At the moment, I am just strung out. Things have been busy at work and John had some tasks for me that were really exhausting. Sometimes I think I should go to see my GP and have him check me, but then again I think if I’d only sleep better, much would be won. I guess sleeping not so well and most times only little leads inevitably to general exhaustion.
The past few weeks have been rough for me either, because I was thinking about some changes in my everyday life. The longer I keep crossdressing, the more I like and need it. Sometimes, when I dress like Blaubeermann (jeans, shirt), I am really frustrated and sad, because I feel it would be more appropriate to dress like Ginny. Some days, it even feels like disguising myself to put on those Blaubeermann-clothes for work or other appointments. I am blessed with the best friends one could ask for, and W, M, S and C all give me the opportunity to wear whatever I like when we meet. When I came out to S and C, they just smiled and said they had suspected that long-term, and they made it very easy for me to feel comfortable being Ginny. And W and M knew about it from the beginning on.
I regard those friendships as safe spots in my crossdressing life, just like my relationship to John, and I highly appreciate all of them for their support. But I can’t overlook the fact that it takes more and more effort to go to work as Blaubeermann only. On most days, it’s OK, but there are some days when I feel heart-broken and just wrong. I have the best boss I could wish for. She accepts my nails and my girly jewlery and I guess she wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m crossdressing, but I am still reluctant to tell her. And then, there’s my brother. I think he still hopes for all that gurly stuff to disappear. On the other hand, he knows I’m broken-minded and regards anything that keeps me calm and happy as helpful.
All in all, I feel the need to build up courage to move on. And that’s just exhausting.