It’s too late for anything, and tomorrow is my weekly therapeutic session. I’ve been watching porn for hours now, I’m having a stiffy, but as I’m not allowed to touch myself, I’m getting more and more frustrated. John is already in bed and asleep and I feel lonely and moreover, horny like fuck.
At the moment, I really enjoy watching Thai ladyboy porn. They are so cute, totally perfect. In some videos, you can see post-operation ladyboys, but that’s not turning me on. I really have no use for a pussy, thank you. But I totally adore those beautiful women with those very small, limp cocks. Don’t get me wrong, I would not want to fuck them. I’d like to be one of them. Ugh.
Thankfully, John wasn’t as bemused as I thought he’d be when I brought that fantasy into play, you know, being his ladyboy-whore. Meanwhile I think we’ve found our niche, but I also feel my thoughts and wishes go deeper. When we were in France, the was an occasion where a man paid me a coke (which were 3 €) for sex. I didn’t get that out of my head and the fact that I’ve been a cheap whore is an instant turn on for me. Well, it’s a turn on as long as I don’t question it. When I start to put that in question, I realize fast that it’s just a repitition of what I was forced to do in earlier years. My father sold me to other men and well, later on I sold myself. Probably it’s never been OK for me, but my insane brain makes it feel kinky, because otherwise I’d not be able to cope with that. But anyway, it turns me on.
I’ve been fantasizing about getting paid for sex ever since that certain occasion. Sometimes John presents me with a little something when I’ve pleased him very well, but what I liked best was when he gave me 2 € to “buy something you like”. Oh damn, that was hot. You know, I’ve got enough money. It wasn’t about the money itself, but about the very small amount for quite a while of rough sex. Liked that. To tell the truth, I’ve been fantasizing about having to sell myself to other men and handing the money over to John who might PERHAPS let me 1 €…to save and to buy slutty underwear afterwards, when I have enough, to turn on new guests. And I even took it as a compliment when Master said that I’d probably earn more money as a whore than I earn now.
I’ve been fantasizing about being forced to take pills to make my tits grow and my cock shrink, to make it really difficult for me to cum. Why? I guess because then I’d be more of a useful fuck toy than I am now and because my level of frustration would increase then.
Insane? Fuck yeah. But I really try to figure out that being aroused by the dirtiest things is OK. That’s one thing I really wish for in 2016, you know, allowing myself to be that brazen, that insane, that constantly horny and fixated on fucking. I was not born, I was made that way.
I’ll do anything, Sir.