I want to share some stories connected with our 24/7-lifestyle, occasions that make clear we don’t lead a normal relationship. But first of all I thought it could be interesting to take a look at how it all came together.
When John entered the shop at the very first time, I could tell he was dominant. Ok, I know, people who claim to be able to see or sense whether others are gay, sub, dom or whatever always get to hear that this isn’t possible, and I admit that maybe it’s just wishful thinking 🙂 But having met so many Doms or wannabe-doms in my life, I had that certain knowledge. I call it knowledge because it’s more than just a feeling. It’s a look and then this cognition. And obviously, it’s hard to describe.
There are so many guys out there who claim to be doms, but when you take a further look, they just take that so called dominance as an excuse for being bossy and treating people like assholes or for hurting people physically and mentally, without even thinking about the consequences. I think all of us subs who really strive to be owned and dominated dream of a Dom who possesses that natural dominance without being arrogant. I personally believe that the ideal Dom is someone who is self-reliant and doesn’t need to be mean to others in order to elevate himself. An ideal Dom is a person who is kind, reliable and responsible. He is centered in himself, so he can accept and cherish the gift of submission, and therefore respects or even loves his sub.
With that being said, I still think I could see at the first glance that John was dominant. You know, some guys seem very dominant when you first meet them, but when you get to know them, you find out that that’s just a kind of masquerade because their true self is insecure or even sub. Well, even Doms may have a certain insecurity about some things, but that’s humane, I think. But I’m talking about guys pretending to be a tiger and turning out to be a cuddly cat 🙂 When John and I started seeing each other and it got clear that we liked each other, there were certain hints of his dominance. To be honest, it’s hard to figure that out and put it into words. Would it be sufficient if I just said that every word and every gesture expressed that he was comfortable in his body and mind? My friend W once said there are persons who constantly express a question mark and others who are more like a dot or even an exclamation mark. That hits the point, I guess.
More than in everyday life, his dominant attitude got clear when we were in bed. The very first time we had sex, I told him that I’ve got scars, and he just said that he would not ask until I wanted to talk about it, and he just wanted to know whether it would hurt me if he touched them. We didn’t need to talk about who is the receiving part. That was no question at all. I guess that got clear by just being together. I think I’m not good in hiding my submissive attitude anyway, but when I’m fucked, I totally open up and let go. I think he liked it when he saw me giving in and savouring being taken. It was not long until things got a bit rougher.
In retrospective, I’d say that the majority of things were negotiated without even needing to talk about them. But certainly we came to a point where we told each other what we liked and needed and where our limits were. He told me that all his relationships ended sooner or later because nobody was the resilient partner he was looking for and that he had given up hope to find a partner who’d fit his sadistic needs. I was honest and told him that I was abused long-term and that I had a bunch of problems connected to that, like PTSD, issues with self-harm and eating-disorders and so on, and that I craved to be owned, but that I knew there might arise further problems, for example losing myself in that BDSM-thing. He said, he could destroy me (and I knew he could), but that he always thought of Doms who destroy already physically and mentally abused and injured subs as nasty fuckers who deserve to be spanked to death LOL I guess it’s a tightrope walk, you know, to find that RIGHT balance between giving your injured sub what he really needs, but on the other hand taking care not to cause any further damage or even help him heal. And John said, he would not want to cause any damage to me, because that would not fit his kind of codex, because he liked my brother (and he would dismiss him if he didn’t do me good) and last but not least, because he really liked me.
The rules I live by nowadays didn’t come overnight. We had to find out what works for the two of us and I admit that I liked John stretching my borders every now and then. Because sometimes I don’t dare to try something new and he just makes me do it. For example, when we had just met, chastity was only a fantasy, but he offered me the possibility to experiment with it and we found we both really like it. It could have turned out that we don’t like it, then we would have dismissed it. And I think that’s true for all things that have become part of our 24/7-relationship. I guess we still like to try new things and therefore our relationship goes on developing.
I think it’s impossible to meet someone and decide “let’s make it 24/7!”. It’s got to grow, you may makes mistakes, you may leave some things behind and come up with new things, you might learn a lot about yourself and your partner, you are free to find out what fits you best. I personally needed quite a while to wrap my thoughts around the fact that serving a sadistic man who hits me in the face whenever and makes me piss myself if he’s in the mood is not “really” self-harm, but moreover a kind of self-care. Am I completely in peace with being a masochistic, submissive sissy slut cumwhore? Not at all! But it helps to know that I haven’t made myself and that my overall disposition might even be in my genes.
I’m sorry, this one got longer than intended, but I hope it helps figuring out how that 24/7-relationship came to be.