Merry Christmas

Yesterday, I visited my former therapist and his wife who both have helped me so much. They are retired now for quite a while and I still miss working with them. They were the first who I dared to talk to openly about what my father did, and I guess in some means my therapist has taken the place of a father for me. I don’t hestitate to tell them anything and I still trust them as if it had not been years since I was his patient (mostly his). Uhm, and yes, he’s the one I tried to suck off as well.

When I came home, Love was already there. He made tea for us (that was a rare occasion) and we sat together and talked. At the moment, there come up so many things and feelings. Perhaps because of Christmas? It’s always a kind of sad time for me, and I’m not able to let go of all the bad memories connected with it. Sometimes I get so tired of being me and I think about ways to escape myself, but I know that drinking would be bad for me (I get a stomache everytime) and I don’t do drugs, so all that remains is pain and well, sex. Sex is always a good way to numb myself and to feel myself at the same time. I know this sounds dumb, but it is like it is.

In the evening, Love and I visited the local adventmarket and I bought a pretty little star made of glass. It reminded me of a thing I saw during a very emotional journey to Lord Shiva and now I’ve placed it on the altar. I’ll be attending W’s ritual for Midwinter between Christmas and the new year and I’m a bit nervous about that, as ever.

Today, we did the shopping. I was lucky to order most things we’ll need for Christmas at work, so that I can fetch them tomorrow morning when I’m at work anyway. At work, we had a little Christmas party on Monday, and my boss presented each of us with a chocolate Santa and some fruit. That was nice 🙂

So I guess, all in all I’m trying my best to make the most out of Christmas, but I’m nervous about the dinner with my brother and his wife. I always feel like I’m not able to measure up to their expectations. John said, I should take my pencils with me and just start drawing when I feel it’s too much. I’ll do that.

Wishing you a lovely Christmas with your family and friends!


One thought on “Merry Christmas

  1. mondfeuer says:

    i know how you feel, it´s the same for me.
    Since i have children i have to learn to cope with that and let this happen and try to get through this time without overwhelmed by flashbacks and stuff, so i tend to make just as much as needed but as much as possible to make it a good time for my sons and me.
    Wish you and your Love all the best for this days.

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