Reminder

Yesterday, I needed to buy some small things for our holidays, such as sun block. When I returned to the car, I came across some homeless. They asked me for money and I gave them what I had handy. I always try to give them, but I almost can’t bear how they remind me of myself. But I always ask myself whether that is still me? It seems like running away from my father and rather living among the homeless took place in another lifetime. When I think about how easy it would have been to get lost, to become an alcoholic and to die in the cold, I feel sick. I was lucky, because my brother went to search for me after our father had committed suicide. If he had not been there for me, where would I be today?

Homeless always have so much to tell and their stories don’t really vary a lot. It’s always about abuse, about loss of profession or family and of finally losing one’s self-respect. Drinking or taking drugs doesn’t sort the problems out, and some have massive issues with their mental health.

When I returned home, with that smell of dirty clothes, sweat, urine and cigarettes still in my nose, I didn’t feel good because of all I have now. It was just a reminder of where I come from. I just hope I will never get there again. It makes me grateful and dare I say, I little bit proud of myself. I have a job, I earn my own money, even if it’s not much. I do my chores, I don’t drink or smoke or take drugs, I am clean and take care for me. I go to see my therapist, I eat regularly, I don’t sell myself anymore. I take care for my husband, I wash my clothes, I try to be a good person.

I feel sorry for them and I wish I could do something about it, but I know that some of them have even lost their sight of another lifestyle. Some just give in. It’s the shame and that you lose hope. You lose yourself.

I guess today’s entry is a bit odd, but I just want to write this down as a reminder for myself that I have really survived what he did and that I have a life worth living now.

2 thoughts on “Reminder

  1. mondfeuer says:

    I don´t think it´s odd, i think it is of great value for yourself, that you are able to see the way you made, and also to see what you have managed and are able to do for yourself. Especially the fact, that you care for yourself. This is great!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s