link at the end of this posting, but I have to tell you, it might be a trigger. If you have problems with physical and even more psychological violence, do not watch it.

This video is probably the worst and most kinky thing I have watched for a long time. It was originally posted on a blog connected with the superiority of men over women. I want to explain why I sometimes visit that blog. I don’t believe in men’s supremacy in general. Not at all. But to be honest, I don’t strive for equal status for myself. I completely embrace my inferiority and I believe I’m at my best when I’m kept under control of an Alpha Male. I would never generalize that or believe this concept might work for others as well. It’s just the answer to my personal needs and beliefs. So it’s quite manifest why I visit such tumblrs. Even if they most times picture women serving men, they speak to me, but each and every time I see myself in the inferiour role. I guess I have managed to install a kind of life that allows to live out my fantasies on a high level, but I would go further. Way further. If it would be possible, I would drop my civial rights and hand myself over to John, just to be his property. A thing he can use. Having said that, I suppose it’s quite clear why tumblrs connected with (sexual) slavery, patriarchal structures of relationships and so on not only turn me on but really satisfy a need in me. I have written about my inner conflicts concerning what I should feel and what I really feel before, and I still feel very bad about it. Of course I’m glad we live in a more or less liberal society, but I would thankfully wave goodbye to my social rights if I could be a slave. Ironically, that’s not a mere fantasy, as I have been brought up to be a slave. So again I have to say that what my father did to me made me who I am. Sad but true.

I have many kinks and I know I’m hypersexual. I’m really trying to be not, but I am! I usually regard sexual fantasies as what they are, but that’s the point. It’s nice living out a fantasy, but I like it better if there’s

Oh my, please forgive me.

I like it better if there’s real abuse. You can fake a hit or you can make it, you know. You can fake inflicting pain on a sub, or you can really hurt him. You can fake being a Dom or you can embrace your power over your sub and really use him, letting him feel he’s your possession and nothing without you. Of course all this should take place between two adults who do it safe, sane and consensual. Uhm, at least consensual.

John and I have tried so many roleplays about this imbalance of power we’re both into, but to be honest, nothing gets me as wet as this Dad-son-thing. I know it’s just a stupid reenactment of what I have made through during my childhood, but I crave it. I need it. I crave it even more if he inflicts this psychological violence on me, you know, like more or less what my father did. That’s why this damn video speaks to me that way. Slapping her and still demanding from her to smile and say thank you. And at the end of the video this forced french kissing. Oh boy, remembering anything… I don’t really see a woman in this vid, I see myself, my younger self. Living under the threat of being castrated when not being nice enough, being mocked for my arousal and being cruelly seduced by my body’s response to what he did and which was gross and exciting at the same time. Moreover, the man in the video is as talkative as my father was, just in the same tone. Nice and understanding and very cruel at the same time.

I don’t know what to make of it. Feel like a bad person and trying to clean the house as I’m obviously not able to clean my soul😦

http://motherless.com/2039F05 (TRIGGER WARNING)

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