In the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about aggression/submission and our kind of relationship. Being overpowered is one of my biggest turn ons, yet one of my worst experiences. I do want it, but from a certain state of being overpowered on, I can no longer keep a healthy distance to my feelings. From there on I really need John to be in charge and decide what’s best for me, and we both know it would be very easy for him to lead me into self-destruction and irreversible damage.

But to be honest, he has already done irreversible damage to me, and I wanted it, I like it and I feel I needed it. Being brutally spanked and caned  for years leaves marks and my butt-cheeks are scarred. I wanted it that way, because I wanted John to cover the scars my father left. I’d want him to cover every single one of them if that was possible. I like everyone can see these love-marks on me, and they are a constant reminder for me that I am his slut. His whore. His.

Sometimes when W and I talk, my thoughts wander. When we were lovers, he said he couldn’t do to me what I wanted and needed and now, having stepped so often over this border, I know exactly what he was talking about back then. To be honest, I think I crossed the point of safe return years ago. It didn’t take long to cross it after I had met John. He is so seductive and can do the worst things to me with a kind smile that makes my knees weak and my clitty hard in an instance. Have I ever considered coming back at all? On Friday, when I had my therapeutic session, I said that I always thought I imght go back to normal…until I found out that I’ve never been normal. Would normal turn me on, fulfill me? Not at all.

I am not surprised to find that certain thoughts do take their toll. I have only one person to talk that over apart from John and some internet-friends, and this is W. So I took courage and told him that the longer I think about starting hormone replacement therapy, the more I want it and the more my concerns vanish. I know I’m not transgender, I feel like a man and I don’t regard my cock as the wrong genital, but I miss having real tits, even though I like those silicone boobs. They are O.K. and they help a lot, but I envy those transsexual women who develop real boobs, and I feel the strong urge to be like them. I asked W whether he thinks that makes me less of a man. He gave me such a kind answer! He said he believes that we’re living in a time when the borders between the genders vanish, slowly but for sure, and that in some years it might be easier for people like me. He regards me as a man with a strong and beautiful feminine side. Oh my, that was cute 🙂

I doubt that I could get hormones without being able to assure my doctors I am living in the wrong body. W encouraged me to try to talk that over with my GP, but I don’t have much hope. After all, all my doctors know I have that PTSD and am mentally disabled and concerning what trans friends tell me, that doesn’t look too good for hormones. W convinced me to try it anyway, and he will even accompany me 🙂 But to be honest, I’m already taking other solutions into account. For sure I’m not going to eat a lot of tofu. Others have tried and they failed and even if I like tofu sometimes, I surely don’t like it enough to eat at least 1,2 kg of it per day! 🙂 I even consider getting plastic surgery, abroad, if neccessary and if German surgeons don’t feel capable to help me getting boobs. But I don’t want to think so far. First of all, I’m going to see my GP soon, hopefully in the coming days. Wish me luck, please.


2 thoughts on “Normal?

  1. mondfeuer says:

    *fingers crossed*

    I don´t know how this is to be managed, but i know that a lot of transwomen go to thailand to make the surgeries just because they have a lot of experience.
    A dear friend of mine (and sometimes my slave) is a transwomen (til now without the full transition) and she grew a big pair of really beautiful boobs just with the hormonreplacement and has nonetheless a big sexual appetite and her clitty gets also hard what often isn´t the way it works. Is there a way to get to these medics in other lands?

    • Blaubeermann says:

      Thank you, Mo 😀

      Thailand would be an option, maybe even Czech Republic. But in every case, that would mean silicone implants and I’m not done with my dream of natural boobs yet. Moreover, developing erectile dysfunction and shrinking are quite a turn on for me and surgery wouldn’t do that.

      I might get hormone treatment abroad, but I haven’t figured out yet whether that could be an option because not all drugs are safe to use and I surely don’t want to ruin my health. Of course I need to be careful anyway, because oestrogen can cause depression and anxiety and that would do me no good, so I think it would be better if I had a medic looking that over.

      If there is no way I can get hormone treatment in Germany with a medic checking, I’ll take having boob-surgery only into account.

      Writing that, I clearly doubt my mental sanity LOL I just hope my GP can help me figuring that out. My therapist is quite helpless here. He didn’t even really believe me that there are men who had boob surgery performed on them.

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