I’m just back home from work and want to write a bit, before John and I are off to meet W and M. They have invited some friends to come over for one of their famous barbecues (which used to be W’s famous barbecues before he met M). It’s a bit chilly today, but I guess curling up inside a sweater and in John’s arms in the near of the fire might help 😉

I feel at ease, even if last night was horrible. At the moment, I need hours to get so sleep, then I wake again every hour or so and have crazy dreams. Last night I dreamt of an old friend of mine I have lost contact with who got hitchhiked by a man dressed up like a magician. He said he’d kill her if I did not bring him money, but I did not take him seriously and just made him leave my friend’s home. Certainly one of my seldom heroic dreams 🙂

In the past few days, I have been thinking about my last entry. I have shown the vid to John and he knew exactly why it gets me going. He shrugged and just said “you need this, you can’t fight it”. Bam. It’s that simple for him. We had countless discussions about needs and affections and when I wanted to know how he deals with being not only dominant but sadistic, he did just the same. Shrugging and saying “I need this, I can’t fight it”. Why did we come to such a different rating of our kinks? The only answer I can think of is that he was thankfully never abused, but on the contrary encouraged to be dominant, get his way and tell everybody else what to do. He got compliments for being a dominant person, I was mocked for being submissive. Perhaps it’s really that easy? Anyway, when he tells me I’m a good person because I’m obedient and hard-working to please him, I blossom. I wish I could overcome my bad conscience for being submissive and masochistic.

Next weekend, Leo will be visiting us. I’m really looking forward to seeing him again. In spring, we all were a little short of time, but I hope, summer will provide us with more meetings.


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