Highly Skilled Idiot

Sometimes I hate myself for not making more out of myself. I’m highly skilled and sell vegetables. That’s poor. But I have never experienced being highly skilled as a good thing. It just made things more complicated. I’ve been rated as arrogant when being bored in maths and rated as an idiot in other lessons. Moreover, having a high IQ did not provide me with the ability to make anything out of it, not to speak of the abuse. Sometimes I see and feel ways too much, sometimes I see and feel nothing at all. Sometimes I don’t even have the slightest idea of what I need or what I want. Most times when I’m to choose from a menu, I ask for an advise like “do you think I’d like this and that? Do I use to like those things?”. For most things it seems I have not figured out yet what I really like. Perhaps they just don’t matter to me, I don’t know. What’s the difference between scrambled and hard boiled eggs? They’re all eggs, right? On the other hand I get insecure and mad about the “wrong” cornflakes, an incidence that has the power to ruin a whole week and my well-arranged mind. Not to speak of events that take place suddenly and unexpected. If there’d ever be a dinosaur showing up in my kitchen, I would not be able to run. I would start a mental discussion about the chance that a dinosaur might walk into my kitchen and then get eaten.

Being highly skilled is not my own merrit. I did not choose to be. It’s just a kind of different brain development to the age of 12. One could monitor being highly skilled if the head would get X-rated. I tend to see that as a mutation, you know, like being one of those X-men, but without any superpowers aside from fucking things up regularly. Being highly skilled and being highly sensitive go together. No wonder things turn out to be too much, too loud, too bad sometimes. If the stress continues, I get numb and autoaggressive. The more stress, the more aggression.

4 thoughts on “Highly Skilled Idiot

  1. mondfeuer says:

    I´m sorry to read that you struggle with the same subjects as i do, but on the other hand it´s always hm…good to see that other people struggle with the same kind of problems.
    Did you ever think about things like autism and asperger?
    There is a women i know through Facebook who is asperger, i talked a lot with her about this and she explains much of her disability to me and i found lots of symptoms on my own and make some (scientivic) tests on the internet…my results are…look here:

    http://aspietests.org/raads/questions.php?show=b583c7df46875&locale=en_GB

    I know the feeling of feeling to much and to less in every part of my life. When it´s too less, sometimes i feel at least nothing by thinking about my sons, when i feel to much, i feel so much that it hurts.
    Every noise, every smell, every thing that could be seen till the edges of my sight is too much, then i only want to shut all things down and out….it´s really horrble sometimes….

    I wish you to find a way to calm down and handle these things.

    • blaubeermann says:

      Yes, Asperger Syndrome was considered by my doctors, but it was not approved. I’m just highly skilled and suffer from depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD, which all in all turns out to have similar effects as Asperger Syndrome. But it’s hard to tell apart! My talent for maths could hint to Asperger Syndrome, but I have no difficulties in understanding people. Most times I know exactly what they want and need, sometines before they know themselves. Dealing with PTSD, I have developed certain beliefs of how things should be organized to keep myself feeling safe, which might be perceived like the usual behaviour of a person with Asperger Syndrome, but it is not.

      The more diagnoses come together, the more important it is to have well-trained psychologists to work with to prevent them from treating you the wrong way, which might cause further damage. About 17 years ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, because I used to cut myself, but that was just crap, because cutting only does not hint to this diagnosis! But I guess 17 years ago there was not as much awareness of mental disorders as today.

      • mondfeuer says:

        Hey,
        Ok, kPTSD, depression and anxiety disorders…i got them too along with a few other diagnosis…
        Understanding peoples….there is nothing that confuses me more than to socialize with people…sometimes i can´t handle communication, don´t understand what a person means when they say something till i have learned what is meant like phrases and so on.
        Well trained psychologists are a rare. My therapist is for me a real treasure, she works more than 20 years with traumatized people and is open minded, wich is good for me.
        Borderline personality is often diagnosed when two or three symptoms link to this disorder….PTSD is sometimes called the little brother of PTSD and is often juxtaposed.
        Sometimes i think that today mental disorders dont get the awernes they should do…
        I suffer from fibromyalgia…there are doctors they say it´s a psychological disorder, and others they say this illness is not really and only imagined (dont know how to discribe…) but there are a few good docs who say its a physical disorder with a big psychological influence. And that is what i think too.

  2. blaubeermann says:

    Fibromyalgia is pain in the ass, I’m really sorry for you. Sometimes I read your blog, so I know a bit about your difficulties with everyday life.

    I suffer from several physical disorders, too, and most of them are the outcome of my mental disorders or what my father did directly to my body, such as asthma, a higher heart rate, hypertension, gastric problems, atopic eczema, headache and so on. These disorders are all summed up with “non-specified health issues”, as there can’t be found any reason for them. Well, that helps *irony* Especially because most of these disorders can’t be cut down by intaking medicine.

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