I don’t believe in equality, I never have and never will. Equality as a concept is at times interesting to think about, but I believe that those who claim all men were made equal refuse to see reality. Moreover, I don’t want equality, first because I can’t even think of being equal to a person like John, and then because it just feels wrong. I guess I would have got along quite well in older times when they still had that feudal system with peonage and all.
I have no doubt about the fact that I’d see the world with different eyes if I had not been brought up by my father and if I had more self-respect, but to be honest, I believe that a lot of people who had loving parents and are successful in life don’t believe in equality as well.
You know, I try to behave like a nice person, but it pisses me off so much if people who have totally different preconditions in their life judge about my relationship and tell me John is “abusive” and I should leave him. I personally define abuse as deeds that take place against the will of the sufferer, and I really don’t think anyone with brains could ever mix up education and abuse!
But I am a grown up person and I choose to have the relationship I have. I don’t need to be saved or awakened or illuminated or whatever. I choose to be John’s inferiour partner with less rights and less freedom because I WANT it. A normal relationship with equal partners like I tried to have with W is doomed to fail with me. It just doesn’t work. I don’t even want to be equal to my partner. And it’s so useless to fuss about whether or not I would like to have a normal, equal partnership if I had not been severly abused for 21 years. I have been, it changed my mind from normal to what you call insane, and I fucking found a way how to deal with it and get along with my life by CHOOSING not to be equal to my Master.
I voluntarily let John do what he likes to do, I endure the pain VOLUNTARILY. I’m O.K. with him having fun with others and ruling over my sexuality, I love to be treated like a worthless cumrag and that he tells me what to do. He TAKES care of me that way even if you prissy guys out there don’t get the point of our relationship. I’m so fed up with that.
Honestly, I wish I had the courage to tell this straight to the people’s faces who tell me I should leave the love of my life, because they can’t cope with seeing my swollen face or how obedient I behave towards John or that I don’t want equality. Dang!