Submission A Gift?

I don’t recall how often I talked to my therapist about how I could perhaps change my sexual preferences and finally start to like things that are regarded as normal, such as having consensual sex and having a monogamous relationship. It seems like I have struggled with my preferences as long as I remember. When I was a kid, I thought that one day I’d be a good boy and start to like what others like, and I remember telling myself that I’d just “try out” those kinks connected with degradation, humuliation and pain. I still believed in that lie when I was much older, and I suffered because obviously I wasn’t able to develop a “normal” sexuality. Well, afterwards I sometimes really enjoy being held and cuddled, but not always, and I totally fail to feel anything but boredom during “normal” sex.

When I met John, I thought it was odd to have someone whose likes and needs fit mine so much. But still I thought that one fine day, with the help of God or whoever, I’d start to have a normal sexuality. I even tried to break myself of my usual thoughts and techniques which just caused severe erectile dysfunction LOL Those attempts never lasted for too long, until I started to crave pain and humiliation again.

Having been abused as a child and as a young man, I always thought of my sexuality as something evil. Like I didn’t deserve it, and moreover, like it didn’t belong to me! When John told me that he thinks of being submissive as a talent, a gift, that sounded odd to me. I guess my father despised me for being submissive and somehow liking what he did to me, and so did I. I didn’t see the beauty in being masochistic. It was a need, sure, but could it be more? My bad conscience almost killed me. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to like being dominated and I struggled so much…

John has never questioned being sadistic. He has had encounters with not so masochistic individuals that ended with a lot of confusion in his not-so-masochistic counterparts and with frustration for him, but he never thought he’d have to change in order to fit into the needs of others. He only thought of them being too weak to serve him. I guess that’s the big difference between us. Both of us have deviant affections, but we cope with them in completely different ways. While I always feel ashamed for what I need, he’s out and proud (and loud) with that. You can’t take what he gives to you? Then you’re weak and not worth the effort. Surely he won’t excuse. On the other hand, I do little more than excuse over and over again for what I am and what I need.

In Greece he let a guy use me who really beat the sh*t out of me, and I enjoyed it so much being spanked and relentlessly fucked that I climaxed several times without any direct stimulation. Later on, that guy told John that he must be proud of me and that it was a pleasure playing with a sub who really is a sub and not just a wannabe. I was so proud of myself that moment that it made me think. And it still keeps me thinking. What if I managed to keep being proud of being sub/masochistic and made peace with what I crave? I guess I could like my body and myself better and savour serving even more. Is it really neccessary to stay ashamed for being sub? What if John’s right and that’s a gift?

Mikonos

The other side of John working hard with 18-hours-days being a necessity is that he can spontaneously take a few days off every now and then, apart from his regular holidays. So on August 20th we flew off to Mikonos for ten days. I have not really gotten over my fear of flying yet, but I thinks it’s getting easier the more often I enter a plane.

I guess what I’ll keep in my heart and inner eye forever are the colours of that beautiful island: blue, white and pink. Well, of course there were more colours, but those were so shiny and beautiful. We were at the beach, hung out by the hotel’s pool and for some days, we had a hire car to look round the island. I guess Mikonos is the most attractive place to be in Greece for gay men from around the world, and it was very easy to get into contact with others. In every regard, you know.

Tomorrow, we’ll both be back at work, but for today’s evening we’ve invited A, M and my friends W and M over to have a look at all our photographs and eat selfmade moussaka and lamb chops with us 🙂

In the next days, I’ll post more. Sorry for being away without leaving a note here.