Borders And Fathers

After the last weekend had been really, really demanding, John invited me to a spa about an hour away from us (in Germany it’s called Therme which actually means they’ve got natural wells there). After attending the sauna, we both just dwelled in that warm, salty water, regarding the stars above. Sooo beautiful. I felt at peace and calm from my innermost heart. These moments are so precious to me. But I know before I am able to experience that, I have to undergo rough treatment to make me feel myself.

I was just wondering, how much pain and degradation is enough? It is said that a wise man knows his limits. I seem to know only a few of mine, such as needles and getting burnt. But since last weekend, I know it crosses my border to have written “failure” on me. Because I believed it and felt like John would abandon me right away. That was no fun at all. After trying to calm me down, I lay beside him, crying my eyes out, and feeling so worthless like with my father. It was then when suddenly I had to cry for someone he had never been, like my dad. It’s weird, but I really miss my dad, an older man to teach and guide me, to look up to. I know John somehow took that role, but it was the first time I wished for a real father. Strange.

Today, looking at the bruises on me, I feel better. I guess water and heat always make it better for me. And seeing John naked. He feels comfortable when naked. I think he is so handsome, I love just looking at him. So in love with him.

2 thoughts on “Borders And Fathers

  1. mondfeuer says:

    Hey,
    I don´t know how old you are, but for me, i´m 32, tjhe wish for a father and a mother is as strong as it ever was.
    My mother is a fucked up bitch, not worth the title mother. My father…a story on it´s own, not as bad as yours, but still hurting in a way.
    I have learned to live my life without them, but the wish is still there.
    My therapist tells me everytime when it comes to this subject i have to be my own father/ mother to give myself what i need…..this won´t work for me….in a way my gods are my parents, but not as much as i wish for sometimes.
    The ex-wife of my father is a bit of a mother for me, not in a way it might be usual, but i think in a way it is for me possible.

    Borders….i know them….at least a few of them, but most of the time only when i cross the, leave them behind and recognice that it was too much…..

    Water and heat, i know what you mean. I think i could stay all the day in a hot shower or bath and i would be fine till the moment i must leave this…..
    best wishes
    Mo

  2. blaubeermann says:

    Hi mondfeuer,

    my therapist keeps telling me quite the same thing, and just like you I’m not able to be my own parents. I guess John has somehow taken the role of a father for me and I sort of get things I think I’d get from a father. By the way, I’ll be 40 next year.

    Lord Shiva is a sort of father for me, too, but even if I think we’re close, we’re not that close, you know?

    You’re right, a hot bath or shower is the best thing until the very moment the water is turned off. Then it’s just my disgusting body, naked, which needs to be taken care of😦

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