I need to write some things down, because I feel overwhelmed by it all.
Probably it’s ridiculous that it took me so long to find a compact term for what’s going on inside of me, but when a friend uttered it, I felt like “wooops?!!”. Cross-dressing. I have come upon this term so often, but never used it for myself. I don’t get why and I think it doesn’t matter, but know I feel comfortable with it. So, I’m a cross-dresser and live out my feminine side with being Ginny. Moreover, I’m obviously a kind of sexual transvestite, because I get turned on by female clothes as well. Thanks again to W and thanks for understanding that I needed a term for it!
Yesterday, when I was at work, there occured a stupid situation I would have liked to avoid. Usually I get along with our customers very well. Some explicitely asked for me to serve them, because they like me and that flatterns me of course. I like my job and I seem to know what people want or need before they know it themselves, so I guess being a waiter and shop assistant is the right kind of job for me. But there are also people I don’t really get along with well and I try to avoid them. Most of them remind me of my father, for example because or their gestures, their voice or even their smell. Some of them trigger bad memories, but usually I’m able to cope with it or to go away and tell my boss I can’t handle it. She know about what my father did and we have an agreement that I tell her when I can’t serve a person.
Yesterday, there was a customer who was very rude. It’s an elderly man who obviously has issues with not being able to do anything he’d like to. He was very rude to me and started to make comments about me. First, I thought I was stupid, like, why would he say that? I just tried to stay cool and kind and just do my job, but that seemed to provoke him. So, he got louder and meaner and that was pure stress for me. I was a bit shaky, but my boss was not there. I was alone in the café with just another colleague in the shop-area. I thought, come on, don’t be silly, you can cope with him. But he kept complaining about his coffee which was “too cold” and about anything else. I didn’t want to debate with him, so I apologised for the cold coffee (which was hot!!) and brought a new one. Still, my boss wasn’t there. The man shouted for more sugar, and I brought him some, asking as polite as I could if I could do something else for him. He didn’t even look at me and just said something extremely rude. I think of myself as a kind person and I can take a lot, but that was so mean, it just left me speechless. I went into the kitchen and had to cry. When my boss came in, she asked what had happened and I told her. She went over to that man and said that he needn’t pay for his coffee, but that she wants him to leave and only come back if he had learned better manners. I love my boss for her courage!
You know, it’s nothing new to me, getting called names because of my mere existence, but it’s always a shock-moment if it happens. It made me sad and feeling unomfortable in my own skin. I felt like a worthless, ugly person, a ridiculous thing, not a real man nor a kind of woman, just ugly and fucked up. It made me so, so sad. I was really glad when my shift was over. I lack souvereignty in those moments. In the evening, my brother called and I told him about that man, because he heard something was wrong with me. And he said that I should take good care for myself, because out there are so many people who will never accept me as a gay and cross-dressing person. I could hear he was worried about me, but moreover, I could hear he accepts just what I am, even if we often have our issues with each other. That finally made a bad day good. Sigh.