On Friday when I met my therapist, he offered me a not so light sleeping pill, because I told him how exhausted and tired I am and how badly I’ve been sleeping for a while now. I agreed. The funny thing is: since having those pills at home, I sleep better. I guess they take a lot of the pressure from me, because I know in case I can’t get to sleep, I can take one of them. After three nights in a row with about 7 hours of sleep, I feel refreshed and calm today. So good! And the best thing: today I have nothing to do except for my chores at home, which are already done. So I thought I could come here and write a bit about things I like 🙂
Yesterday, John left for New York and he won’t return before next week. I already miss him very much. The past few months have been fab. We have found a pace to run our relationship with all our different needs and desires, and I feel very good at the moment concerning our partnership. I guess the longer you know a person, the better you can adjust to their needs and their personality, so that everyday life gets much smoother than it was in the beginning. When I started being Ginny, he somehow pushed me over the border. I didn’t dare to give in to these needs until he said if I wore a lace panty, then he’d give me a BJ…so I did. I thought I did it for him, but actually I did it for me, or for both of us.
I have found new friends who are also sissies or crossdressers and it’s so good to be able to talk to guys who feel similar. It helps a lot to be able to be open about anything and have someone to talk to when I’m confused about certain aspects. For example, I have a strong need to be Ginny. It’s like a pressure building up and in case I’m not able to be her, I get frustrated and even depressive. I thought that’s weird, but actually a lot of crossdressers feel that way. It’s got nothing to do with any sort of gender confusion, it’s just the urgent need to live and act out this part of self.
Moreover, I’ve found that I’m by far not the only one who wishes for real boobs and is quite fed up with wearing those silicone boobs. I have tried pumping them, but the effects just fade away if you’re not doing it daily or even some times a day. And to be honest, pumping just doesn’t get them big. I know for sure that I don’t want to go with a hormone treatment, because I’m just not a female trapped in a male body, but I don’t know if plastic surgery is what I could want. And even though I really want boobs, I wonder how I could justify that… I mean, most times I’m still living as Blaubeermann, right? On the other hand, there are men who had plastic surgery for boobs, and to me, they still look very manly. When I try to think these things over, I fail to wrap my thoughts around them LOL
What I really want to accomplish is to build up the courage to talk to my boss about her thoughts concerning me crossdressing at work. You know, I think I work in a very open-minded environment with a lot of people with special needs and handicaps, but I don’t know if she’d be OK with me wearing a skirt. But the longer I wish for that, the stronger the desire gets. It would be awesome to go to work in a skirt and shirt on hot days. W says that it’s all about being convincingly female, not about being actual female. I hope that’ll work for me. I’m quite lean and obviously my “swishy” behaviour helps to be read as a female. Of course I don’t want to disturb or scare customers away! And sooner or later, I want to deal with being Ginny when I’m together with my brother and my sister-in-law as well. I don’t want to provoke, I just want to be me.
For the next weekend, I have made an appointment with Andrea, the crossdressing gurl I once met when shopping. We’ll have tea, talk, do our nails and whatelse gurls like to do….probably even sucking some cock LOL I just wish John was with us, but I’ll send him some pics 🙂