Little Treats

Yesterday when Master returned home, he had brought ice cream from our local parlour with him. Sometimes we take a walk there in the evening after dinner, but because was was early yesterday he had decided to stop there on his way home. He brought the package to our porch, unwrapped it…and smashed my ice on the dirty floor.

“What’cha waiting for?” he asked me. So I knelt down and licked my ice from the floor. It was a bit dusty and crunchy, but nice anyway.

Ah, those summer treats πŸ™‚


No Device

Nine days ago John made me take off the chastity device, telling me I’m not to play with my clit until he tells me to. So now I’m still in chastity, but without the Birdlock. It’s unbelievably hard. In the first two days I got aroused just by my clothes touching me, because their touch felt so intense after all this time. When John uses me, I get hard now, but as soon as I feel I might cum, I have to hurt and pinch my clit to prevent me from actually cumming.

To be honest, it’s much easiert being kept chaste with the device on.


Goddamn Freak Me

Last Friday I had my appointment with the only doctor who didn’t refuse my request for breast surgery right away. John and I had travelled there the day before and checked in to a nice hotel. I was nervous beyond words and I guess my sweet husband needed all his patience to cope with my jumpiness and anxiety. We tried a bit sightseeing, but I actually didn’t see much. In the evening, John invited me to a restaurant, but I wasn’t really hungry. The night was awful and the next morning was even worse. I was so nervous I started scratching myself and so he always took at least one of my hands in his, even during the ride to the doctor.

Well, to put a long story short: there is no way I’m going to have breast surgery in Germany. If I was a transgirl, there’d be no problem, especially when paying for it privately. But he said he would not perform such surgery on a male, due to what he called his professional ethics. Even when I started crying and John told him for how much time I have wanted boobs now, he said there is no way.

When we left, I just felt nothing. I mean, why didn’t he tell me beforehand? I could have saved time, money and nerves. But to be honest, what hurt most was that he denied to perform surgery. If I was a liar, I could have easily told him that sure I’m a transgirl blah blah blah, then he would have said yes. And it really pisses me off to think I should have told a lie.

In the car on the autobahn I just cried. John still held my hand and was very soft and cute with me all day and night, but I just felt like shit.

On Saturday I only felt numb. In the evening, John and I talked other options over. As I won’t take hormones for some reasons, it’s just the question where I can find some doctor to perform surgery on me. I think, after considering my options, there’s only one real chance, that is having surgery in Poland. Sure, they have exquisite surgeons in Thailand as well, but that’s quite a long way to see my doctor in case any problems occur.

So, my next step will be to look out for a Polish surgeon who is fricking willing to earn some money by performing surgery on me.

At the moment, I’m not feeling well at all. The conversation on Friday has not only destroyed my hopes, it also left me again with the feeling that I’m just a freak. Like, not even such a “freak transgurl”, but just a disgusting freak. He asked me why I as a sane (LOL) male being would want boobs while other men are eager to have them removed if they develop some. I honestly answered, because I don’t feel male all the time, yet I don’t feel female all the time, but being a part time female person has helped me so much to live out my feelings, get into contact with my true self and live a happier life. He acted like these reasons were just rubbish. For me, they are not.

Each time I look into the mirror and each time I stuff my bras with silicone tits, I feel incomplete. I honestly envy transgirls for the changes their bodies undergo on hormones. If I wanted to have my telephone number tattooed on my forehead or if I split my cock in two, nobody would care. At the moment I just feel crap. Maybe that’s part of this journey to try to become more like myself, but I hate every single minute of it. I hate asking myself again and again why on earth my father didn’t kill me after he was done with me to prevent me becoming such a damn freak.

Birthday Gurl

Monday was my birthday and John had taken the day off to spend it with me πŸ™‚ During breakfast he presented me with another bead for my Pandora bracelet. I totally love it and I change the beads quite often, but the one that always stays on is that tiny heart lock πŸ™‚

Right after breakfast he had promised me a little trip with a surprise, and he asked me to dress up moderately. I just put on foundation and powder, a bit of a bright eyeshade, mascara and a light lip gloss, and I wore bright stockings, a wide skirt and a matching shirt. He told me to wear flat shoes, so I put on girly sneakers. Over the months, my make up skills have improved, I think. I still struggle with my stubbles, because even if I have bright blonde hair, my stubbles are of a darker tone and shine through quite easily. I have considered having my beard removed with laser therapy, but to be honest I like it somehow and wouldn’t want to cut off the option to let it grow.

First, we headed into the city where John fetched a sort of picnic basket from a restaurant that offers such lunch service. So maybe for no one else in the whole wide world that might have been meaningful, but for me it was as he usually insists that preparing food is my job. Having not to do so on my birthday was a real gift for me and I thought it was unbelievably cute πŸ™‚

Then he drove us out of town to a sort of park. In fact, it’s a wildlife sanctuary where you can hike or just go for a walk and where they have a deer park and the possibility to go on guided boat trips as well. First of all I needed to see and feed the deer and OMG they were so cute πŸ˜€ John had taken his camera and I took about 1200000 pictures of them πŸ˜€ We strolled about the park, took a seat by the lakefront and watched birds, talking the time away. John suggested we might go on a boat and for about two hours we were ridden about the lake, learning about its flora and fauna and holding hands and stuff πŸ™‚

Afterwards, John fetched the basket from the car and we had our picnic on a bench by the lake. For me, that all was a sort of princess dream come true πŸ™‚

In the evening and after I had changed into normal male clothes, we met with some friends and my brother and his wife for dinner. I guess I’ve eaten too much that day 😦