General Exhaustion

At the moment, I am just strung out. Things have been busy at work and John had some tasks for me that were really exhausting. Sometimes I think I should go to see my GP and have him check me, but then again I think if I’d only sleep better, much would be won. I guess sleeping not so well and most times only little leads inevitably to general exhaustion.

The past few weeks have been rough for me either, because I was thinking about some changes in my everyday life. The longer I keep crossdressing, the more I like and need it. Sometimes, when I dress like Blaubeermann (jeans, shirt), I am really frustrated and sad, because I feel it would be more appropriate to dress like Ginny. Some days, it even feels like disguising myself to put on those Blaubeermann-clothes for work or other appointments. I am blessed with the best friends one could ask for, and W, M, S and C all give me the opportunity to wear whatever I like when we meet. When I came out to S and C, they just smiled and said they had suspected that long-term, and they made it very easy for me to feel comfortable being Ginny. And W and M knew about it from the beginning on.

I regard those friendships as safe spots in my crossdressing life, just like my relationship to John, and I highly appreciate all of them for their support. But I can’t overlook the fact that it takes more and more effort to go to work as Blaubeermann only. On most days, it’s OK, but there are some days when I feel heart-broken and just wrong. I have the best boss I could wish for. She accepts my nails and my girly jewlery and I guess she wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m crossdressing, but I am still reluctant to tell her. And then, there’s my brother. I think he still hopes for all that gurly stuff to disappear. On the other hand, he knows I’m broken-minded and regards anything that keeps me calm and happy as helpful.

All in all, I feel the need to build up courage to move on. And that’s just exhausting.


2 thoughts on “General Exhaustion

  1. mondfeuer says:

    Do whatever makes you feel better 😉

    And about the exhaustion (is this even a word?) what about your vitamin d?
    I have pushed my very high and i´m a bit better since then, maybe it could help you, even with depression and sleep 😉

    And if you like it, try 5drops essential lavender oil on a spoon good oliveoil before bedtime, it helps calming down, relaxing and falling asleep.

    best wishes to you

  2. blaubeermann says:

    Yes, exhaustion is actually a word 🙂 Sorry for causing confusion.

    Due to my GP, my blood results are excellent. To be honest, I have considered going back on medication, at least for a while. The past few years were OK without, but for about a year now I’ve been thinking about it. I sleep awfully and struggle with a lot of things in everyday life. On the other hand, I’m reluctant to go back on medication, because I had to stuggle with side-effects like lack of libido and being tired.

    My therapist says that he’s willing to prescribe me an antidepressant as soon as I want to. I don’t know.
    I feel it would be helpful to sort out if it’s possible to be Ginny more often without getting into trouble. You see, my boss is highly aware in those gender-questions (and I have a transgender co-worker as well), but I don’t want to be mistaken as a transwoman or so. I just want to play around without fearing I could ever regret that.

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