For a week now I’m back from the U.S. I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to say goodbye before I went away, but as soon as March was there I actually had no time for anything, because there was still so much to do, and when I was back, I needed some days to get back mentally as well, though I think I might still need some time to sort it all out.
But first things first: my toe has healed up nicely and I was surprised by how quick it went eventually.
To be honest, it’s really impossible to just say some words about my journey, even more because it was the first time I was away from home that far and without John. In some sort of way it might have been a life-changing experience, in other concerns I think it reminded me of certain things I already knew but I tend to forget every now and then. When the plane was over the Atlantic ocean and there was no land to be seen for hours, I felt unreal, lost between space and time. Everything I know was far away, and I was heading to a sort of uncertain future (at least for some days, but it felt different), and I was glad W was with me there and I could squeeze his hand some times. I felt like I had accomplished something that was never meant for me, and certain aspects of my life suddenly seemed so far away. I guess I felt like I am no longer the fearsome boy I once was, and I thought of my father and wondered if he ever would have thought I’d see America and dare to be that free, to travel almost alone to see a bit of the world and rise above what he had in mind for me?
Well, you can tell straight away that that experience made me thoughful 🙂
In some way the U.S. is exactly like we all knew it from the movies, in some other ways it’s very different from all these clichés. I found people are overall very friendly and open-minded, but that might be because W chose where we went and because we met so many people of his family and friends and so on. What hit me right after leaving the plane was the weather. It was quite warm and humid and I’m not used to that, even though W said that it was quite mild then 🙂
We stayed at W’s auntie’s and I was nervous to meet her, but within minutes she had made me feel at home and I was warmly welcomed to her place, just like she was my auntie as well. I had brought her a present and I think she liked it. One of her sons had kindly given his room to me, while W was sleeping in a room with his other cousin. You know, I’m a people pleaser and try to make feel people comfortable and I guess that helped to break the ice immediately. Nevertheless I needed three to five days to cope with being in a different time-zone and I wonder how people like W and John get along with that so well.
New Orleans is a fascinating city and the first thing that came into my mind was the word FUSION. How often had W used that word to describe the city and the area in general, and now I know exactly what he meant. On the one hand, New Orleans is very modern and W claims that this part of the city is more or less the same as in most big cities in the U.S., on the other hand it is somehow old-fashioned and traditional, maybe even because they like to keep it that way to add a certain flair and fulfil the expectations of all the visitors, I don’t know. On several nights, W and I met with members of his family and friends to explore the nightlife. It’s just amazing! There’s music everywhere, in the bars and even in the streets, and it fits so well into that place. And I guess it’s that music- and bar-culture most people immediately think of when they hear you’ve been to Nola 🙂
The other side of our trip was getting to know the more rural Louisiana whereas a part of W’s family lives away from New Orleans. W had organized a car for us and he drove us around, and we stayed several nights with another uncle of his. It was unreal to see the Mississippi and I was impressed by how huge that river actually is and how unreal the swamps are as well. It’s really a different kind of world there and I think I might have gotten a glimpse of how that landscape has influenced the people to become who they are now, and how much W’s spirituality is actually influenced by this landscape and its Devas or gods or however you want to name these energies as well, even though W now lives in Germany. I don’t know whether these gods were interested in me, but I thought I could sense them and I think I understand them better now and why it makes sense to deal with W’s gods the way he does. For example W always told me that a proper offering to certain gods or energies must contain the blood of a recently slaughtered animal. I always thought that this was odd and cruel, but having witnessed now that it’s part of the culture there to buy animals alive and home-slaughter them, it makes more sense to me (though I’d refuse to do so anyway).
In general I have learned a lot about W’s spirituality. He’s generous with his teachings anyway, but I had never really understood certains things, or I could never really connect to certain aspects. Having experienced this spirituality insitu now feels like finally having stepped through a door. Certain aspects of his belief always seemed spooky to me, like visiting graveyards to connect with the dead and gods that reside between them, and having experienced that sort of “rotten” charm each and everything automatically has in that land of swamps made it somehow easier to understand why death and symbols of death are so important. In some sorts it’s very different to my German heritage and I wasn’t surprised to finally think that all I have learned about W’s belief came alive there. To be honest, I myself felt a deep connection to W’s gods there as well, and to me it felt like for example the Jesus I experienced there with W is not the same like the Jesus that hung in the kitchen in my father’s house or in the churches in Germany. That “Voodoo Jesus” is more like a real person to me, with real characteristics, and I can talk to him and he would understand me, without the need for a priest between us. When we were back in New Orleans I got into a little shopping coma and bought some stuff to work with when I would be back home, like a little Jesus made of resin, prayer beads, candles, incense sticks and so on 🙂 W told me that he thinks Lord Shiva and that Jesus fit well together, as they’re both connected to the sun, the light, the fire and so on, and that’s what I feel as well. In fact, I can’t wait for summer and hope to deepen my spiritual life a bit more again.
The best things about our trip there certainly were getting to know all those kind people, the area around New Orleans and Louisiana in general (at least a bit), experiencing my ability to be away from home and all things I’m used to, the boost that trip gave my own spirituality and the possibilty to spend so much time with my best friend and get to know more about his origin.
The morning before we went off, John had put me into the Birdlock and put a plastic lock on it as well. I was frustrated because wanking actually is one of my few techniques to calm me down, but he insisted I would not be allowed out. On day 9 of our trip I was feeling really down for a reason and when I called John and he heard how done I was, he allowed me to cut the lock open and wank one time, then to lock me in again. He had sneaked a second plastic lock into my case, so that I was able to send him a picture of me being locked in again after I relieved myself. I thought that was cute 🙂
When we returned home, he picked me up at the airport (and M was there as well), and it just took until we were more or less alone in the parkdeck until he claimed what he had missed so long, but he let me wait for three more days until he allowed me out again. That was hard, but I loved every single second of it. It was good to be away, but it is good to be home again and an owned slut as well. I think all in all that trip again made clear what I ought to know anyway: I am his and I could never exist without his beautifully hurting kind of love. Moreover, it is good to be able to be Ginny again, because due to that idiot they now have ruling over them, I decided it would be much safer to travel as Blaubeermann only. I have missed my pretty gurly things 🙂