The Other Side Of Chastity

Sometimes when I’m locked into one of my chastity devices, I feel a kind of panic. It might be weird to still feel this after all these years we play around with chastity now, but I think that depends on my general mood. When I’m anxious or nervous or get easily triggered, I mind being locked it much more than usually. Sometimes I fear the device could be to narrow and harm my clit or balls, somtimes I just panic when I think about the helplessness I experience when John holds the keys.

Most subs don’t talk about this other side of being kept chaste. Some pretend they have never experienced this feeling of panic and even anger, others just want to ignore it. If I try to ignore it, I might turn that much deranged that I pass out or feel the urge to hurt myself, and that’s no real option.

So, how do I cope with feelings of panic while being locked in? First of all, I try to remember to breathe steadily and calm, and believe it or not, but Yoga helps a lot with that. I try to tell myself that having the device on won’t restrict my breath or my blood circulation (because if it would, I would notice in an instance). Then I try to remember why exactly I wear the device: because it’s part of my devotion to my Master, because I offer him to control my lust and because I (usually) love to be under control.

I know, I always wrote “I try to …”, but in fact sometimes one things helps better to calm down than another. It depends. Sometimes the best thing is distraction and do something else like go for a run, listening to music or text with friends.

How do I cope with feelings of anger while being locked in? I find that I can reduce anger best when working out, so I run or do some physically demanding chores like mopping the floor or weeding. Anger can build up easily when being kept chaste for a while, because wanking is one of my relaxation methods. I need to take care for myself, because I tend to wanting to harm myself when I’m angry, and believe me, there are more ways than just cutting into my own skin. So when I feel the urge to hurt myself, I try working out and even hitting pillows or watching brutal movies.

The most important thing in coping with negative feelings while being kept chaste is talking to John. He needs to know how I feel, and very often he comes up with helpful ideas to relieve my pressure (which includes spanking, fucking and using me, of course). I find it very helpful to be able to adress what I feel and to be honest, I like it that he keeps on keeping me chaste even though I experience negative feelings. It would disturb the balance of our relationship if he would unlock me too easily. For me it’s very important to be allowed to make demanding, exhausting, even daunting experiences, because that makes me truly feel inferiour and as a worthy sub.


I’m Doing It!

Long time no see here. To be honest, the past weeks were so full of important and beautiful things that I neglected my blog, but obviously not too many people are reading here, so probably no one even noticed LOL

Our week in the UK was awesome. We had rented a cottage on the outskirts of Cambridge and during our stay I met some more of John’s friends from university and school. But mostly we just did a whole lot of nothing, like going for walks, going out for dinner, reading books by the river and stuff like that. I felt totally refreshed when we returned and found that getting on a plane is no longer a big deal for me 🙂

I guess the most important thing for me was that we were able to have really good, in-depth conversations about things that matter to me. For example boobs. Yes, I know I’ve been talking about wanting to have boobs like forever now and sometimes I still felt so horrible and insecure about all that. It’s one thing to dress up like a girl and the other to have surgery, right? I just could witness that over the months and years I got really mad, angry and jealous when I saw transgirls who take oestrogen develop boobs, while I can pump my wrists off with no real effect. I still really, really like the thought of taking oestrogen as well, because it would lower my sexual desire and shrink my cocklette while it would make my boobs grow, but as I have written before: in Germany it’s impossible to be allowed to take oestrogen while you aren’t a transgirl, and I would not want to risk any complications (especially with my depression and stuff) when I would take oestrogen from let’s say unsafe sources.

Surgery would change a lot for me. I’m used to be able to go without a shirt, though I never do that apart from at home or at sauna clubs or so, because my father left a lt of scars on me. With boobs, there’s no way to go without a shirt, even if I wanted to. Usually I never get mistaken for a woman, and even if I’ve gotten better with my body language and all, you can still tell I’m a crossdressing man. With boobs, I’m not so sure about that. The problem is that I’m a shy guy, believe it or ot. I can cope with being fucked publically and being treated like a whore with 50 others witnessing that, but I’m not sure how well I could deal with having no chance to keep myself from being noticed. Gender-bending is still a thing, and it’s comfortable that I just need to take off my make up and dress up in jeans and shirt to be a “real man” again. Or at least as long as I don’t show my nails LOL Being a guy with boobs might increase harrassment and discrimination and am I able to bear that? It might make me ridiculous in the eyes of some, and even though I find that thought very kinky, I surely don’t want to spend my life feeling more like a laughing stock than neccessary.

And after all, it’s surgery, not just a haircut. Though I’m not afraid of the pain, things could go wrong, leaving me with no nipples at all or even leading to death, and even though it’s a bit strange to admit it, but I really don’t want to die at this point of my life.

So, all in all I’m afraid of what might go wrong, but I still and more than ever feel the urge to have surgery done. And that was a biiiiiig topic during our vacation. I admire John for all the patience he has with me sorting that stuff out and talking it over again and again. Well, and one thing he said really helped me to come to a decision, eventually. He said that if I had only problems with the boobs and if I really didn’t like them, I could still have them removed again, much easier indeed if they are made from silicone than if they were naturally grown by taking hormones. That’s true.

Well, and to tell you the truth, I like that he more than once said that he will pay for my tits, because then it’ll be so much easier to make a useful whore out of me. Oh damn, how much I’d like to prostitute myself just to be able to pay him back, with interest 🙂

So, when we were back home I tried to make an appointment with a surgeon for a consultation. You know what? You can pay for that stuff as much as you want, but as long as you’re a guy, it seems no fricking surgeon wants to do your damn boobs in Germany! First question, always and everywhere: do you already take oestrogen? Well. At least one surgeon who operates transgirls too agreed to meet me in person to talk the possibilities over. And because I’m no transgirl, my health insurance will not pay a single cent, but that’s O.K. of course. So in August John and I will meet him and talk things over. Recovery will take about 3 to 4 months and I don’t want to go to Thailand when being freshly operated, so I guess I might have surgery in December or later. But that would be alright for me.

I had expected to be nervous and doubtful about that all, but I’m not, and my friends W and S tell me that’s a good sign. I think so, too. To tell the truth, I can’t wait to no longer need my fake boobs. At the moment I’m trying to find out how big I’d like them to be. Because I don’t take hormones, there’s not enough tissue to have C-cups or so, but I would be pleased if he could make a B happen…