Most times sleeping is hard for me. I’m quite glad to receive at least four or five hours a night. I’ve tried sleeping pills, but one gets quickly used to them so that they don’t work properly anymore, and to be honest, sleep is not very relaxing if drug-indicated, right? I’ve even tried antidepressants, but for some years now, I do no longer take anything to make me “happy” or “feel better”, because actually all of these pills just made me feel myself less. And as I don’t always feel myself, it was no help at all.

When I can’t sleep, I don’t manage to get up and do whatever. I mean, I could watch T.V. or read or bake or I don’t know, but I just lay there in bed, listening to John breathing and most of the times I’m not able to move. Well, being unable to move is part of my PTSD. I just freeze. It’s like my mind and body are not connected, so that my thoughts can’t get my body moving. Sometimes I feel like under water or ice. As soon as John moves or the clock rings, I can move again. Just like I’m spellbound or whatever.

Most times when I lay in bed frozen, my thoughts begin to wander. I always try to think of normal things such as my chores, work, a conversation I recently had. But most of the times, I fail. Sooner or later my thoughts turn to my father and what he did, which really doesn’t help. Last night I was back in a situation when he sat upon my chest and kept slapping my face, as it seemed to me, for hours. Just that monotonous SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP, forever. I remember trying to be not there, not in my body, but the pain did not end. SLAP SLAP SLAP, like a dull sort of music, the rhythm of my life.

I remembered watching a movie on T.V., as a kid. I don’t recall the movie at all, but I do recall a single scene: men in rows, rowing a boat, and a controller walking in between them, hitting those who were exhausted with a whip. I did not feel sorry for them. I felt anger and pure horniness. So I guess it’s not remarkable sex/masturbation is a great help for me in overcoming feelings of anger and frustration. Sometimes, when I lay awake in bed, I masturbate, and afterwards, I feel relaxed for perhaps a minute. Sometimes I do not, then I start again, hoping for relief. Actually, that’s a way to survive another night, either. In case I’m not locked up.

Today is one of “those” days. I’m exhausted and tired, but I don’t dare laying down and I fear the night that will come, with me being awake and frozen. There’s no instant help for that, I can only try again and again, talk it over with my husband and my therapist and be patient with myself. But I really hate how much he still abuses me, day by day and night by night. Not even in my dreams I have some peace and quiet.


4 thoughts on “Sleeplessness

  1. mondfeuer says:


    know exactly what you mean…..same here…i haven´t slept for more than a week enough….just 3-5 hours of “sleep” with a few wakings in the night and no sleep over the day to get a bit rest.
    The less i sleep the more i have to cope with wandering thoughts about my past like you described it.

    Sometimes i am able to get my attention to other things like chores, plans, thing i´m looking forward. The worst part of those nights are sometimes the flashbacks. On a usual day, i am able to deal wtih it and get enough space between me and the overwhelming feelings, but at night, when i´m tired as fuck it dosen´t work well.

    Helpful for me are cleansing imaginations/ meditations to calm down and get rid of the feelings als also relaxation. I can´t get a state of real relaxation, but it helps me at least to get in contact with my body and makes it able to feel my body in my bed, feeling the blanket, the pillow, the warmth of it.

    I bet you have tried so much to get sleep?! Maybe this could be helpful for you:
    I had build a planet, a whole, tiny and safe planet in my mind. When i can´t sleep, i make my journey to this planet, walk around, sniff on the flowers, take a bath in the river and go to my house. Nobody knows where it is to find, there are no dangers, no people who are able to harm me or something else. You know, like the inner place in therapy. It works sometimes pretty well for me.
    Another thing is, to build up a layer of steele or something else around the house where only good things get access and bad influences burn/ where punched back etc. who wants to get in. This is also useful to calm down.

    Have you tried essential lavender oil?
    When i remember to take it (i often miss doing helpful things for me) i am much more able to get a bit of rest, sleep and peace.
    5 Drops on a spoon of good olive oil and the mindfuck will slow down, relaxation is more possible and also sleep.

    • blaubeermann says:

      I’m sorry to hear about your problems with sleeping, mondfeuer. Nonetheless, I guess they’re pretty normal for folks diagnosed with PTSD 😦

      Over the years, I have tried so many techniques to help me create a sleep-friendly environment within and without myself. You name it, I have tried it. Letting my mind wander to a safe place (congrats this one works for you. My defence has always been too weak and sooner or later, but most times sooner, he came back in) for example. Or re-arranging the furniture. Or taking homeopathic remedies and Bach flower essence. Meditation. Music. Self-harm. Plantmilk with honey. Eating nothing before laying down. Eating sugar. Drinking a glass of wine (bad idea!). Taking a shower. Bathing. Massaging my feed (odd, that one). Holding a stone in my hand. Uhm, a thousand more.

      I have not tried lavender oil yet, but I tried dried lavender in a sachet, and I found I did not like its smell. Don’t you get fat eating a spoonful of oil a day? Well, I might try this one anyway, thank you!

      I have often wondered if it would be good to have seperate bedrooms, because I always fear I might wake John up, but he says he can’t get bothered if he’s asleep once and I like to know he’s near.

      Do you suffer from nightmares as well? I sometimes wonder how things are related to each other and what silly images my brain develops when I’m finally asleep.

      My friend W often tells me, Cannabis might help me, but there’s no way for me to legally get it. And even if I could, I don’t know if I would not be afraid to take or smoke it. I don’t like having altered perception, you know…

      • mondfeuer says:


        Yes, i think it is usual, but it sucks (in a bad way :p ) that it is usual…i haven´t sleep the last 2 weeks more than 2 to 3 hours a night….last night i sleeped more than 5 hours, but i´m still tired and had really bad nightmares….this is usual, when i sleep at night and also when i sleep during the day when my kids are not at home.

        No, i don´t get fat with the spoon of oil. I use olive oil and sometimes also linseed.

        Do you know golden milk? It´s an ayurvedic remedy made out of a paste of turmeric, cinnamon, black pepper and plant milk. For some people it works pretty well to get peaceful sleep. For me it is just a remedy against cold feet and and the cold.

        Wine works, but only if i drink more than 2 glasses and i only drink on weekends more than max. 1 glass on a evening.

        Cannabis…i take it when it comes to periods of no sleep at all, when nothing works or my pain is so strong, that i only wanna faint and die. It works really good, but i don´t want to use it. I have to take care of my sons, and i´m afraid that i may not be able to do what is necessary when i´m stoned and an accident or something happend.

        I´ts almost impossible to get relaxation for me, what makes it much more difficult to get sleep. I could imagine that this might be the same for you?

        I had a bdsm session a few weeks ago. First i was dom, this was really nice, but on some point a few hours later the situation switched and i was spellbound to my bed. This was the first situation ever i felt relaxed, calm and safe. Sometimes i wish this would be usual on a daily base, because afterwards i could sleep like a stone and felt really good, but on the other hand i don´t want a relationship and especially no bdsm relationship of that kind, because it wouldn´t work.

        wish you all the best

  2. blaubeermann says:

    Yes, I have heard of Golden Milk by my Yoga teacher, but I have not tried it yet, but I think I’ll give it a go. I think I have all I need for it at home 🙂

    I can’t drink alcohol anymore. I had a problem with it, not really bad, you know, but bad enough. Nowadays, my stomach can’t handle alcohol, so I have dropped it completely. But sometimes I like a draught of non-alcoholic wine, but that of course does not have the same effects like alcohol.

    I guess I’d fear not to be able to react to whatever when I’m stoned as well, but I understand that having children around makes you want to stay capable of acting even more. And I think it might not be the best thing to have your children witnessing you’re stoned…

    You’re right, I’m hypervigilant, so it’s difficult to relax anyway.
    I found it very interesting to hear about your experience being tied (if I got you right there?). For me, being tied and feeling my borders is really helpful. Sometimes when I freak out, John makes me put on collar and cuffs just to help me feel myself and feel held. Have you tried this out already?
    Thank you very much for being so open about it. I hardly know anyone who experiences the same as me and that’s very helpful.

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