Today, I had the weekly therapeutic session. We talked about the others, as I call them, and when we were finished I suddenly thought it would be ok to share this thing here.
First of all, I do not suffer from split personality (dissoziative Identitätsstörung/DIS in German). This mental illness has certain criteria which I do not suffer from such as periods I can’t remember. But nonetheless I have developed some personalities who are not quite the same as me (Blaubeermann). I have talked about Ginny/Gina, to give an example. I experience all these personalities as part of what I call myself/me. Sometimes I experience them as a kind of counterpart to me, sometimes I feel like I could be them, at least for a certain period of time, although it’s always just like a role I allow myself to take. But my everyday consciousness for me as Blaubeermann is always there, I do not lose hold of me.
I know their existence is connected to what my father did. I know that’s a normal reaction to an abnormal incident, but I felt strange because of their existence for many, many years. To be honest, I still do somehow, although I have developed a certain understanding and appreciation for them. I know I created them to help me survive and to bin certain skills and capacities. Without them, I probably would not be here today. I want to write this down to connect to them and show them I love them. All of them. And that takes a lt of courage, as I just realise.
Blaubeermann. That’s actually what I call myself/me. Male, 39 y.o., owner of this body, married to John, shop assistant, submissive/masochistic, interested in Yoga, spirituality, hiking, music, reading and mathematics. Blaubeermann was the person who was abused and suffers from PTSD, depression, anxiety disorders and is mentally handicapped, somewhat autistic. Self-harm.
Ginny. Cute girl, about 23 y.o., likes everything glitterish and glam, shy, likes to be treated like a lady, loves to make her husband happy. Prefers tender intercourse, clean and sweet. Is interested in horses, reading lovestories, watching soap operas and tries to learn how to crochet and knit.
Gina. The slut-version of Ginny. Might have Italian origin. Dark, long hair, big tits, would do anything just to be used. Total fucktoy. Is too dumb to actually have any interest apart from earning spunk. Is such a cheap, dumb whore, she is of no importance.
[Child]. I don’t want to tell his name because actually his name is Blaubeermann’s real name in short. About 5 y.o., very shy, blonde. Still needs diapers and a pacifier. Owns a soft doll he always carries with him and takes care of. Loves to curl up inside John’s arms (his snug and safe place), sucks on his thumb sometimes. Needs a lot of caretaking, but is quite funny when he feels safe. Likes hot chocolate and cookies, needs to feel his Dad near.
[The other child] A girl, about 12 y.o., has no name but gets called “Liebling” (darling). Gets abused by The Father (not to be confused with the Dad, which actually is John in real life, but there’s also a Dad inside) and enjoys this in a twisted kind of way. Gets wet and horny when The Father seduces her and hates herself because of her lust. Has to wear slutty clothes and earns money being sold to other men.
Young guy, has no name. Eating disorder. Is fat and wants to get skinny, but always fails to skip meals. Instead, the eats too much and stuffs hisself with unhealthy food. Has moobs and gets humiliated for these and likes it, though he hates to like and need it. Likes fast food and sodas. Is denied and not allow to cum. In fact, his useless, limp and tiny dicklet does not even get touched.
The Father. Has no name. Approx. 45 y.o., tall, big, strong. Abuser, seducer. Uses both children for his pleasure. Choleric and his reactions can’t be foreseen. Takes photographs of the children and sells them. Borrows the children to others to earn money. Pretends to be their friend. Can be very tender, just to make them cum.
The Dad. Blaubeermann does not know much about him yet, but he’s an older man with grey hair, very kind and quiet. Is patient and loving, offers sometimes advice.
Anita. The pig/the slave. Deserves hardest punishment and degradation due to the mere fact of her existence. Ugly, fat, dirty, used, dumb, worthless. Sleeps on the kitchen floor and is sometimes held together with the pigs in the stable. So disgusting, she even serves the pigs. No limits. Not a person, just an object. If you wanted to, you could kill her, because she is so wortless. Rapewhore. Has to wear degrating, disgusting and dirty clothes. Fierce self-harm.
The Dark Master. Has no name. Owner of Anita/the pig. Likes to lay violent hands on her and on the young, chubby guy. Incarnated darkness and self-disgust. Would kill and cook/eat Anita, just to destroy her. No light, no love, no hope, just bitterness, pain, hate and disgust. Hates people. On the other hand, the Dark Master has highly efficient survival skills. Is not afraid of anything. Would have killed Blaubeermann’s abuser if Blaubeermann had let him.
These are the main characters. From time to time there appear new ones, but they leave again most of the time. I am well aware of the fact that the children and the chubby guy are parts of Blaubeermann’s identity that were split from Blaubeermann connected with certain traumatic experiences (near-death experiences).
Ok, it took me quite a while to finish this. I don’t know how complete it is, but I think I’ll just send that now.