General Exhaustion

At the moment, I am just strung out. Things have been busy at work and John had some tasks for me that were really exhausting. Sometimes I think I should go to see my GP and have him check me, but then again I think if I’d only sleep better, much would be won. I guess sleeping not so well and most times only little leads inevitably to general exhaustion.

The past few weeks have been rough for me either, because I was thinking about some changes in my everyday life. The longer I keep crossdressing, the more I like and need it. Sometimes, when I dress like Blaubeermann (jeans, shirt), I am really frustrated and sad, because I feel it would be more appropriate to dress like Ginny. Some days, it even feels like disguising myself to put on those Blaubeermann-clothes for work or other appointments. I am blessed with the best friends one could ask for, and W, M, S and C all give me the opportunity to wear whatever I like when we meet. When I came out to S and C, they just smiled and said they had suspected that long-term, and they made it very easy for me to feel comfortable being Ginny. And W and M knew about it from the beginning on.

I regard those friendships as safe spots in my crossdressing life, just like my relationship to John, and I highly appreciate all of them for their support. But I can’t overlook the fact that it takes more and more effort to go to work as Blaubeermann only. On most days, it’s OK, but there are some days when I feel heart-broken and just wrong. I have the best boss I could wish for. She accepts my nails and my girly jewlery and I guess she wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m crossdressing, but I am still reluctant to tell her. And then, there’s my brother. I think he still hopes for all that gurly stuff to disappear. On the other hand, he knows I’m broken-minded and regards anything that keeps me calm and happy as helpful.

All in all, I feel the need to build up courage to move on. And that’s just exhausting.


Fifty Shades Of WTF

On Saturday, John and I were invited over to W’s and M’s. M cooked a very nice Italian dish with eggplant and afterwards, we watched Fifty Shades Of Grey. Neither of us knew the movie before, but as I had mentioned it on my blog lately and W had read that, he suggested we should watch it. If you don’t want to read about the movie, I’ll give you the short version: nice evening, bland movie.

If you want to read more, here we go (spoiler alert!).

The first thing that really made me cringe was the so called dom (Christian) right away. He was portrayed as a 27 y.o. billionaire, who, when he was 15, had a BDSM-relationship with a friend of his mom’s, in which he was the sub. But even after being a sub for several years, he didn’t develop any competence in dealing with an unexperienced sub. When he meets his sub (Anna), he steps over so many borders that I stopped counting. As if being a Dom equals being overbearing. John later suggested that BDSM-unexperienced people might indeed think so. I get his point, but for me, that Christian is just a jerk and I couldn’t understand why Anna falls in love with him.

The next thing I found superfluous was that Anna still is a virgin when she meets Christian, although she is in her midtwenties. W suggested that for a woman, keeping her virginity for her husband is believed to be of caliber in the U.S. He said that when Anna had Christian take her virginity, she submitted to him on a higher level, or at least that’s what’s indicated. Moreover, it is alluded to the fact that they later get married, not in that movie, but I’ve read how the story develops in the two following books).  I understood that, but having lost my virginity that early, I guess that just didn’t get through to me. Though that movie made me think about my own virginity, but that’s another story.

So, with Anna being a virgin, the first thing Mr super-dom needs to do is to sleep with her like her lover and not like her dom. After telling her all the way that he could never be aroused by normal sex. Even after handing her a “slave contract”. Uhm. Really? What was intended by that? Showing her how real he was about being her dom? How super-unimpressed he was by normal sex? I don’t get it and think that was just ridiculous.

Than that “slave contract”. Obviously Anna is the 16th to sign that thing, but she is hesitant to really do so. I mean, how can a Dom of caliber hand such a thing to a sub without the slightest experience and really believe that shit could be more than just a joke? O.K., she tells him that there’ll be no fisting, but what about all the other thing she has never even tried once before in her life? Damn, no! That thing really had me cringe and moan.

The next thing that really made me feel sick was Christian repelling Anna again and again, but always coming back for her when she really tries to do without him. Like “you should not fall in love with me…’s a super-romantic present from me”. WTF?! Is that supposed to be a Dom?

The next thing I found disappointing was the actual “BDSM”-practice. Of course I know that that movie was made for normal people and perhaps it just proves how deep I’m into that lifestyle, but I thought of it as not dominant at all to blindfold her and cuddle her. Am I wrong? At the end of the movie, Anna demands Christian to do to her what he really wants when he talks about punishing her. And she gets what she has asked for, namely six hard strikes on her butt, resulting in her leaving him. I mean, seriously? That was what she had asked for and what probably is a part of that contract LOL

I was disappointed by that movie and I didn’t feel good about the thought of many people watching that shit and thinking just being a jerk would equal being dominant. John said that movie actually didn’t make him as mad as me, but that this contract still is a joke. And he added “we don’t need a contract, right? You just have one rule: do as I say. That’s not so hard to remember, is it?”. Not at all 🙂

Did you watch that movie? What do you think about it?