Those Nails

Christmas sadly wasn’t as harmonious as I had wished for. On the 24th, we made it through dinner and half-way through the unwrapping (which actually is always a moment of pure embarrassment for me) until my brother finally made a remark about my nails. I still have them done at intervals of about 6 weeks and in the meantime I take care of them by myself (most times just putting on fresh polish). We already had way too much conversation about my nails and I’ve already been thinking about just quitting it to keep the peace, no matter how sad this would make me. It was John who intervened when I had thought about that aloud. He told me that if I’d really love my gurlish nails, then for fuck’s sake I should keep on having them done and pay no attention to others. Uhm, yes. Easier said than done, if it’s your brother grouching at you everytime you speak to him, right?

So on the 24thΒ I could feel my brother wanting to make remarks from the moment on I stepped through the door. When he finally couldn’t resist any longer, it was like sitting in a cold rain. He asked whether I wanted to be a girl. What should I say? No, not really. But on the other hand, I think I won’t ever be what I call an Alpha. It took years to arrive at this certain point in my life where I finally feel comfortable with this “weak” side of me, having named her Ginny, and living it out. He said if I didn’t want to be a girl, then I was sending out the wrong signals. He asked John whether he had forgotten that I’m a man. John reacted as polite and superior as ever and told him that he loves who I am and not the mere fact that I’m a man. My brother and John are best friends and I guess he dares to speak to him quite frankly. And I sure can’t. It just made me sad to be questioned, and I grew more and more silent, until I could feel I was drifting away, not feeling myself anymore.

I went to the toilet, sat on their bath tub, regarding my nails. I had the thought of ripping them off, no matter how, and just to suit my brother. But those nails stick firmly to mine, and it did not work. When I returned to them, it was hard not to burst out in tears. John saw and understood how I felt and took my hand.

When we were in the car finally, I told him I felt so much pressure and self-disgust that I was about to hurt myself. He told me to put my hands on my knees while he was driving us home, then he said something I’ll never forget. “It doesn’t matter what they see in you. The most important thing is what you yourself see when you look into the mirror. And what I see as well…”. I dared to ask what that was. “My beloved. Und mein braves Pferdchen, oder?”. Right. And I got a stiffy.

Most times I can accept that we live in a world where we are told who and how we are more often than we’re allowed to find out for ourselves. But sometimes I feel so lost and lonely, not being able to play the role I’m supposed to play due to the mere fact that I was born with a penis. Don’t get me wrong, I like having a dick, but it seems to me that just having this organ means I’m expected to behave in a certain way which doesn’t come naturally to me. I feel better when I’m more Ginny, at least at the moment, and I like the shrinkage of my cock as I have already written. I really adore transgirls, but I’m not trans, just a guy who likes to be someone’s gurl.

I wish my brother could just understand that.

 

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Merry Christmas

Yesterday, I visited my former therapist and his wife who both have helped me so much. They are retired now for quite a while and I still miss working with them. They were the first who I dared to talk to openly about what my father did, and I guess in some means my therapist has taken the place of a father for me. I don’t hestitate to tell them anything and I still trust them as if it had not been years since I was his patient (mostly his). Uhm, and yes, he’s the one I tried to suck off as well.

When I came home, Love was already there. He made tea for us (that was a rare occasion) and we sat together and talked. At the moment, there come up so many things and feelings. Perhaps because of Christmas? It’s always a kind of sad time for me, and I’m not able to let go of all the bad memories connected with it. Sometimes I get so tired of being me and I think about ways to escape myself, but I know that drinking would be bad for me (I get a stomache everytime) and I don’t do drugs, so all that remains is pain and well, sex. Sex is always a good way to numb myself and to feel myself at the same time. I know this sounds dumb, but it is like it is.

In the evening, Love and I visited the local adventmarket and I bought a pretty little star made of glass. It reminded me of a thing I saw during a very emotional journey to Lord Shiva and now I’ve placed it on the altar. I’ll be attending W’s ritual for Midwinter between Christmas and the new year and I’m a bit nervous about that, as ever.

Today, we did the shopping. I was lucky to order most things we’ll need for Christmas at work, so that I can fetch them tomorrow morning when I’m at work anyway. At work, we had a little Christmas party on Monday, and my boss presented each of us with a chocolate Santa and some fruit. That was nice πŸ™‚

So I guess, all in all I’m trying my best to make the most out of Christmas, but I’m nervous about the dinner with my brother and his wife. I always feel like I’m not able to measure up to their expectations. John said, I should take my pencils with me and just start drawing when I feel it’s too much. I’ll do that.

Wishing you a lovely Christmas with your family and friends!

NSFW Asks

A lazy Sunday and I thought I’d just answer the questions I found here.

  1. When did you lose your virginity? I was 17, when I had my first consensual intercourse.
  2. Rough sex or soft sex? Most times rough sex, I guess. But Ginny likes soft sex better.
  3. Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? Uhm, do I have any normal ones? LOL I like a lot of stuff, ranging from dressing up like a gurl to bondage, breathplay, sadistic things, …
  4. Weirdest place you’ve had sex? Probably the tiny restroom of a train with a grammy knocking on for hours πŸ™‚
  5. Favourite sex position? Depends. Most times I just like to be taken, so I bend over. Ginny likes to look John in the eyes though.
  6. Do you like to be dominant or submissive? Sub only.
  7. Have you ever had any one night stands? A few, yes, and I guess I still have.
  8. Sex on the bed, couch or floor? I prefer bed, but anywhere is fine at least.
  9. Have you ever had sex in a public place? Yes, from clubs to car, from park to theatre. I quite like that.
  10. Have you ever been caught masturbating? Yes. No nice memories.
  11. What does your favourite sexy underwear look like? That’ll be a garter belt, stockings and a panty. For my husband, I prefer suits. Oh, I love suits, although they’re no underwear πŸ™‚
  12. How often do you have sex? Well, that depends on John…on a normal day about two times, during chastity destinctly less.
  13. Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Yes, my husband. But he’s momentarily taking part in his golf club’s Christmas party.
  14. Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? I like both, but I like giving even better.
  15. Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? Probably a lot of things. Needing to cry because of being triggered, having to laugh in inappropriate moments and so on.
  16. A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? My lover’s breath, I suppose.
  17. A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? The same. I’m not really into music during sex.
  18. Are you into dressing up for sex? Yeah, why not. I like women’s undies as well as heavy latex gear.
  19. Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? I like both, but sex in the shower is more suitable for everyday life. But I enjoy it very much to put my Love in the tub and taking good care of him πŸ™‚
  20. If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? Uhm, I guess the same one as in question 13 πŸ™‚
  21. Have you ever had a threesome? Yes, several, and sex with more guys, too. It’s part of our usual sex-life.
  22. Do you use sex toy? Sure, yes, but there are of course some I especially like such as canes.
  23. Have you ever sent anyone a dirty picture/text? Yes, of course. I love to tease my man πŸ™‚
  24. Would you have sex with your best friend? Well, actually we had sex with each other, before we became best friends. Today, he’s in a monogamic relationship and I would never disturb that.
  25. Is there anything you do after sex? Depends. Most times I just like to lay still and enjoy that seldom feeling of relaxation.
  26. Anything that will never fail to get you horny? My Love. Really, he just needs to be around to make me horny. Watching, smelling him. Sometimes some words or a simple touch are enough to have me there.
  27. Early morning or late night sex? Whenever.
  28. Favourite body part of the opposite sex? Never really thought about that. Probably the eyes and hands?
  29. Favourite body part of the same sex? Hands, mouth, eyes, beard, chest, belly, ass and cock. I like it all πŸ™‚
  30. Something you’ve hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: I try to hide some dirty panties from our char. To be honest, I have no idea whether or not she might already have found something that wasn’t meant for her eyes.
  31. Weirdest sexual act someone performed on you: someone trying to talk me into wearing plastic dog ears, I guess LOL
  32. Have you ever tasted yourself? Of course.
  33. Is it ever ok not to use a concom? Well, let’s face it: condoms suck. If it was safe, I’d never use one. But as it’s not safe, I always use one, except for sex with John.
  34. A food that you’d like to use during a sexual experience: there are some, I think. I like to be fed babyfood and tea, but I also like to get messy with whatever.
  35. Worst possible time to get horny: whenever I’m in chastity. When John’s just about to leave for a few days. During my Yoga class.
  36. Do you like it if your sexual partner moans? Yes, sure!
  37. How much fapping is too much fappping? Perhaps 12 times a day?
  38. Best sexual compliment you ever got? John telling me I was the best fuck of his life. Another guy telling me he had never cum like that before.
  39. Favourite foreplay activities: getting spanked hard. Getting humiliated. Getting tied down. Feeling I belong to John and that he has the right to take me whenever.
  40. What do you wear to bed? Panties and a shirt most times.
  41. When was the first time you masturbated? I dunno. Aged 10?
  42. Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/videos of yourself? Quite a lot.
  43. When was the last time you had sex outside? In autmn.
  44. Have you ever had sex in public? Look at question 9.
  45. Threesome? Uhm.
  46. What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? A pencil. For my urethra. Did I mention I like pain?
  47. Do you watch gay porn? Yes, but no longer without exception. I’ve come to like hetero porn as well.
  48. Do you like oral sex? Why? Yes. Because I feel taken, belonging. I like to serve, I like the reactions I get. I like to feel it deep inside.
  49. How do you feel about tattoos on someone you’re interested it? I have never really thought about that.
  50. How would you feel about taking someone’s virginity? I think that’s too much responsibility for me to take.
  51. Is there any food you would not recommend during a sexual encounter? Durian πŸ™‚
  52. Would you rather be a porn star or a prostitute? Well, a prostitute. I believe I was made to please others.
  53. Do you watch porn? A lot of it, really.
  54. Have you ever been called a freak? Why? I guess because I am.
  55. Do you feel comfortable going “commando”? Not at all.
  56. Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair? No, though I am told to shave all over. To be honest, I have never understood that hairless hype. I like real man with hair πŸ™‚
  57. If you could give yourself head, would you? Of course. Who wouldn’t? πŸ™‚
  58. Booty or boobs? On myself: boobs.
  59. Have you ever cheated on someone? Why? I have. In all my past relationships I haven’t been faithful. Why…I dunno. I could not.
  60. If you were the other sex for a day, what five things would you do? Style me up, get fucked and impregnated, give milk and…uhm…get fucked again.
  61. Have you ever watched someone masturbate? A lot of times.
  62. Has anyone ever watched you masturbate? A lot of times as well.
  63. Have you ever had an erection and someone notice that? Yes, the first time during physical education in school.
  64. What is your method of masturbation? I need to stimulate my tits, otherwise I’m no loger able to cum at all. That was something John had wished for and I doubted it might ever came to that, but well, practice makes perfect, right? So, no tits-stimulation, no orgasm. I use clamps and most times tiny vibro-eggs I put in my bra. That gets me going quite hefty, but over the years I have lost a lot of my ability to cum quickly. I need to work on me for a while (I use my left hand only) and I like to delay cumming.
  65. What is your penis size? That’s another thing that has changed over the years. My cock used to be bigger, but obviously being kept chaste quite a while makes a difference. Now I’m only about 5” when hard (used to be more like 6 1/2”). I like that really, really much and would love it to become even more little, about 1” or so. I love to be humiliated for my tiny cock.
  66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put into your anus? Well, at least ginger and chile gave me the weirdest feelings…
  67. When was the last time you masturbated? Yesterday afternoon, but these questions make it inevitable to masturbate later on πŸ™‚
  68. When was the last time you had sex? This afternoon, but I was not fulfilled. It was just about John.
  69. When was the last time you watched porn? Uhm. Now.
  70. What was the last sex toy you bought? Quite a bis glass dildo.
  71. Circumsized? No.
  72. Which non-genital part of your body do you like to have touched? My tits. Need that.
  73. Which genital-part of your body do you like to have touched? My clit, which is the tip of my dicklet.
  74. Are you able to achieve orgasm through breast stimulation? Not yet, no, but I want to learn how to do it. That would be awesome.
  75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual question to someone on tumblr? No.
  76. When was the last time you’ve had a wet dream? During No-vember I guess.
  77. Which wet dream was your favourite? I dreamt I was a girl with a very full bladder, but the bladder could only be emptied through milking my tits. Uhm, my subconsciousness is quite a dirty slut πŸ™‚
  78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? No.
  79. Is there a celebrity you’d like to have sex with? Some I guess. I always thought John Cusack is cute πŸ™‚
  80. Favourite sexual position? Any is ok with me.
  81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed? Yep, and outside as well. I’m John’s whore, his “Pferdchen”.
  82. Are you into any BDSM? Me? NO! πŸ˜‰
  83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone, but for any reason knew you could not? Yes. I guess that’s embarrassing, but I tried to offer sex to my brother and even my therapist, because I was not able to tell them how sorry I was.
  84. Do you like dirty talk? Very much, gets me going in an instance. But it needs to be really dirty, not just a bit πŸ˜‰
  85. Are you loud or quiet during sex/masturbation? I’d say more quiet, but I am not inaudible.
  86. Have you ever been interrupted during sex/masturbation? John quite likes it to interrupt me when I’m masturbating. He just loves to make me feel guilty. During sex…I guess that’s been a while.
  87. What kind of porn do you like to watch? The worst I can find. Degradation, humiliation, rapeporn, hateporn, severe spankings, real pain, blood, injuries, transporn, chastity/milking. Whatever as long as it hurts.
  88. Have you ever confessed to someone you got an erection over them/masturbated over them? Yes…and he liked it.
  89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them? Whenever I could πŸ˜‰
  90. ONS? Do you keep contact with them? A lot. Not really.
  91. Have you ever had friends with benefits? I guess I still do, like Leo and other we met with on a regular base.

Well, I hope you did enjoy the Q&A. I guess I’m off to some relief now πŸ˜‰

Missing

After No-vember, there came No-cember. I was not even able to tell John he was being “unfair”, because he had never said that I would be released from the Birdlock in December. Sigh. So as the days went by, I tried my best not to think of cock only, but it was hard. 2015 has been the most chaste year ever for me and I guess that was due to the fact that I had agreed to bring things up to a new level. Being kept chaste is one thing, being denied to get fucked another. I found I can cope quite “well” with chastity as long as I get my satisfation by getting fucked. It’s not the same as an orgasm, but it’s good anyway. But being denied this pleasure as well makes it worse. I try my best not to complain and mourn about it, but I think I fail πŸ˜‰

During these times of strict chastity, John does not even tease me by touching my butt or nipples or French kissing or whatever. I’m just allowed to deep throat like the whore I am, being allowed to serve only. I love deep-throating, but compared to other pleasures it stays a bit behind as my throat is not really an area of physical joy. It’s more that I like to feel overwhelmed and out of control when he decides how much air I’m getting. It’s more like a psychological pleasure, isn’t it?

I guess I have never told my husband more often how much I miss his beautiful cock than in 2015. And that’s true for the past weeks as well. There were occasions when he showed me what I was missing, for example when he ran around naked after showering, which almost got me whimpering for to take it. He laughed at me, telling me he likes how dull I look when I see his cock. Uhm, yes. Seeing what you can’t have makes it worse, right?

Now, yesterday night I was quite sure it was going to be a normal night. We went to bed at our normal time and I snuggled up inside his arms. Comfy. Then he began touching me, very tender and slowly. I thought “no, don’t even dare to have hopes, you’ll be diappointed anyway”. He took his time, as ever, but finally he did something strange with my panties. I didn’t realize it at first, but he made a hole in them by using his clasp knife. Ugh. “Seems you’re wearing fucked panties…”, he whispered, and simultaneously I could feel one fingertip touching me, electrifying my in an instance. Oh, that sweet, cruel whispering. I have never experienced this before I met him. He’s able to control me by his voice alone, telling me the sweetest and the worst things at a time. He let his finger wander. “You’re excited”. Yes, Sir. “Why?”. OMG! I told him and he chuckled. “Don’t hope for much. You know you’ll only be disappointed”. Ugh, right. But he kept on.

After a while he took the lubricant and rubbed it on me. Please…oh please…But he stopped. I waited. Nothing. I kindly asked him to please go on. “I’m tired, son”. Ugh. Of course, Sir, but… “But what?” I need it…please…please…! He hesitated and I thought, OK, that’s it, I’ve ruined it, he did not want to, dammit. And then his fingers, his cock…He fucked me right through that hole in my panty and I was like drooling and crying and being out of myself at once. But the best thing, he paused to release me from the Birdlock, for the first time since the end of October. My cock was hard right away, almost painful, but he kept me from touching it. First of all, he needed to cum, and I was so thankful.

Afterwards, he lay next to me and began stroking me very slowly. I didn’t count how often he almost got me there, but then stopped, but when he finally made me cum, I felt like being so much in my body and being so far away from me at the same time, I felt like the lights would faint LOL He used my cum as a lube and fucked me again, with the panty still on, and I didn’t feel anything but love and thankfulness and, well, COCK.

Today, I’m still wearing that panty, but I finally got rid of the Birdlock. When Love left in the morning he kissed me and told me I smell of spunk. Uhm, yeah, and I guess I’ve added to that. I’m so horny and can’t wait for him to come home…and cum again…

Sleeplessness

Most times sleeping is hard for me. I’m quite glad to receive at least four or five hours a night. I’ve tried sleeping pills, but one gets quickly used to them so that they don’t work properly anymore, and to be honest, sleep is not very relaxing if drug-indicated, right? I’ve even tried antidepressants, but for some years now, I do no longer take anything to make me “happy” or “feel better”, because actually all of these pills just made me feel myself less. And as I don’t always feel myself, it was no help at all.

When I can’t sleep, I don’t manage to get up and do whatever. I mean, I could watch T.V. or read or bake or I don’t know, but I just lay there in bed, listening to John breathing and most of the times I’m not able to move. Well, being unable to move is part of my PTSD. I just freeze. It’s like my mind and body are not connected, so that my thoughts can’t get my body moving. Sometimes I feel like under water or ice. As soon as John moves or the clock rings, I can move again. Just like I’m spellbound or whatever.

Most times when I lay in bed frozen, my thoughts begin to wander. I always try to think of normal things such as my chores, work, a conversation I recently had. But most of the times, I fail. Sooner or later my thoughts turn to my father and what he did, which really doesn’t help. Last night I was back in a situation when he sat upon my chest and kept slapping my face, as it seemed to me, for hours. Just that monotonous SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP, forever. I remember trying to be not there, not in my body, but the pain did not end. SLAP SLAP SLAP, like a dull sort of music, the rhythm of my life.

I remembered watching a movie on T.V., as a kid. I don’t recall the movie at all, but I do recall a single scene: men in rows, rowing a boat, and a controller walking in between them, hitting those who were exhausted with a whip. I did not feel sorry for them. I felt anger and pure horniness. So I guess it’s not remarkable sex/masturbation is a great help for me in overcoming feelings of anger and frustration. Sometimes, when I lay awake in bed, I masturbate, and afterwards, I feel relaxed for perhaps a minute. Sometimes I do not, then I start again, hoping for relief. Actually, that’s a way to survive another night, either. In case I’m not locked up.

Today is one of “those” days. I’m exhausted and tired, but I don’t dare laying down and I fear the night that will come, with me being awake and frozen. There’s no instant help for that, I can only try again and again, talk it over with my husband and my therapist and be patient with myself. But I really hate how much he still abuses me, day by day and night by night. Not even in my dreams I have some peace and quiet.

Values

Today, I’ve gotten a lot to learn about my sweet husband.

We had to do our weekly chores, so I picked him up after I was done with my therapeutic session. I was a bit out of it because of what we had talked about, and had a hard time being in my body and being aware of what was going on around me. Of course John knows what to do then: telling me to keep grip of the cart and maneuvering me through the aisles. “D’you want muesli or rather those cereals?” is a question I can cope with in those times. I try to keep the car on the sides of the aisles so that other people can pass. I try to pay attention to others and to those displays they place everywhere. But today I obviously failed. There was a man who wanted to pass and I barred his way. He hissed something I could not hear properly, then rushed past me. I murmured I was sorry.

Well, we met again in another aisle and obviously he was mad with me, for no reason I’d have seen. He said something insulting and I did not know what to answer, because I was shocked. In that moment John came to his side and asked briskly “Entschuldigung, was haben Sie gerade gesagt?” (“Pardon, what did you just say?”). The other tried to pass, but John did not let him and insisted on hearing an answer. The man understood that John would not let him go and began shouting about me, like I was dumb, did not let him pass, blahblah. I could tell John got angry, but he just smiled politely and told the man “Ich verstehe. Ihr Problem ist, dass Sie nicht wissen, wie man sich zu benehmen hat” (“I see. Your problem is that you don’t know how to behave properly”). Both, the man and me, were completely surprised by that. The man got red, then just turned and we never saw him again. And I…oh yes, I felt like a knight had just come to rescue me from a scallywag LOL I couldn’t do other than adore him.

Later, I asked him about it. He said that one thing that really gets him angry here in Germany is the lack of Gentlemen-quality in people, especially in men. He said he often thinks that Germans are impolite and that German men lack chivalry and honourable behaviour. To be honest, “chivalry” is a term I have not heard in years, so I guess it’s true, it’s not of special importance to German men. I asked him to tell me more about it, and he told me about his grandfather and father, the values he was raised to (such as politeness, accuracy, benevolence and so on) and as how embarrassing it was regarded if a man did not stick to this certain code of ethics. The concept of loss of face is quite unknown to me, but I believe I can understand him and his actions better now.

Regarding all that he told me about being a Gentleman, I guess I am none. Of course I’m not. But I saw very clearly why I’m still so much in love with him, this sweet, tender soul.