After the last weekend had been really, really demanding, John invited me to a spa about an hour away from us (in Germany it’s called Therme which actually means they’ve got natural wells there). After attending the sauna, we both just dwelled in that warm, salty water, regarding the stars above. Sooo beautiful. I felt at peace and calm from my innermost heart. These moments are so precious to me. But I know before I am able to experience that, I have to undergo rough treatment to make me feel myself.
I was just wondering, how much pain and degradation is enough? It is said that a wise man knows his limits. I seem to know only a few of mine, such as needles and getting burnt. But since last weekend, I know it crosses my border to have written “failure” on me. Because I believed it and felt like John would abandon me right away. That was no fun at all. After trying to calm me down, I lay beside him, crying my eyes out, and feeling so worthless like with my father. It was then when suddenly I had to cry for someone he had never been, like my dad. It’s weird, but I really miss my dad, an older man to teach and guide me, to look up to. I know John somehow took that role, but it was the first time I wished for a real father. Strange.
Today, looking at the bruises on me, I feel better. I guess water and heat always make it better for me. And seeing John naked. He feels comfortable when naked. I think he is so handsome, I love just looking at him. So in love with him.