I am back into my submissive mode. The past few weeks have been exceptional tender and cuddly, but now, with that referendum pending, John has so much work to do that when he makes it home, he is angry and tired and doesn’t give a fuck about me or my needs. When things change that abruptly, I sometimes feel strange. In one moment I was his beloved partner, in the next I’m just his fuck toy, his whore. He is working hard and he expects me to function properly. He doesn’t want to hear about my day or how it was at work, he just wants his home to be run perfectly, he wants food he likes and he wants rough sex whenever, wherever he likes it. He spanks and slaps me, pushes me around, uses me like an object, yells at me, calls me names. Maybe I’m a bad person, but at night, when he’s already asleep and I feel my skin and my asshole hurt, and while I wear my collar and know I should feel abused, all I feel is love. I know he isn’t angry with me, he’s just stressed out, and I’m glad I can help him relax. And, to be honest, it turns me on beyond belief to be treated like the whore I am. I don’t know if I deserve to be treated like that, but I am lucky to have a Dom who loves me enough to beat the shit out of me. At the moment, I don’t want to think about the conflicts that will cause, I just want to savour this intense feeling of being his property, his useless cunt, his cum dumpster and his punching bag. Love hurts.
I’m back a bit earlier than planned, but as soon as the results from the referendum were out, John’s cellphone didn’t turn quiet and he decided we must return home. I’m a bit sad about that, I had loved to stay for longer, but of course I support him.
It’s a bit hard to put my last one and a half week down into some sentences. First of all, we both have difficulties in re-adjusting to everyday life. Our holidays were gorgeous. I’ve heard so much about Britain and have several friends who are in love with the UK that I was wondering what it is all about, and now I know. Clearly the first thing that comes into my mind is that the English are very polite! I guess I can understand much better now what it is all about that “Gentleman thing” in John. It just comes naturally to him. Then, it’s an amazing country with so many beautiful places. The sea, of course, and all those small villages and untamed woods, all the green and the beautiful sky. The English houses are something I needed to get used to. They are built with smaller rooms than German houses, but John explained that most of the British family life takes place in the livingroom, so I get that. There was a lot going on concerning the referendum and you could feel that people were excited and anxious, especially after they published the results.
We had a beautiful lodge just for us, among old birch trees, only 2 mins away from the sea. I had planned to make dinner there most times, but it turned out that most times we went out for dinner or were invited to friends of John. I didn’t complain about that 🙂 In the mornings, we often woke up with the birds and just lay there, holding hands or cuddling and occasionally falling asleep again. It was intense and beautiful, spending so much time with a relaxed John. Clearly he misses the UK and obviously the UK misses him, too. I have met so many nice people he knows from his childhood and adolescence that I wondered how ever he could leave for Switzerland/Germany. He said he needed to get out.
He showed me around his hometown and even the house he lived in as a child and until his parents died. I guess seeing that house again made him somehow sad, and because of that we talked a lot about another person he has lost too early. I suggested he might go to his grave, but John was hesitant, I didn’t force him. He needed to be alone for a while and while he was taking a walk through the woods, I went shopping. In the evening, he told me that he has thought it over and wanted to go to the graveyard, but not alone. He asked me to accompany him, which made me very proud! On the next day, we bought a bouquet with roses and lilies and went to his grave. I don’t want to tell too much, but I could clearly see how much John still misses him. Ugh…
Meeting friends of John’s again was so much fun. They told me some stories I had never heard before, and I guess my sweet husband was quite a brat back in his childhood 😀 I was surprised to find none of his old friends were irritated about John being gay, which made me feel very comfortable and relaxed. One woman said that she was sad when she found out because she wanted to be his girlfriend back then 🙂 To be honest, meeting all those nice people who obviously like John made me a bit sad. I guess if I met someone I knew in my childhood, he’d just say I was scum, and probably he’d be right.
One day, we made a trip 70 miles away and for that occasion John asked me to dress gurlish. He knew I felt the urge to, but he had asked me not to do so when meeting his friends and being around his hometown, so I just loved to put make up and a skirt on. It was quite windy and chilly that day, so I wore leggings with my skirt and a jacket. That felt so good! We went sight-seeing and had a nice walk along the beach, then had tea in a cozy tea room, where John read the newspaper and I wrote postcards to friends. In the evening, he invited me to a seaside restaurant, and there I had my first draught of wine in some years now. It was strange, because I felt so well with that, like being a someone, finally, who is able to enjoy wine without falling for alcohol or having to binge-drink. I might drink a bit every now and then, and obviously my stomach was O.K. as well! I guess so many things have changed for me, I might even try some cheese! But I don’t want to rush it anyway.
Speaking of sex, our holidays were gorgeous, but nevertheless exhausting, too 🙂 John had decided that I should put a plug in place as soon as I lay down on the bed and count the hours. He said he’d reward my effort in the end. That way he made sure I was eager to use that plug and I was horny most of the time. As accurate as he is, he made me count hours and minutes and add them up in the end. I was glad my cellphone could do that for me 🙂 All in all, I accomplished almost 78 hours and when we had packed our bags, he handed me the plus again and said if I’d wear it until we were home and until 85 hours were complete, then he’d have a nice little something for me. Ugh! But I did it and now I know that having a plug up your ass doesn’t bother the security checks at the airport 🙂 When we arrived home and I had unpacked the bags, he presented me with another bead for my bracelet, so beautiful! That’s the most amazing souvenir I could have wished for and I love it!
On the other hand, I somehow pity myself, because during the whole trip, Love didn’t sleep with me. He just made me suck him off, sometimes five times a day. Of course I enjoyed it, but giving head and masturbating is not quite the same as having sex with him…but I don’t want to sound unthankful, because I appreciate that he allowed me to climax whenever I wanted to. I don’t know why, but the more I’m Ginny, the less important my own orgasm becomes. Of course I still like cumming, but sometimes I’m all satisfied with just being stimulated and then denied.
All in all, I am so thankful that John allowed me to explore my borders concerning travelling. I would have never thought I’d be able to see so much and travel so far. John suggested we might fly to Thailand in autumn, and that I should go and apply for a passport and have my vaccinations checked. I don’t know if all that’s possible until autumn, but he said if it doesn’t work that quickly, then we’ll go there next spring! I can’t believe it and am scared like hell just thinking about that long flight, but on the other hand it would be a dream coming true. Especially because Thailand is known for its acceptance of gurls. But for now, I’m back home. Now I’ll order pictures online and make a photo album out of them.
Just a quick note. John and I will be leaving tomorrow for the UK. I’m so excited! It’ll be the first time I see my Love’s homeland and even his hometown. He has promised to show me around and introduce me to some places he has loved when he still lived there. He has made some appointments for us and I’m eager to meet people who knew him as a child 🙂
I know I haven’t been posting regularly lately, but I didn’t want to rush off without a note. So, have a good time and see you in two weeks 🙂
Yesterday, I had a chat with my boss about wearing gurlish stuff for work. I was so excited that I was shaking 🙂 She offered to have a short walk around the gardens and I was glad to move my feet while trying to say what I needed. She listened to me, then considered my words. She then thanked me for my trust and said that if it was just about her, she didn’t have any difficulties with me wearing a dress. But she said that she doubts that some of my co-workers and some of our customers would understand why I wear a dress and what that means to me. She said she fears that I could get bullied and that this might affect the whole atmosphere at work. On the other hand, she said, we can’t be certain about who would react in which way and that all in all everybody accepts me having my nails done and wearing my bracelet.
“Is that more than just a hobby?”, she wanted to know. I had feared that question, because I thought all I could tell her would sound stupid and because all in all I still don’t feel any gender-related pressure. And even if we know each other for quite a while now, she surely doesn’t know about certain aspects of my relationship… But of course she knows about what my father did and that I’m mentally disabled. She needs to know in order to react correctly in times I get triggered or just can’t accomplish my tasks. So I simply said that yes, it’s more than a hobby, though I don’t feel like a woman, but more like a guy with a stong feminine part of self. She nodded.
“Listen, I’m OK with you wearing whatever you like to wear for work. I appreciate you for your kindness towards each and everybody and for your excellent service” (she really said “exzellent”, wow!) “But you should consider that well. You know some of your co-workers and some customers might be irritated and I don’t want you to get hurt. Apart from that, do whatever makes you happy”.
I was so relieved! I thanked her many times.
Now, I feel like the pressure has disappeared. I know she’s right and that I should take care for myself in order not to get bullied, but I’m so happy that she puts trust in me and that she has allowed me to dress gurlish if I want to. As soon as John is home again, we will talk it over. I thought, I might give it a slow start with just a colourful tee or so.
On Friday when I met my therapist, he offered me a not so light sleeping pill, because I told him how exhausted and tired I am and how badly I’ve been sleeping for a while now. I agreed. The funny thing is: since having those pills at home, I sleep better. I guess they take a lot of the pressure from me, because I know in case I can’t get to sleep, I can take one of them. After three nights in a row with about 7 hours of sleep, I feel refreshed and calm today. So good! And the best thing: today I have nothing to do except for my chores at home, which are already done. So I thought I could come here and write a bit about things I like 🙂
Yesterday, John left for New York and he won’t return before next week. I already miss him very much. The past few months have been fab. We have found a pace to run our relationship with all our different needs and desires, and I feel very good at the moment concerning our partnership. I guess the longer you know a person, the better you can adjust to their needs and their personality, so that everyday life gets much smoother than it was in the beginning. When I started being Ginny, he somehow pushed me over the border. I didn’t dare to give in to these needs until he said if I wore a lace panty, then he’d give me a BJ…so I did. I thought I did it for him, but actually I did it for me, or for both of us.
I have found new friends who are also sissies or crossdressers and it’s so good to be able to talk to guys who feel similar. It helps a lot to be able to be open about anything and have someone to talk to when I’m confused about certain aspects. For example, I have a strong need to be Ginny. It’s like a pressure building up and in case I’m not able to be her, I get frustrated and even depressive. I thought that’s weird, but actually a lot of crossdressers feel that way. It’s got nothing to do with any sort of gender confusion, it’s just the urgent need to live and act out this part of self.
Moreover, I’ve found that I’m by far not the only one who wishes for real boobs and is quite fed up with wearing those silicone boobs. I have tried pumping them, but the effects just fade away if you’re not doing it daily or even some times a day. And to be honest, pumping just doesn’t get them big. I know for sure that I don’t want to go with a hormone treatment, because I’m just not a female trapped in a male body, but I don’t know if plastic surgery is what I could want. And even though I really want boobs, I wonder how I could justify that… I mean, most times I’m still living as Blaubeermann, right? On the other hand, there are men who had plastic surgery for boobs, and to me, they still look very manly. When I try to think these things over, I fail to wrap my thoughts around them LOL
What I really want to accomplish is to build up the courage to talk to my boss about her thoughts concerning me crossdressing at work. You know, I think I work in a very open-minded environment with a lot of people with special needs and handicaps, but I don’t know if she’d be OK with me wearing a skirt. But the longer I wish for that, the stronger the desire gets. It would be awesome to go to work in a skirt and shirt on hot days. W says that it’s all about being convincingly female, not about being actual female. I hope that’ll work for me. I’m quite lean and obviously my “swishy” behaviour helps to be read as a female. Of course I don’t want to disturb or scare customers away! And sooner or later, I want to deal with being Ginny when I’m together with my brother and my sister-in-law as well. I don’t want to provoke, I just want to be me.
For the next weekend, I have made an appointment with Andrea, the crossdressing gurl I once met when shopping. We’ll have tea, talk, do our nails and whatelse gurls like to do….probably even sucking some cock LOL I just wish John was with us, but I’ll send him some pics 🙂